Mother’s Day was off to a great start, brunch, mimosas, the works! Somehow you managed to make it through the whole day without painfully screwing up, so why does it feel like you left mom disappointed? Because try as hard as you might, you still broke her heart, here’s why…
Time to face the facts, Mom loves mimosas, but every time you take her out for drinks it’s a painful reminder of the dark path you’ve taken towards becoming a “functioning alcoholic.” Sure, that sounds like a notable label, but it really means you’re just an alcoholic and Mom would hate to see you end up like Aunt Susan having woke up in dumpster with the manuscript for the next great American novel, only to lose a night’s work when you vomit all over the climax.
2. The Salad Fork
Do you even know the difference between your salad fork and your meal fork? For Christ’s sake, we taught you proper etiquette. This is why Jessica left you, you have a talent for screwing things up in the smallest way.
3. Why Couldn’t You Have Been a Doctor?
You know the Smith’s daughter? She’s an award winning surgeon and she married an actual rocket scientist. Why couldn’t you be like her? Or at least have gotten married to her, you two were so close in high school.
4. Your Hair’s Too Long
Listen son, you’re starting to look very scruffy. Like a dog who’s never been groomed. Do you just roll around in the mud all day, and use your hair to clean the mud off? Get it together!
You did it, didn’t you? Masturbated on Mother’s Day. We could all see it in your eyes, plotting your sexual exploits throughout the day. This afternoon, when Pornhub releases a scientific study about how MILF videos spiked in views in on Mother’s Day, you’ll know you were a part of the problem. Even if you weren’t, the fact that you know what a MILF is is problem enough.
6. You’ll Never Bring Frank Back
After your brother went missing, you led a search party that lasted 5 months, but turned up nothing. He’s still out there, your poor brother, but what have you done to find him lately? Did you know he writes a letter to your mother maybe twice a year with no return address. He’s still out there! Maybe he doesn’t want to be found, but the truth is you aren’t looking hard enough to know.