(RALEIGH, NC) – Last night, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory announced plans to sue the Environmental Protection Agency after the Atlantic Ocean left the state over of the HB2 bathroom bill. Residents aren’t sure how it happened, but when they awoke on Wednesday morning there were no beaches to be found, just miles of desert stretching out into international waters.
“I have never believed in the devil-science being perpetuated by the EPA, but it’s clear that they’re behind this… somehow.” said an uncertain Gov. McCrory to reporters. “Our state exists as a safe-haven for paranoid bathroom users and a vast tourist trap for spring breakers and families on summer vacation. Without our precious water they’ll be forced to go the inferior South Carolina or worse… Florida.” He shuddered, disgusted at the thought.
The surprise move by the body of water may be enough to push the state into full financial collapse as many businesses and pop-stars have refused to work in North Carolina. Members of the Outer Banks tourist department have been scrambling to rebrand, though “See the great Atlantic Sands” admittedly doesn’t have the pull of an actual beach according to analyst Geoffry Tapkin.
“Visitation to OBX and surrounding beaches account for nearly 73% of our state’s income. Without the Atlantic we could stand to lose much more than a few Bruce Springsteen concerts.” Tapkin said as his team scrambled to find a positive spin on the issue.
Meanwhile, scientists with the EPA have been quick deny their involvement in the matter. “We all know the Russians have perfected weather machines, but to insist that we could get an ocean to break away from a state is absurd.” proclaimed climate change spokesperson Enesta Jones. “Our scientists have warned of waters coming in, but extending out to international waters is something we never predicted. There’s no science to back it up. If there’s a god, and as I scientist I pray there isn’t, it seems he may have abandoned the state as well.”
As of presstime, God could not be reached for comment.