New Extra-Poisoned Produce Requires Mandatory Washing Before Consumption

In a shocking turn of events, pesticide regulations have relaxed for produce grown around the world, according to a report from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). Farmers across the globe have had trouble dealing with stronger, pesticide-resistant insects eating their crops and destroying their fields. Allowing for stronger pesticides will ensure the complete annihilation of many invasive insect species and higher food supplies.

What does this mean for the average consumer? Well, your local store-bought apples will now be laced with extremely harmful chemicals that, when ingested, will cause a slew of diseases and medical issues. The only way to prevent horrible degenerative diseases from taking over your life? A few seconds under a faucet. By rinsing your fruit and vegetables for a few seconds with regular city-tap or well water, all pesticides will be dissolved immediately, leaving your food ready to eat.

“These new rules on pesticides will revolutionize the world, and may very well end world hunger as we know it today,” says Clark Bromfield, current head of the World Health Organization (WHO).

“Instead of having extra food only in America, we will have extra food everywhere. This food will last longer and be more resilient to virus and rot. We will be saving the world!”

Bromfield expects in this year alone, all hunger will be eradicated from the face of the Earth.

“I mean, we may have to deal with an explosive increase in cancer, heart disease, and Parkinson’s, but that’s only for people who don’t have access to fresh water along with the food. No matter which way you look at it, it is a win-win.”

Farmers are now encouraged to begin applying pesticides at every possible stage of growth for produce.

Jeremy Pliskin, a corn farmer from Morris, Illinois, explains this in a bit more detail:

“Well now, we start with the corn seed. The seed is soaked in pesticide and other nasty, nasty stuff until it is soaked to an almost molecular level. Then, we plant that seed in our new farm soil, just more pesticides hardened to appear like soil, and let the roots take hold. We’ve upgraded and outfitted all our former water dispensers to constantly feed our corn a mixture of more pesticide, water, and my own urine, just to really stick it to them damn bugs! Oh, and we’ve created a large glass-like dome, with the dome also being an advanced form of pesticide, so that the sunrays hitting the plants are also fully charged full of DNA-enhancing, bug-killing biocides. Then, once the corn is harvested, we pack it in pesticide laced boxes in a completely new go-green initiative truck, which is made out of old recycled pesticides. Then it goes from my farm to your grocery store, and then, to your table! After washing it for a few seconds to make sure all the pesticide is off of course!”

Just like your mother used to unnecessarily do, washing your fruits and vegetables before eating them will now be mandatory. Instead of ridding the delicious goodies of the underpaid grocery store clerk’s fart gas, you will actually be preventing you and your children generations of pain and suffering.

“We realize the inherent dangers of basically making pesticides into a plant you can eat, but just look at all the benefits! I mean, who seriously doesn’t have the time to wash a pear under the facet for a few seconds?” adds Mr. Bromfield after biting into a raw pineapple.

These new food products are expected to hit stores in late July, but you might want to go ahead and start washing off anything you buy from the grocery store now, just in case.

T.M. Scholtes

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