‘Love’ is a Codeword – for Sex!

(WORLDWIDE) – BREAKING NEWS: Information has been leaked to The Annual that the word “LOVE” has – for decades! – been used interchangeably in music, movies, and everyday conversation, with the word “SEX.”


Last Sunday, Gabriella Pitts turned on her radio after a long day at work, she was headed home to prepare for her date night with a man she had been chatting with on Tinder. The classic R&B song “I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men began to play, one of Ms. Pitts all-time favorite songs. But her Sunday workload had left her brain frazzled.

“I was a bit distracted from all the things coming up in the next week, plus I was driving” Gabriella explains. “So I’m listening to the song, but only half paying attention, I was thinking about my date that night. All of a sudden, I had a moment of clarity – they are talking about having sex! Right there, on the radio, in BROAD DAYLIGHT! Anyone listening to the station could hear it! I was shocked.”

These are the lyrics in question, keep in mind possibility that “making love to” could really mean “have sex with”:

“Close your eyes, make a wish
And blow out the candlelight
For tonight is just your night
We’re gonna celebrate, all through the night

Pour the wine, light the fire
Girl your wish is my command
I submit to your demands
I will do anything, girl you need only ask

I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
Till you tell me to”

Quite shocking, to say the least. Also appalled were the friends that Gabriella shared her startling revelation with. It turns out that Nathan, Wanya, Shawn, and Michael  – the BOYZ in question – were not, in fact, singing about making an “intense feeling of deep affection” with their beloved, but were detailing the time and place that they would be engaging in sexual intercourse. This song has been played millions of times across the world since 1994, and not one listener was the wiser until now. When asked for comment, the band’s agent said there were no inappropriate words or lyrics in the song, and that this “shocking discovery” was nothing but a mere coincidence.

The song and new-found way of interpreting it was sent to Skylar Longfellow, a professor of Etymology at Columbia University, who also happens to have a PhD in Music History. After playing the song with the new information in hand, Doctor Longfellow audibly gasped, then gave his take on what was happening:

“This is…impossible! How no one could have made this connection until now is shocking. We’ve been playing this song and others like it nonstop, since the invention of radio! Lewd lyrics, such as these, have been subliminally affecting us our entire lives…and the music industry must have known the entire time! This will be a bigger controversy than when radio stations were told what “skeet-skeet” meant. I see huge fines across the board from the Federal Radio Commission, among others.”

“It is far too late to un-do what generations before us have unleashed” explained Dr. Longfellow, clearly shaken by the news. “Going forward, we must be more vigilant to understand how the youth are communicating! To find out they were using such a powerful and seemingly innocent word such as ‘Love’ to mask the depraved and disgusting act of sex would make our ancestors and the forefathers of this great nation roll in their graves! These idols, these role models have been selling smut to our children, and I for one won’t stand for it.”

The phrase was discovered to have been used more than just for music, though. In popular teenage comedies and dramas such as Friends, The Simpsons, and even Full House, the terms “love-making” and “making love” were used as a way to hide the true intentions of their characters – to do the deed reserved for reproduction, but with little or no intention of actually making babies.

Etymologists and music reviewers across the nation are taking a second listen to what is really being said in popular music. They’ve compiled a non-exhaustive list of all phrases they’ve found that could possibly be sexual in nature:

  • Doing It
  • I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there
  • Knocking boots
  • Nookie
  • Hanky panky
  • All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-zoom in your boom-boom
  • A monster with two heads
  • Rock the casbah
  • The Hokey-Pokey
  • Tubthumping
  • Poker face
  • Hot beef injection
  • Roasting the broomstick
  • Eating out
  • Party in the USA
  • Never had a friend like me
  • Stairway to Heaven
  • Cake by the ocean

Exactly what to do with this information is being debated. Some have clamored to remove ALL music from radio play, commercials, and the like, as well as stopping all television and movies until they can be checked again for decency. Others side to grandfather-in any old media released with the foul language, but to be stricter in the future. And last would be a small group advocating that these words and phrases are covered by the Freedom of Speech, and do not need to be censored. Whichever group turns out right in the end, it is sure to be a long discussion that may never be fully resolved.

If you or a loved one has been affected by this news and want to share your story, please feel free to contact us. Also, to report any additional phrases you hear that may be of a sexual nature, please go to https://www.donaldjtrump.com/contact and input the necessary information. You may have to submit multiple times as they are experiencing a high volume of reports.

T.M. Scholtes

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