10 States Suing the White House over Bathroom Rights And The Problems They Should Be More Concerned With

In addition to North Carolina, ten new states have sued the White House for requiring public schools to allow transgender students to use the bathroom that pairs with their gender identity. While the majority of these states could better spend their resources building anti-tornado defense systems, here are the larger issues affecting each one.

Alabama

Child murder is rampant in Alabama, or to be more specific, murderous children are rampant in Alabama. It’s such a pressing issue that the state has instituted a new law pertaining to how much time juveniles with a life sentence must face before becoming eligible for parole. Perhaps this explains their stance on the bathroom usage, you never know who will be a murderer, so why not pre-emptively punish the children you’re weirdly afraid of as opposed to the sociopaths you should be afraid of.

Georgia

Savannah, Georgia is a city that frequently finds itself in the nation’s top ten most haunted lists. Georgians aught to protect children by ensuring the can even get to a bathroom before the sight of ghost causes them to pee their pants. The solution? Gender-fluid Ghostbusters.

Louisiana

Yes, the state that sanctions Mardi Gras is upset over bathroom usage. Every year, Louisiana hosts one last chance at absolute revelry before Ash Wednesday, one crazy night to get all your sinnin’ in. Think of it like The Purge Lite. If this degree of partying is legal, why cares where people are pissing?

Maine

Maine’s stance on the bathroom issue should come to no surprise as the state’s governor is the human equivalent of that XOJane article where a writer professed glee over a friend’s suicide. Here’s his defense on striking down a bill that would have made a successful anti-overdose drug readily available: Naloxone does not truly save lives; it merely extends them until the next overdose. Perhaps Maine’s big problem is heroin addiction, but more likely it’s the nihilist they’ve elected to govern the state. If death is inevitable, why not enjoy life while using the bathroom you feel most comfortable in? Seems as if Maine should focus on their rampant death problem, as all who visit the state will eventually die.

Oklahoma

It’s surprising that a state named after a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical would be so set against extending rights to the LGBTQ communities. Perhaps if this issue is a true burden to Oklahomans, they should devote their time to closing every theatrical venue in the state and then suing the Rodgers and Hammerstein organization for vastly misrepresenting their state as jovial land where cowboys dance throughout the day.

Tennessee

Let’s just say this state should be less worried about what bathrooms the students are using.

Texas

A logical move for the state that almost elected a woman who believes President Obama to be a gay prostitute to their Board of Education. For Texas, this would be another step towards controlling their citizens and keeping their kids in line. We wouldn’t deny Texas the right to be who they are (even though that seems to be their biggest problem) so stay the course Texas and fight to have that woman placed on the Board of Ed, you deserve it.

Utah

Believe it or not, Utah is the country’s least racist state, which makes their stance on bathroom issues somewhat surprising. If they plan to have any hope of justifying their stance, they should concern themselves with becoming more racist, work together to find some consistency.

West Virginia

In the late 1960s, the small town of Point Pleasant, WV was plagued with sightings of an entity that came to be known as the mothman. These sightings reached an apex shortly before the Silver Bridge collapse over the Ohio river. The event that killed 46 people and afterwards this the mothman vanished. No one knows what became of the mothman or its origins but the state of West Virginia would be wise to allocate serious resources to researching this creature before they research what’s in people’s pants.

Wisconsin

A recent study has shown that Wisconsin is the least courteous state in the country. Maybe if they spent less time policing bathrooms they would be seen in a more favorable light. Say “please” and “thank you” a little more often, really focus on manners for a year and then reexamine your stance on federal bathroom policies.

 

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