Donald Trump Will Be Our First Undead President

Donald Trump is a corpse, a walking amalgamation of rotting human flesh, and if this wasn’t made apparent by his braindead ramblings it all became clear this week. During a campaign rally in Anaheim a fly made it’s way towards Trump and comfortably nested in his hairpiece. Flies are known to flock to the dead, they mark the start of decomposition, an unfortunate transformation that Trump’s lifeless body is currently enduring. This is important to note as Trump has the ability to walk and while he may sleep in a coffin, his constant movement during the day makes it hard for the worms to do their work.

Pay close attention to Trump’s rhetoric and you’ll find that it is that of a Confederate General brought back to life. “Make America Great Again” it’s all an effort to harken back to the first and only time that brain was truly alive.

It is believed that Donald Trump was built by three Russian child-scientists, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Truplin. In 1989 the team, under contract by Gorbachev, dug up corpses from across Russia and assembled the man who they would grow to call father. With the help of Russian spies they stole the brain of Confederate General Braxton Bragg while visiting the Smithsonian. Born anew, Bragg was brainwashed into believing he had been reincarnated as a wealthy American named Donald Trump.

Soon the creature would believe every bit of its own backstory and take the American economy by storm. Most of this was done by talking big, after all Braxton Bragg wasn’t the general’s given name but rather a nickname used on the battlefield. Bragg was a well known boaster, a general who won many battles by accident, took all the credit for himself and brutally decapitated the families of his enemies. War was a sport to him, as it will be once more when this Soviet-Confederate Corpse becomes our president.

In the months to come, we can expect to see more flies ravaging his body, as he drones on failing to notice chunks of human flesh  slowly being devoured. By the October debates he will have lost an eye (likely mid-debate) but that will only bring a gain in the polls. He will tout it as a handicap, bringing on more sympathy votes as his limbs begin to fail. Once the corpse is confined to a wheelchair being pushed around by a Brazilian super model, he will compare himself to FDR and gain most of Bernie Sanders’ supporters. As president he will divert all funds to his scientist children who will work tirelessly to keep him alive for the next 8 years and in a midnight regulation he will blow the earth to bits, shouting “If I can’t have it, no one can!”

Kevin Cole

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