CHILDHOOD RUINED! Even The New Ecto Cooler Is Awful

Mark this as the summer that Hollywood killed everything I love! We all know the new Ghostbusters will be the latest in a series of disgraceful reboots that have ruined the state of modern cinema (and YES this is a systemic problem, entirely unrelated to the fact that all the new Ghostbusters are women). The only good side to the disastrous new Ghostbusters would have been the return of Hi-C’s Ecto Cooler.

Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 1.09.11 PMI remember spending my summers sitting by the pool, sipping that delicious Ecto Cooler. It was like I was a real Ghostbuster, Slimer was my best friend and I had just smashed him into a delicious juice-like substance. He tasted so good, like oranges for some reason. But those days of sipping the refreshing remains of my dead friend (who was technically a ghost to begin with, making him double dead) are gone.

Ecto Cooler

I was willing to look past the fact that the new Ecto Cooler was missing Slimer from the packaging. After all, it was that delicious drink that would bring back nostalgia and I’d rather see no Slimer than the big-breasted CGI monstrosity they’re surely going to use in new movie. The problem with the new Ecto Cooler is that Hi-C seems to have forgotten how to make it entirely! The new Ecto Cooler doesn’t have that tangy orange flavor I used to love, it tastes more like a blood orange. I checked the ingredients and sure enough the first item listed was menstrual blood!

How could they do this to us!? Nobody asked for menstrual Ecto Cooler! All we wanted was the same old cooler that was discontinued in 2001. Why couldn’t Hi-C just unpack the loads of cooler from 15 years ago? It would still be just as good! And before any women write in, I’m not saying the new Ecto Cooler is bad because it’s made from menstrual blood, it’s bad because I grew up with delicious orange based Ecto Cooler, and if Hi-C would just STICK TO THE ORIGINAL COOLER it would have aged like a fine wine.

Kevin Cole

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