What to Expect from this Year’s E3

This year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo kicks off on Sunday and runs through next week. Luckily for you, there’s no need to wait for E3 to start in order to get the scoop on all things electronic because our elite team of techno-agents working the beat (Elite Beat Agents as we call them) have all the info!

  • Nintendo will deliver big with a new Zelda game that looks and plays like every Zelda game ever released.
  • Sony and Microsoft will announce mid-cycle console upgrades (code named PS4 Neo and Xbox One Scorpio) that promise to be slightly better but just as expensive as the ones you bought two years ago.
  • TBS will roll out a robotic Conan O’Brien to clueless play games with anyone.
  • Pac-Man Pacs-Back: The Pac-Attac
  • Half the games announced for Q3 2016 at last year’s E3 will now be released Q2 2017.
  • Nintendo will announce their newest character revival, Jumpman, his games will be eerily similar to every Mario game that has been released over the last 30 years.
  • EA will have a new slew of the same old sports games.
  • Bungie will announce a new edition of Halo that takes place from the perspective of a Grunt living on his home world, it is a promising cross between The Sims and your typical first-person shooter.
  • A fleeting glimpse at the singularity.
  • Bethesda Game Studios will announce that they aren’t going to tell you anything about anything they are working on.
  • The next-gen Ball Pit will be unveiled, utilizing orbs of dark matter, it is designed to bring kids back to playgrounds.
  • Crash Bandicoot returns for a gritty reboot in which he must escape the clutches of ISIS
  • In a surprise announcement, Sega will re-enter the console game but due to third party commitments with Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft, they won’t be able to release any Sonic games for the Dreamcastle.
  • Sony will announce a new form of coding that does not conform to the binary.
  • Before the end of the expo, a large super magnet will activate, erasing all progress and turning all systems into ATARI 2600s.
  • Next year’s E3 will take place entirely on the virtual plane and attendees must be able to afford their own VR-headsets.

Kevin Cole & Thom Huenger

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