Dads love breathing, studies show that it’s the thing they do most, but has your father ever inhaled pure oxygen? Probably not. Head over to any medical store and pick up an oxygen tank and breathing mask (it’s probably an over-the-counter kinda thing). You’re dad is going to love breathing this stuff! If he doesn’t want it, hold onto it for when he gets older and has no choice.
Bootlegged Jimmy Buffett Recordings
What better way to kick off the summer than with a mix of your dad’s favorite Jimmy Buffett tracks? He’ll feel right at home, listening to Margaritaville and shouting “SALT! SALT! SALT!” As drunken parrot-heads begin to overpower the music, promise him you’ll find a recording closer to the stage for his birthday.
A Trump Sticker
Whether or not your father plans to support Trump, he’s sure to have friends/siblings clinging on to that lifestyle choice. This gift may be less about giving him the chance to express himself politically and more about giving him a chance to blend in under the Trump regime. If he is a Trump supporter, perhaps the gift of a sticker will be enough to say “you don’t have to talk to me about politics anymore.”
A Free Pass on Caitlyn Jenner
God bless him, your dad really is trying to understand “this transgender thing.” He tries his best, but ultimately still screws up pronouns and uses the term “transgendered.” Still, it’s clear his heart is in the right place, so maybe let it slide for Father’s Day.
Mow the Lawn or Something
At your dad’s age, any excuse to get out of manual labor is more than welcome. You’ve got a free hour, use his mower and his gas and get the job done for him. Not only will he thank you, but maybe you’ll get ten bucks out of it, for old times sake.
A Trip to the Sea
What old man doesn’t want to feel like Hemingway in his prime? Take him out a boat, let his coarse hands take to a bottle of whiskey like an old friend. Then, bring him to a bar to meet an old friend where the two can get belligerent and start a fist fight. What fun!
A Neck Tie Made From Macaroni
Remind your father of the old days when you would make birthday cards out of construction paper and macaroni in art class. Of course, you’re both older now and he could use something a little more practical so make a cumbersome neck tie that he can show off to co-workers who still think you’re 6.
Promise Not To Put Him In A Home
It’s inevitable that you’ll have to allocate some of his social security to a nice rest home, but for now let’s live in a world where that doesn’t have to happen. Let dad ignorantly enjoy his freedom, stairways, and the opportunity to fall and get up on his own, he’ll really thank you for it.