For centuries the sages warned of the pairing between The One From 1989 and the mischievous Loki. Joining forces in unholy matrimony the two have come together to form The Great Hiddleswift, a terrifying beast that, according to the prophesy, will change love as we know it. We mere mortals were fools to ignore the signs, for all events occurred just as the soothsayers of yore had promised.
It began innocently, the sunstar shone bright in the sky as The One From 1989 broke off ties with her last mortal man. For the past five years the watchers have noted every mortal to lock lips with The One From 1989. Unsure of which would be the last, every separation was reported with unequivocal detail. For many, her breaking from Calvin Harris would be uneventful, only Jon Blistein from Rolling Stone noted how “at the moment of separation frogs vomited blood and every coyote in the valley turned inside out, leaving only piles of organs and fur.” The One From 1989 had devoured her last mortal.
The watchers should have seen this coming months prior on the night of the Metropolitan Gathering. Many noted the moment when The One From 1989 met eyes with Loki and briefly boogied a portion of the night away, though few failed to record the sudden failure of electronic devices in the immediate vicinity. Those who made direct contact with both creatures have reported the substantial memory loss. As the prophets foretold, their initial meeting would create a force so powerful many would be unable to properly interpret the event.
Our fate was sealed this weekend as giant metallic bird flew over Rhode Island. There, The One From 1989 and the mischievous Loki would become one, the seas would become pure, calm and drinkable. The hearts of those previously touched by the creatures would turn to sludge as they collapsed in cardiac defeat. Henceforth, mankind would be forever cursed to endure failed relationships as The Great Hiddleswift looked down from on high, glaring behind dark sunglasses, judging all who dared approach the romantic precipice of their love.
May the gods have mercy on us all.