Frederick Man Discovers Awesome New Things about His Umbrella Handle While Trying to Avoid Eye Contact with Co-Worker

(FREDERICK, MD) – An area resident made a shocking discovery about the his umbrella handle, all thanks to social awkwardness.

“It was an accident, really,” explains Ted Barnes, a Frederick resident and known introvert. “I was walking down the hallway of my office building, heading for the door, when in walks a co-worker of mine. I don’t know him well, we had only spoken a couple of times, but I really did not want to get into a conversation since I would much rather go home than chew the fat with a random person at work.”

“This guy was looking straight at me, no wavering, not glancing down or to the side; he really meant business trying to get my attention, and I was having NONE of that,” says Ted.

Thinking quickly, Mr. Barnes glanced down at his umbrella, feigning interest in an object he has owned for many years, an object which he couldn’t care the slightest bit about in any normal situation – but this was no normal situation.

“I was staring intensely at the umbrella, planning to pretend that it was broken or had something stuck to it that would take all my effort to remove, just until my co-worker passed and I could look up again safely, and that’s when I noticed it; my umbrella actually had a small push button used to extend the umbrella itself! It was amazing!”

Not only had Mr. Barnes been manually extending the umbrella for years, but his discovery also led to his co-worker completely neglecting him, opting to pass right by without saying a word.

“It was a gift from God, a real miracle,” reflects Ted. “And now, I can pretend to discover this push button any time I have my umbrella and I see a co-worker in the office, or an ex-girlfriend at the bar, even an old classmate I’ve lost touch with and have no need to reconnect with ever again.”

Mr. Barnes ended the interview here, said goodbye, and then began to walk away in the same direction I was walking in. He got nervous, pretended to get a call on his cell phone, said “Excuse me I have to take this,” then quickly walked into the nearest stairwell.

T.M. Scholtes


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