5th of July Beer-Shits at An All Time High

Another year has come and gone in America, and with it came backyard barbeques, parties, and celebrations to recognize our independence. Unfortunately, after consuming copious amounts of meat, cheese, and alcohol, the greatest problem facing our nation is “the day after beer-shits.”

The 5th of July has become synonymous with aching bellies and hours spent on the porcelain throne, as the fermented yeasts and aged beef fight one another for dominance in the gut. Along with the actual disgusting dumps and diarrhea explosions, we humans subject ourselves to the foulest gases exiting our bodies from both ends, and the ever present danger of hoping you just have to fart, but then not being sure if it was just gas that came out. Now, with all kinds of vegetarian options being throw into the mix with tofu and hummus, the 4th of July has become a danger zone of activity for the human body, with our toilets (and dignity) paying the price the following day.

With such a crisis on our hands, we need to band together and get the President, Congress, and the House of Representatives to declare the 5th of July a National Holiday as well. We can’t possibly continue at our current rate of over-doing everything on the fourth, only to be expected to show up not hungover and ready to perform our regularly scheduled work, not feeling like a pile of garbage. There are a lot of pressing issues facing our nation, but claiming the 5th of July as a new National Holiday should be at the top of the list. Our country (and bodies) can’t survive another year of throwing caution to the wind on the 4th , and expecting to be fully recovered by 8am the next day; it just isn’t possible.

So, as you sit in the bathroom reading this article, be sure to open a new email in between waves of nausea and intestine-cramping, and send it to your local representative, demand that they support our initiative to make the 5th of July a national holiday. Have another beer while you’re at it; we both know you aren’t going anywhere for awhile.

‘Murica.

T.M. Scholtes

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