El Chapo, We Have Your Son

Mr. Chapo,

we are sure that by now that you are quite concerned as to the whereabouts of your son. Rest assured he is safe with us, deep in the confines of our underground tunnel system.

Do not attempt to find him, you may have a passion for tunnels but our system is far more complex than you or your shovel-wielding goons could ever imagine! Far too often you have crossed into Molemen territory and we are tired of it. The amateur digging jobs of the Sinaloa Cartel has done irreparable damage to some of our most important pathways.

We understand the temptation to enter the Molemen city guns-a-blazing, but no matter how well armed your men are, we will find you by scent alone. Let us ask you, Mr. Chapo, have you ever known the pain of having your face slowly gnawed off by two, possibly three Molemen? Our teeth are nearly indestructible, they allowed us to dig our tunnels and build the complex prison system that houses your son. Come after us and you will meet a very unfortunate demise, meet our demands and you will have your son back.

On the Nineteenth of August, in the year of our Molelord 4082, deliver the following to the outset of a groundhog’s burrow just past the John Lennon memorial in Central Park:

  1. 78 American Dollars for the reimbursement of travel expenses in the capture and eventual return of your son.
  2. 18 Kilos of cocaine
  3. Sean Penn’s personal phone number
  4. A signed letter from the editor of Rolling Stone that we will be the subject of an extensive profile written by investigative journalist Sean Penn in their next issue.
  5. A blood-oath that you will remain above ground, where you belong, until your unavoidable demise. The groundhog will collect the blood.

We Molemen are simple people with simple demands and we look forward to returning your son.

Harold Sclerm
Mayor of the Molemen

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