Mourning The Mighty Hiddleswift

For three months the mighty Hiddleswift reigned supreme, and with it, it brought a white hot passion that would leave lasting effects on the environment. While many of us mortals believed the sun was violently inflicting 100 degree days upon us, the cause of the 2016 heatwave stemmed from the love given off by the Hiddleswift. Many remember the fateful day when the creature was first spotted on a secluded beach in Maine, only to disappear for the months to follow.

According to the ancient scrolls passed from Justin to Kelly, it is likely that the Hiddleswift built a lovenest for itself deep in the Pocono Mountains. There, it basked in its own existence, radiating an incredible warmth that is said to have accelerated the melting of the Poles. All summer, meteorologists unfamiliar with the legend of the Hiddleswift complained of a great heat, but it was merely the cold in their own hearts in comparison to the unstoppable love felt by the Hiddleswift.

All of this changed yesterday, when, without explanation or warning, the mighty Hiddleswift fell. Some believe it was done in by its own hubris, a love that burned so bright that after a short period it simply went cold. Cynics will be quick to tell you the Hiddleswift went into hiding because it was never really the pure creature we made it out to be–perhaps nothing more than a ploy for a secret music video. One thing is for certain: Right now, soothsayers are predicting a vortex of cold that will cover the land, more so than ever before. For as the Hiddleswift ended its love, it took the world’s warmth with it. It is believed that in the coming months the temperature surrounding that infamous Maine beach will steadily drop. Soon the hillsides will be covered in snow and ice, and we will have no choice but look up to the sky and curse the fallen Hiddleswift for abandoning us.

Kevin Cole

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