Postmaster General Hospitalized from Overdose of Stamp Glue

(WASHINGTON, DC) –Megan Brennan, the 74th Postmaster General of the United States, has been hospitalized after overdosing on the tasty glue used on lick-able stamps and envelopes. Further reports reveal that Ms. Brennan has been addicted to the residue for almost 4 years.

“It’s actually quite common in the postal field to become addicted to this adhesive,” explains Dr. Kevin Remwald, a medical doctor at MedStar Georgetown University Hospital, where Megan was first admitted. “Stamp and envelope glue is made from gum arabic, which in laymen’s terms is the sap of the acacia tree, or multiple types of acacia tree. At its core, it’s just sugar, and when sugar gets wet, it gets sticky. This sugar is safe for human consumption, but not so sticky or soluble that it works great for things like envelopes. It is also used for candies like marshmallows and fruity gum drops. Just like any addiction, too much of a good thing is bad for you.”

Megan assumed her current role of Postmaster General in February 2015, when the former general Patrick R. Donahoe retired. Donahoe declined comment in the story. Many speculate that he knew about Ms. Brennan’s addiction and helped cover it up.

“Oh it’s a huge problem,” says Tina Usiv, a post office branch manager and former co-worker of Megan’s. “I see some employees licking 200, 300 stamps a day, then just adding them to mail that already has the appropriate postage. I look the other way because they are fantastic workers and we can’t afford to cut our top employees if their performance isn’t suffering. The only people they are hurting is themselves. As long as they show up, do their job and give 110%, who am I to judge them?”

According to Tina, Megan was using for the three years they worked together, during this time Megan was Chief Operating Officer and Executive Vice President of the USPS (United States Postal Service). However, it never once affected her work.

“She was great to work for!” says Tina. “I always felt comfortable talking to her. I never noticed anything was wrong, until she asked who was in charge of sending out late payment notices. When Larry [Patterson, head of Invoicing and Payment department] told me that [Megan] wanted to be the sole person responsible for sending the notices out, I knew there was a problem.”

Slowly, Megan began to take over any outgoing mail that still required sealing or postage. She also demanded the home address of every worker and worker’s family members, in order to send them Christmas cards during the holidays.

“It was very cute and thoughtful at first, but it’s gotten completely out of hand.” Joe Bonneville, another former postal employee, comments on the “cards” he has received: “The first year, we got a Christmas card, saying to have a blessed year and all that. Then came a New Year’s card, saying good luck in the New Year and to “make it great!” Ok, again, still holiday time, not a big deal. But when we got an envelope for ‘Groundhog’s Day’ we were fed up. By the next Christmas, we got four different Christmas cards. It had to stop.”

The analysis at MedStar was not good; the levels of gum arabic in Megan’s system determined that she had licked 2,500 to 2,800 envelopes the morning she was admitted, all before 10:30am. Based on the level of gum in each envelope, it would be the equivalent of 400 packs of crispy M&Ms.

“This is a very serious matter,” Dr. Remwald continues. “Postal workers are under a lot of stress, as we’ve seen in the past. The addiction to stamps and envelopes is actually well documented; it was the basis for the term ‘going postal.’ The phrase was originally meant to describe a postal worker under so much stress they resulted to licking. But now has been applied elsewhere. Licking is an underlying epidemic in our country, but is swept under the rug, since postal workers claim it ‘isn’t hurting anyone.’ Well, hopefully this issue will finally be brought to light following this unfortunate hospitalization.”

Dr. Remwald went on to say that he expects Ms. Brennan to make a full recovery, and hopes she enrolls at the nearby sugar addiction center to get the helps she needs.

We here at The Annual have sent dozens of letters to her and other postal workers for additional comments, and we will continue to send hundreds of letters to get you the information you deserve. In fact, I will go send some blank envelopes now just because.

TM Scholtes

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