(FREDERICK, MD) – A local man was forced to awkwardly stand at a urinal today for 27 minutes due to his shyness of peeing in front of others. On Friday, Kurt Morrison, 26, walked into the restroom of the Maryland Ensemble Theatre in downtown Frederick expecting a quiet, relaxing bathroom experience.
“I had just seen the show on the mainstage, Bad Jews, it was great, but I really had to relieve myself,” recalls Morrison, still visibly shaken from the incident. “It was bad.”
Bad Jews, the first main-stage show for the MET in their 2016-2017 season, is about 90 minutes long with no intermission. Morrison, sitting on the end of the row, was the first to exit the theatre doors once the play was over, and headed straight for the bathroom.
“I have a ‘shy bladder.’ Meaning, it’s difficult for me to urinate around others. Once I get the stream going, it’s no problem. But I just didn’t have enough time,” says Morrison.
Unbeknownst to Kurt, Glenn Fusco also was in a hurry to the lavatory.
“I was out with friends prior to the show, [great show by the way!] and I didn’t go to the bathroom beforehand, so I was in need,” Glenn says. “I see this one guy sprint out, so I figure we’re in the same boat. But unlike him, I don’t have no problem using the bathroom with other people there. I even enjoy it when I have company!”
Kurt, as the first to arrive, opened the bathroom door and saw it was empty.
“I was relieved, and knew I could get to the urinal and not look like the weird guy standing up peeing in the stall,” says Kurt, looking ashen and ashamed. “I thought I would have more time!”
Kurt had just undone his zipper and withdrawn his trouser snake when Glenn walked in, and placed himself in front of the urinal directly to Kurt’s right.
“I froze,” Kurt recalls, looking like a deer in the headlights. “My bladder immediately seized up, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to go until [Glenn] left my line of sight. But [Glenn] is a bathroom parrot; someone who is fine being in a bathroom naked and talking. He pulled right up to me, pulled out his man-spam, and asked me about the show…it was my worst nightmare.”
The most shocking part about the story so far? The urinals had no divider between them.
“I’ll admit, it was a little weird,” says Glenn, sipping on his third mojito. “I’ve experienced it before, but not too often. I guess theatre patrons are more open to that stuff anyway, ya know? But it’s not like I was looking at his dick or nothing.”
As Glenn began to speak, Kurt couldn’t help but to begin angling his body away to the left.
“I HATE IT! … I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!” Kurt yells as he begins to tear up. “It’s just so awkward! Why does anyone want to hold a conversation when they have their penis in their hand and are pissing into a wall? Just talk to me after if you really want to! … I couldn’t go, and yet I had to go so bad. I concentrated really hard, and used pressure to try and force the pee out, but nothing worked.”
As Glenn went on about his favorite scenes, Kurt was forced to stand there, making guttural agreement noises and trying to pretend he was still going strong.
“I’m looking down, minding my own business, trying to concentrate, and there he is, talking and waving his arms around.”
Eventually though, Glenn finished up, said “have a good night,” and left.
“He didn’t wash his hands,” Kurt recalls, noting how relieved he was to have the men’s room to himself.
But that relief was fleeting. As the rest of the theatre patrons emptied out to the corridor, more of them decided that they too would use the restrooms before leaving the theatre. As Glenn walked out, two more men walked it.
“I couldn’t go. My body wouldn’t let me as my bladder is screaming at me from the inside, saying how badly it needs to be emptied. I’m not sure if this evolution or something wrong with me.”
As one man took Glenn’s prior space, the other went into the first stall.
“I had already missed my own opportunity to use the stall, so now I was stuck here at this urinal. I thought I might be able to play the ‘ah just finished so time to wash my hands’ and see if I could keep rinsing them until these new-comers took off, but then thought maybe they would be quick.”
As Kurt waited, more men walked in.
“Now we have a crowd and a goddamn line! There’s no way I can just fake it and leave, I need to get this piss out of my body before I explode! I stood my ground.”
As the other urinals and toilets rotated occupants, Mr. Morrison became a steadfast centerpiece. Other patrons were vocally upset. “He was there for like, 5 minutes, just standing!” recollects John Kent, who has seen Bad Jews twice already. “It was ridiculous. It was literally the expression ‘piss or get off the pot’ like, we had a line of guys needing to go. There is no one who pees for that long.”
“I wasn’t giving up my spot to be forced back in line!” Kurt defends himself, his voices reaching its criscendo
For the next twenty minutes, other men came and went while Kurt stood fast. He thought he was out of the woods, when he realized more people had come into the bathroom than had left. He listened hard, and heard the unmistakable sound of someone sending text messages on their phone. Kurt still wasn’t alone.
“Normally, as long as there is no possible eye contact, I can go! But since I was already in such a state from being humiliated by standing there so long, my bladder still couldn’t release! It became hyper-shy. Meanwhile, I hear these gruntings and plops, and then by some act of god, I heard the flush. And the last man left. I was all alone, and it felt like a New York sewer system during halftime at the Super Bowl. It was a gusher.”
All alone, Kurt was finally able to shed his water weight. It went on for about two minutes, and with four shakes, Kurt was free.“It will definitely be one of most trying times in my life. Now I won’t think twice about using the stall.”
As Kurt returned to the lobby, he realized his date had left him. As of press time, she had not responded to his inquiries about a second date.