The heathens at Starbucks have done it again, instigating yet another war on Christmas with their “festive” green unity cup. Like many, I was not quick to shun the new cup as approached the barista with a healthy skepticism. “It certainly looks festive” I thought to myself “and from a distance the outlines of people appear to be nothing more than pines on a Christmas tree.” We were off to a good start until I finished my coffee and peered into the cup only to discover a Pentagram ingrained in the base!
These green cups represent a false god, a endless search for hope and “unity” that will ultimately lead us to hell itself. Sickened, I staggered back from the counter in a daze, betrayed by a coffee shop Judas. It will be three weeks before this cup distributed with the traditional pagan greeting of “Happy Holidays!” My head spun at the thought and that’s when I noticed a frighteningly familiar face on the cup… It was Anton Lavey, founder of the church of satan and the center point of my living room’s dart board. How deep does this conspiracy go?
Without hesitation I removed a match from my bag and lit the cup ablaze! Throwing it behind the counter I shouted at the barista’s “WHAT HELL HATH THOU WROUGHT!?” as they apathetically swept the incinerated cup into the a dust bin, clearly they had heard it all before.
Once again, Starbucks has shown their true colors as a front for the Church of Satan and I will no longer be purchasing my coffee from them. Instead, I’ll be going to Dunkin Donuts, where they offer coffee in wholesome boxes, free of satanic imagery.