Why You Really Shouldn’t Give A Shit About Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Performance

On New Years Eve, pop sensation Mariah Carey was the last to fall victim to the curse of 2016. Live on Ryan Seacrest’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Mariah suffered the career embarrassment to end all career embarrassments. You can watch the clip below:

As truly embarrassing as this is for Mariah–who claims she was set up as part of a publicity stunt by Dick Clark Productions to boost ratings for what is probably the most-watched New Years Special– you should not give a shit about it. Here’s why…

mariah-2You’re not Mariah Carey, and what on God’s green earth makes you think you are? Who are you, anyway? You have some gall to question the Goddess that is Mariah Carey. “Shit happens” as she said, but even the good shit you experience will be but a fraction of the best shit that Mariah enjoys on a daily basis. After all, she is Mariah and you are… who did you say you were? Steve?

But let’s not forget the most important reason that you shouldn’t give a shit about Mariah’s New Year’s performance…

mariahDONALD TRUMP IS ABOUT TO BECOME THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

mariah-3In almost two weeks, Donald Trump, the fucking “you’re fired” guy, is going to be the leader of the free world. And maybe you’ve been too upset about Mariah to notice that Mayor McCheese has stuffed his cabinet full of white supremacists and straight-up Nazis!

mariah-4To make matters worse, Congressional Republicans just held a secret vote to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics, but then pulled the measure because the Supreme Leader essentially said “Woah, woah, not so fast guys! Let’s bury the lead a bit on ethics, take care of that in week two. We have to focus on OBAMACARE!”

WASHINGTON, DC - FEBRUARY 08: Singer-songwriter Mariah Carey performs onstage at BET Honors 2014 at Warner Theatre on February 8, 2014 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Kris Connor/BET/Getty Images for BET)
WASHINGTON, DC – FEBRUARY 08: Singer-songwriter Mariah Carey performs onstage at BET Honors 2014 at Warner Theatre on February 8, 2014 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Kris Connor/BET/Getty Images for BET)

Speaking of which, if PRESIDENT TRUMP guts Obamacare, you’ll be begging for Mariah to fuck up as badly as she did on New Years because LAUGHTER IS THE ONLY MEDICINE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD.

mariah-6

So maybe cut the queen some slack, kiddos! Because in six months your president will be lip syncing poorly to Putin’s greatest hits in order to avoid another Cold War.

Kevin Cole

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