All posts by brianahaynie

Polite Lyrics

“It’s getting hot in here/so take off all your clothes/but only if you want to/I sometimes feel self conscious when I’m naked too.”

“I like big butts and I cannot lie/ I value honesty above all else.”

“I wake up every evening/with a big smile on my face/ and it never feels out of place/and you’re still probably working/ at a nine to five pace/I’m sorry you’re stuck at that job and I’ll totally let you know if I hear of any openings somewhere else. “

“They tried to make me go to rehab/I said no thank you, no thank you, no thank you.”

“When I saw her/walking down the street/she looked so fine/ I just had to speak/ I asked her name/ but she turned away/ as she walked/ all I could say was/ nothing because I respect women’s boundaries.”

“Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof/ because I’m happy/ I understand the importance of validating the feelings of others, even if they’re different from my own.”

“Please don’t ever say that I walked away/ I didn’t mean to interrupt you/I acted like a wrecking ball/I’ve never felt like such a jerk/ all I wanted was to go to the mall before it closed/ I’m sorry!/Please know I’m sorry!”

“I said I’m sorry Mamma/I never meant to hurt you/I never meant to make you cry but tonight I’m cleaning out my closet/because you’ve asked me to five times this week.”

“Everybody in the club eatin’ Triscuits.”

“She thinks my tractor’s functional/It really turns on regularly.”

“She made a cherry pie/very good with milk, such a sweet surprise/tastes so good I had a second piece/Great cherry pie.”

 

By Lily Fryburg, Briana Haynie, Andrew Michaels, Emily Perper, Cassie Schaeffer, and Kate Sidley

Michael Jackson’s ‘Xscape’: Track List

“WOW!”

“NO WAY!”

“I’M PRE-ORDERING MINE NOW!”

Hear that? That is the sound of three people reacting to the news that Michael Jackson will be releasing a new album in May. “But isn’t he dead?” is something you’re probably thinking and yes, according to the liberal media elite, he is dead. However, many highly intelligent people in a basement under Texas unfortunately called Conspiracy Theorist believe he is alive and only faked his death back in 2009. Whether you are a drone who believes anything CNN tells you or an ultra cool free thinker on the Internet, The Annual has something for you! We have acquired the track names to Michael Jackson’s new Album Xscape. Read them and weep all over again just like the day he “died.”

140331-michael-jackson-xscape

  1. I’m Still Dead but Alive in You
  2. My Coffin Smells of You Feat. Elvis
  3. I Wanna Be On Your Mantel
  4. You Proud Now, Dad?
  5. That Was It
  6. Being White in Heaven
  7. Haunting Bubbles
  8. Neverland Heaven
  9. Xscaping the Afterlife
  10. Maggots Ate (What Was Left Of) My Nose
  11. Thriller (From The P.O.V Of The Dead)
  12. Good
  13. Please Stop ‘Cause I’m Dead Enough Feat. Ke$ha
  14. Bonus Track: Lisa It’s Your Birthday (Happy Birthday Lisa) – The Unreleased Demo From The Simpsons

 

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Track List by: Kevin Cole, Lily Fryburg, Briana Haynie, and Andrew Michaels

2014 Golden Globe (Backstage) Predictions

Briana Haynie and Kevin Cole

This Sunday are The Golden Globe Awards and rather than give you a list of who we predict will be the winners; The Annual is giving you a list of what we predict will happen backstage.

1. Jennifer Lawrence will knock over all the awards and the E! News headline will read JLAW DOES SOMETHING ADORABLE.

2. Mickey Rooney will be on display.

3. For good luck, all nominees will get the chance to touch the frozen brain of Walt Disney.

4. After a sudden shift in the Polar Vortex, the red carpet will feature an array of fashionable sweaters.

5. The definition of a “Gift bag” will be stretched to include a garbage bag filled with Mentos.

6. Tina and Amy will hip bump three times every time they enter and exit the stage which will be the reason the broadcast goes 2o minutes over.

7. Billy Bush and Ryan Seacrest will duke it out (play Rock Paper Scissors) to determine who’s the coolest dude in television.

8. In a surprise sweep, Modern Family will win awards in dramatic film categories and no one will care except Ty Burrell.

9.  The real life Captain Phillips and the ghost of Nelson Mandela will get in to a heated debate over this year’s Best Animated Feature Nominees.

10.  Downton Abbey will win for Best Television Drama but everyone backstage will tell them they should have won for best accents.

11. Christian Bale will gain 40 pounds, lose 40 pounds, gain 40 pounds, and lose 34 pounds all before the opening monologue is done.