Category Archives: Annual Mailbag

The Annual Mailbag – May 2016

At the start of every month, we open our mailbag to answer your questions! Send them to Mailbag@TheAnnualOnline.com 

Dear Weirdos, after four years of hard work, it looks like I’ll be forced to repeat the 12th Grade, or at the very least attend summer school. I was formerly a straight-A student, but admittedly, senioritis hit hard this year. How can I be expected to do it all again now that I’ve experienced the wonderful world of slacking? Please send help! -Justin P.

Hey Justin, good news: we’re here for you. Senioritis is an epidemic that has plagued our high schools and colleges since students in their final year were called “seniors.” Luckily, you’re (presumably) over 16, which means at this point it’s totally legal for you to drop out of school. You did the time, no one will fault you for it.

The good news is, all employers and colleges really want to see is a diploma, which is perhaps the easiest thing to come by. Download a trial of Photoshop, grab a scan of someone else’s diploma off Google Images and swap out the names to fit you and your school. If a respected university asks why your GPA has tanked, simply fax them a copy of your diploma and tack on a classic witticism like “How do you explain this!?”

Enjoy your life Justin, and be careful, senioritis tends to hit hard at 65 and most cases can be fatal.

Dear Weirdos, I am still heartbroken over the loss of Prince this past month. How can I move on? -Carolynn S.

Carolynn, Carolynn, Carolynn. In these hard times just remember Harper Lee, who, against her will, published the follow up to To Kill A Mockingbird last year. Prince died with the integrity to leave the songs he felt weren’t good enough locked away in a vault. Fortunately for you, the music industry lacks any such integrity and Prince lacked a will, shortly after the bidding war, you’ll have your chance to hear new Prince songs sung by a hologram live at carnegie hall.

Dear Weirdos, I can’t say too much, but I’m a Super Delegate in the democratic party and I promised a certain someone that I would give them my vote. The problem is, my heart is being pulled in another direction… what should I do? – Bill C.

Well Bill,  when in doubt, check your constituent count. This is a good rule to follow, but as a Super Delegate we understand that you can vote against the voters who put you in power to begin with, and that’s okay. It depends on whether you want to be a part of a broken system or not.

Dear Weirdos, I have so many questions about the world, but I have a hard time opening up to strangers, what should I do? – Kelsi Q

Get some practice sending your questions to Mailbag@TheAnnualOnline.com send a new question every week! Really fill that mailbag and trust us when we say it’ll pay off at the start of June.

The Annual Mailbag April 2016

At the start of every month, we open our mailbag to answer reader questions! Send yours to Mailbag@TheAnnualOnline.com 

Are you weirdos okay? I’ve noticed half of your posts have been going up irregularly in the past month. Usually you keep to a crisp 9am schedule for fresh material. Somedays I’m waiting until 1pm or even 4 in the afternoon. Yesterday you failed to post anything! What gives? -Jason D.

Ah, the inevitable “are you okay?” question. Posts have been slightly erratic the last month. I’m balancing a full time job and rehearsals for Oedipus Rox! at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre (casual plug) in addition to running the site. Sometimes that means I come home from work and sleep for 24 hours instead of writing a post for the next day. We’ll be back to normal and feeling relatively healthier in a week.

My favorite Stone Cold Pack of Weirdos, I love your site but I’ve got some personal issues I’m dealing with. Namely, it’s prom season and I’m staring down the barrel of loneliness. Is there a way I can psych myself up to ask anyone out? Am I just typing into the void? – Stephen J.

Hey Stephen, can we call you Steve? How about Steph? Let’s go with Steph, change that ph to a if you have a real issue with it.

Of course you’re not typing into the void! We’re here for you now, we always have been and we likely will be for months maybe even years to come. Now Steph, if you want a hot date for Prom, you’re going to need to learn how to ask questions properly. You can’t half-ass this and you absolutely can’t pick a random girl (or boy) at school and shout “WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME OR AM I SHOUTING INTO THE VOID?” at them. At best they will say no, more likely than not, they will refuse to acknowledge you at all, leaving your classmates to assume you’re some freak shouting into the void. I recommend enrolling in an Intro to Communications class at your local community college, there you are sure to learn the basics of inquiry. It won’t guarantee you a yes, but it’ll likely get you a “maybe” or an “I’m already going with Steve.”

Y’know what, scratch all that. Change your name to Steven. Go by Steve. Problems solved.

Any interviews coming up this month? -Karen P.

We just spoke to Michael Gerber of The American Bystander, technically that was last month but don’t miss it (also support them, because I’d really like to buckle down and subscribe). In the weeks to come, we’ll speak to Gabriel Gundacker and Bill Schelly the author of Harvey Kurtzman: The Man Who Created MAD Revolutionized Humor in America.

Weirdos, I am currently stranded on the side of I-295. Supplies are running low. Can anyone pick me up? -Nick V.

Hi Nick, please go through the official Uber app when scheduling rides. We don’t exactly trust you to “venmo us back” after what happened last time.

Dear Weirdos, my parents have been fighting a lot lately. How can I teach them to love again? -Anonymous

Have you considered funneling their discontent into a one man show? Many find the experience to be cleansing and your parents will be able to look on proudly as their only child shares their insecurities with the world via “character study.”

Are you sure you’re okay? You look awfully tired. -Wesley C.

YES!

Weirdos, my little brother has gone through my vast collection of Where’s Waldo novellas and circled Waldo on every page. The damage is irreparable. I simply cannot enjoy the travels of Mr. Waldo when I am able to find him within seconds. How can I make this right? -Shirley B.

Shirley, as an older sister it is exceedingly simple to gain the upper hand. With enough preparation you could potentially see every PG-13 movie before your younger brother. Consume this content. Every DVD in the house. Write the ending on a slip of paper and leave it in the DVD box for your brother to find as he grows older. Check Mate.

Hello, I am Mr. Mohamad Yasin the Chief Financial Officer of my bank,I am sending this brief letter to solicit your partnership to transfer USD7.5M.I shall send you more information and procedures when I receive positive response from you.  Yours Faithfully, Mr. Mohamad Yasin

Mr. Yasin, this is truly exciting news! Please forgive me for not referring to you by your first name, other humor publications have gotten in serious trouble for that in the past.  I hope you will accept this open response as positive, I could really use 7.5M to settle some of my gambling debts.

Listen, a lot of your coworkers and family have been talking and we’re really worried about you. You need help. Please just be honest with us… are you okay? -Jordan M.

Yes! Yes! Everything is under control, just give me til the weekend. I’ve got a lead on 7.5Mil and once that comes through it’ll all be okay.

How did you have so many letters in your first mailbag when this is a brand new segment? -Peter P.

We wrote them ourselves*, but you can get into the May mailbag by emailing mailbag@theannualonline.com

*Credit to Mr. Mohamad Yasin who did contribute his own letter.