Tag Archives: 2016 Presidential Election

#GiveHillaryAGirlfriend

Across the internet, the rallying cry of a generation has emerged: MAKE IT GAYER! they shout, from #GiveElsaAGirlfriend to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend it’s time that these characters hook-up with someone of the same gender identity. Representation is important, but why must that it be limited to the purely fictional. What we need is homosexual representation in the real world, which is why it’s the perfect time to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend.

What more inspiring visage for LGBTQ youth could their be than to pair our first female president with a first lady? Up until now, Hillary Clinton hasn’t seen much viral success, but with #GiveHillaryAGirlfried she could become an internet sensation, giving her the strength to break away from Donald Trump as they grow closer in the polls.

Of course, there will be plenty of naysayers, those who believe Hillary should stick to political canon which dictates that she has been a lifelong heterosexual, married to former President Bill Clinton since 1975. However, even Hillary was canonically opposed to same-sex marriage until 2013. Perhaps as characters grow, they can have a change of heart and given the fluid nature of sexuality it is entirely possible that she could find herself attracted to someone of the same gender. Bill was a great addition to the Hillary Clinton saga, he added an incredible dramatic plot line in the late 90s, but it’s time to retire the character for something hotter. If the polls reflect that the people really want to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend then perhaps that will nudge her in the right direction, as it has on so many other important issues. It’s time that we unite as a party and proclaim “I’m with her and also her!”

Kevin Cole

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RIP John Kasich 2016

A truly sad time has befallen the Republican Party as the candidate a nation was sure would stick through to the bitter end has finally passed. John Kasich 2016 was a strong and unshakable candidate, unwilling to let a dead-last position shake him of the confidence needed to become president. From the get-go the odds were against John, and as it became mathematically impossible to claim victory he trudged on, believing in his purest of hearts that he would become the nominee.

Unfortunately, John Kasich 2016 was little more than a distant blip on our radar. One that would go off whenever my grandmother sent out a facebook message asking family members to follow his campaign at the debates and across the country. This blip was thankfully removed when said grandmother was informed which family members were registered Democrats.

If Trump 2016 was the loud one, Cruz 2016 was the cute one and Carson 2016 was the quiet one, Kasich was most certainly the forgotten one. As Illustrations of each candidate would top relevant stories on this site, one candidate was illustrated but the final image was entirely forgotten in the upload process (until today). A sad metaphor for a sad campaign.

Today we remember John Kasich 2016, he may not have meant much to us, but to some he meant not being a Trump supporter.

Kevin Cole

RIP Ted Cruz 2016

This morning we lay to rest a truly vile presidential campaign by the name of Ted Cruz 2016. Oh Ted, we knew you all too well and the things that could be inferred were even worse. While you were never cool enough to be the Zodiac killer, you did everything in your power to be equally despicable.

It was a long road for Ted Cruz 2016, the first to announce his candidacy, (though we all knew in 2013 that the late Jeb Bush 2016 would throw his hat into the ring as soon as the election season began). We never expected Ted to last this long, a phrase no woman has ever uttered, while Cruz’s congressional contemporaries found his staying power to be among his worst assets. Even when he came to speak in The Annual’s hometown we wondered how he would fill 2 hours, then we realized he came to power by embarking on a marathon filibuster in a failed attempt to deny healthcare to millions. Before chasing the presidency, Cruz spent his time preventing others from stimulating their own genitals as would continue to stimulate his own.

He rose to power by consistently placing second, gaining key edorsments from those solely wishing to distance themselves from Donald Trump 2016, among them was the late Jeb Bush. Meanwhile, Cruz 2016 would butt heads with many republican campaigns who have since passed, including Ben Carson 2016 who would find himself locked in a closet with Ted for longer than most thought was humanly possible.

Politicians weren’t the only ones to avoid time in a closet with Ted Cruz 2016, as his own children would rush to keep a physical distance from the candidate whenever he approached them. At a recent campaign event, Cruz was unable to overcome the deafening cries that he “sucks” from a 12 year old heckler. After having the child removed, Cruz remarked that the kid could use a spanking, while this remark may have garnered a 15 second applause from the crowd, it should have garnered raised eyebrows from anyone watching Ted Cruz’s interactions with his own children.

Towards the end of his life, Ted Cruz 2016 sought to gain some of Donald Trump’s life force by turning his attention to minorities, specifically the transgender community. Ted believed in the ball of sludge he called his heart that transgender people used public restrooms with the same intentions as Republican Senator Larry Craig. He went so far as to suggest that they should not be allowed to use any public restrooms, prompting us to strike back and attempt to have him banned from the same facilities.

In the end, Ted Cruz 2016 left behind a vile, transphobic, and abusive vision of presidency. He may not have been the Zodiac Killer, but he wasn’t much better.

Kevin Cole

Ben Carson Comes Out of Hibernation in Time for Super Tuesday

This week saw an unprecedented, energetic Ben Carson kick in the doors to his campaign headquarters, ready to take charge of his presidential campaign just in time for the Super Tuesday primaries. Those close to the candidate have reported that his sleepy demeanor was actually the result of a long-held sleep pattern developed shortly before Dr. Carson separated a pair of conjoined twins.

Carson chronicled the process in his memoir Gifted Hands:

The surgery was to last four hours. Any well-rested surgeon will begin to get the finger shakes after two hours of intensive surgery so I knew I had to develop a way to stay rested as the surgery progressed. I began to practice the motions until I could literally do it in my sleep. As time went on I perfected the method, allowing myself to sleep for day, even weeks at a time, without notice. I would communicate with patients, perform complex surgeries, and be present for important family events while asleep. My daughter’s wedding is an actual dream to me.”

Behind the scenes, Dr. Carson has survived the election with the help of his well-maintained sleep team. For most events, Carson is placed on a pair of roller skates and given a good shove towards a podium. From there he’s on autopilot, able to deliver a speech without the audience noticing a mental disconnect from the world around him.

“It’s an incredible breakthrough for politics!” said Carson’s business manager, Armstrong Williams. “Just imagine the possibilities! We can save tax payer dollars by allowing congressmen to spout off their deeply held beliefs while asleep. They could work for 24 straight hours without a break for food or accommodation. As long as they have the right folks pushing them into place they can avoid an entryway snafu like at the New Hampshire debate. I’ll admit that was rough, but Ben’s teaching me how to use the technique in my own life and I’m already looking forward to waking up to the Carson presidency.”

Though effective for Carson, this new method of sleep campaigning has its detractors. Among them is Carson’s former campaign manager Barry Bennett: “Sure he was in the room, actively participating in conversation, but he was never actually there. You have to be engaged to run a successful campaign and I couldn’t work with a candidate who’s coasting by making statements like ‘the Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they had guns.’ That dream logic doesn’t work in the real world.”

Now wide-awake, Carson has been seen doing cartwheels on the campaign trail. He’s connecting with voters like never before, joking and laughing. He once became so excited at the prospects of his presidential campaign that he was heard yelling from two blocks away. Carson now presents an energy that surpasses that of Donald Trump and has reportedly fractured 87 wrists giving out campaign trail handshakes.

This uptick in energy from the candidate has many supporters at ease, now knowing Carson is actually excited to run for president. With poll numbers through the roof, it looks like he may turn around the race and take home the nomination. This is believed to be good news for the GOP, who is currently at odds with their idealist frontrunner. Studies show Carson will likely grow tired and reenter his sleep cycle in October, just ahead of the general election.

Kevin Cole