Tag Archives: 4th of July

5th of July Beer-Shits at An All Time High

Another year has come and gone in America, and with it came backyard barbeques, parties, and celebrations to recognize our independence. Unfortunately, after consuming copious amounts of meat, cheese, and alcohol, the greatest problem facing our nation is “the day after beer-shits.”

The 5th of July has become synonymous with aching bellies and hours spent on the porcelain throne, as the fermented yeasts and aged beef fight one another for dominance in the gut. Along with the actual disgusting dumps and diarrhea explosions, we humans subject ourselves to the foulest gases exiting our bodies from both ends, and the ever present danger of hoping you just have to fart, but then not being sure if it was just gas that came out. Now, with all kinds of vegetarian options being throw into the mix with tofu and hummus, the 4th of July has become a danger zone of activity for the human body, with our toilets (and dignity) paying the price the following day.

With such a crisis on our hands, we need to band together and get the President, Congress, and the House of Representatives to declare the 5th of July a National Holiday as well. We can’t possibly continue at our current rate of over-doing everything on the fourth, only to be expected to show up not hungover and ready to perform our regularly scheduled work, not feeling like a pile of garbage. There are a lot of pressing issues facing our nation, but claiming the 5th of July as a new National Holiday should be at the top of the list. Our country (and bodies) can’t survive another year of throwing caution to the wind on the 4th , and expecting to be fully recovered by 8am the next day; it just isn’t possible.

So, as you sit in the bathroom reading this article, be sure to open a new email in between waves of nausea and intestine-cramping, and send it to your local representative, demand that they support our initiative to make the 5th of July a national holiday. Have another beer while you’re at it; we both know you aren’t going anywhere for awhile.

‘Murica.

T.M. Scholtes

Advertisements

The Best Names for Children Conceived on Independence Day:

Fireworks weren’t the only thing banging last nigh, and statistically someone reading this has to be pregnant so consider this your one-stop-shop for baby names!

  • Gloria
  • Mustang
  • Texas
  • Patriot
  • Firework
  • Weiner
  • Sparkler
  • Freefire
  • Sandal
  • Cornhole
  • Kegstand
  • Rocket
  • Yard!!
  • Freedoom.
  • L’il Spark, or Sparky….Cuz everyone knows that if a spark from a firework lands on you, you get pregnant.
  • Baker, for the park in which they were conceived.
  • “America”…after the beer that inspired the conception
  • Pabst
  • Katy Perry, as inspired by firework
  • George Washington
  • Hotdog

Lisa Burl, Isabel DuarteGiovanni Kavota,
Lydia HadfieldEmily PerperT.M. Scholtes

Fifteen Places Your Dog Will Hide When The Fireworks Start

  1. Bathtub
  2. Closet
  3. Under the bed
  4. Under the covers
  5. In the basement
  6. Your boss’s skirt
  7. Bagpipe bag
  8. In a bush
  9. In a purse
  10. Chewing/ripping all the stuffing out of the couch cushion and wearing it like an animal skin
  11. Turning fear into aggression as he chases the neighborhood kids.
  12. His personal flashbacks of Vietnam
  13. FBI witness protection program
  14. Bomb shelter you didn’t know he made
  15. In your cornhole (the game, of course)

Lisa Burl, Isabel Duarte, James McGarvey, T.M. Scholtes, 

5 Fireworks That Will Blow You Away This 4th Of July!

The Tiger Blood Bomber

An authentic Tiger Blood Bomber can be hard to find but really packs a punch. Only produced in 2010 during pop culture’s “Charlie Sheen Breakdown” these rare, cocaine infused fireworks are capable of destroying entire TV shows. Launch one of these within an earshot of a Bachelorette taping and watch the whole thing collapse from within.

North Korean Sparklers

Here’s a firework with the potential to do some serious damage. These 1/5 scale replicas of an atomic bomb are a pretty common find at your average roadside fireworks stand and they promise an impressive display of carnage. Unfortunately, in field tests they would rarely launch higher than ten feet before exploding, so be prepared for an upclose experience!

Drone Strike

Small, silent and wirelessly controlled, what more could you ask for? The Drone Strike is world’s quietest firework, capable of reaching heights averaging 78 feet in less than 5 seconds, no one will even know you set off this firework until the earshattering BOOM! For added effect, launch a few outside of Independence Day.

Pipe Bomb

This is a bit of a black-market buy but a timeless classic that’s sure to make you the hit of the party! You know that angsty teen who always lurks around in the woods near your house with a copy of The Anarchist’s Cookbook? Toss him a few bucks and we guarantee he’ll provide one of these bad boys, if he’s a real anarchist he’ll do it for free!

Riot Starter

Living in a quiet neighborhood this Fourth of July? Really shake things up with the Riot Starter! This device is a one firework finale. Capable to sustaining a series of blasts for 5 straight minutes, it’s sure to get the neighbors out of their homes just to see what the hell is going on. Once they see you with a line of riot starters, punches will be thrown and before you know it the whole neighborhood will go up in flames, all so you could have a little fun.

Kevin Cole

Surviving a Fourth Of July Hurricane

Kevin Cole

Hurricane season has begun and unfortunately, the first hurricane of the year has chosen America’s birthday to strike the coast. This has left many on the East Coast wondering what to do in the event that Arthur impedes on their holiday plans. It would be simply unamerican to reschedule, so here’s a convenient guide to enjoying the fourth amidst inclement weather:

COOKOUTS:

It’s awfully hard to keep a grill lit during a torrential downpour so take those burgers inside, put that fireplace to use during the summer. If you don’t have a propane fireplace you’ll want to keep some dry firewood handy. Then, simply wrap your patties around a meat skewer and roast away, it’ll feel like summer camp, only you’ll be inside. This is also an effective way to keep your house well lit in the event of a power outage.

FOURTH OF JULY PARADES:

It’s more than likely that your town may cancel their Independence Day Parade due to the safety concerns but with the World Wide Web it’s easier than ever to live stream distant parades. We recommend this border cam where you can view hundreds of Americans and Non-Americans parading across the border, just as our founding fathers did a little over 234 years ago.

FIREWORKS:

During a hurricane nature provides its own natural form of fireworks. Venture out into the dark of night, picnic blanket in tow, and set up shop underneath a nice tall tree. The fresh summer leaves will keep you dry as the storm rages around you. Now, sit back and enjoy lighting strikes in the distance, each bolt is a firework from God’s personal connection, and just wait for finale!