Tag Archives: Abortion

Right To Life: A Prayer for the Olympians

Holy Father,

As these Summer Games come to a close, we lift our prayers to your almighty kingdom.

That  you shall guide all competitors of pure and good heart to victory.

That those who practice promiscuity within the hallowed grounds of the Olympic Village find everlasting love with their partners so that they may bring new life to this world.

Let their condoms fill to bursting so that sperm may swim with the speed and grace of Michael Phelps to a new home within a mother’s womb.

Let your most beautiful creation, the mosquito, fly swift and fast to bear the gift of Zika to all impregnated.

May you, with the help of our earthly father Marco Rubio, pass new legislation so that all creatures born of Zika will be safe. Let Zika be welcome here as a safeguard for all children.

Lord, let your holy virus spread until all know its love and the scourge of Planned Parenthood is forever banished.

In your name we pray,


National Right to Life

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Donald J. Trump Statement Regarding Abortion (2nd Revision)

Abortion is a tricky subject. There are a lot of layers. A lot of Layers. But my wavering stance on the issue doesn’t mean I’m not right for women, much like Mel Gibson, I know what women want, I hate the jews, and I don’t shy away from using the term sugartits. I know the PC police aren’t fans of that word. “Oh, did you hear Trump said sugartits? How un-PC!” Well tough tits, I know women’s bodies and I understand the government’s right to control them.

The problem is, women don’t know women’s bodies. I know, I can read their minds, like I said: Mel Gibson. What Women Want. Terrific film. I read a woman’s mind on 5th Avenue and all she could think about was having a baby, carrying it to term, and should something happen prior to birth finding peace while serving hard time. That seems fair. But I echo this sentiment and suddenly everyone’s upset with me? Excuse me, but it’s not my fault they can’t make up their minds. So suddenly I’m anti-women? Me?

Even Lyin’ Cruz is stepping up to the plate? Have you seen his wife? He marries and uggo and suddenly he’s a crusader for women’s rights!? THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS TED. I don’t want Ted’s support. I don’t need Ted’s support. But I’m pretty sure we’re both republicans, which means we know a women’s place isn’t in prison – but it’s also not in the work place, I’m looking at you Fiorina.

Look, when I’m president this won’t even be an issue. We won’t have to make abortion illegal because women won’t need abortions. I guarantee it. I have the purest seed and billions of dollars. So when you come to see me on mandatory mating day, trust me, you’re in good large hands.

-Donald J. Trump

I’m Carly Fiorina and I STILL Need Your Vote

Ladies and Gentlemen, of which those are the only options,

I stand before you today to announce my run for President of the United States. That is to say, contrary to popular belief, I am continuing my campaign for the presidency. I feel the need to make this statement because over the weekend I saw a truly disturbing video, one in which I stated that I would be ending my campaign.

I’m sure that many of you reading this statement are asking yourselves “How come Carly didn’t notice this right after the New Hampshire Primary?” Well, you don’t become the CEO of Hewlett-Packard by googling yourself. Imagine my surprise as I was preparing my acceptance speech for the Republican Nomination when word of mouth finally reached the office stating that I had resigned.

In reviewing the footage it should come to no surprise that my “resignation” was heavily edited. Analysts for the Fiorina campaign believe this footage came from the Center for Political Progress, a Ted Cruz run, Anti-Carly Super PAC. To their credit the video is expertly constructed, it does not appear as separate chunks of my speeches strung together, much like viral videos of the president singing Never Gonna Give You Up. Instead, the footage looks like one concession speech, which I assure you never occurred. My council and I are exploring our legal options as we would like to remind those responsible that it is possible to be indicted in cases of tampering with footage. It happened to two close friends of mine.

I am absolutely devastated to find that some people would be so ruthless as to falsify information in order to take me down. I have not aborted my campaign. If you live in South Carolina, or any state, and planned to support me before, please go out on polling day and cast your vote for Carly Fiorina.

Carly Fiorina

Career Day

Cassie Schaeffer

The following is a transcript from Lucas Plank’s speech to his daughter’s fourth grade class during career day on April 13, 2014. He was supposed to be speaking about his job at the local hardware store. This transcript has been made available at the request of several of the students’ parents.

Hello, there, everybody. As many of you know, I’m Lindsey P’s dad. You can call me Mr. Plank. Today I would like to talk to you about my job. I would love to talk to you about my job, but I was fired yesterday due to a customer complaint. He suggested that I should not have encouraged him to try the two for one sale on socket wrench sets at gunpoint. It was wrong, and I am very sorry.

I am sorry to live in a country that is supposed to be free while some people out there are trampling on our rights. I’m talking about those rights we were born with, our natural protection under the law, like Jesus and white blood cells.

From the moment of conception we are free, God-fearing American citizens.  But now people are out there trying to suppress our rights and outlaw our babies by putting abortion clinics on every corner like they were Starbucks. Buy five abortions, get the sixth for free. They might as well be passing out punch cards. I tell you what, if we outlaw babies, only babies will become outlaws. They will have to be! They need to stand up and protect their rights as American citizens. They have the inalienable rights to life, liberty, and property. A lady’s womb is a baby’s home—their property—and they have the right to protect themselves from eviction, by force if necessary. I believe, as the Founding Fathers did, that the right to bear arms begins at conception.

Mr. Jenson, I know you’re a lady doctor. I heard your speech, and I think we need to start arming our fetuses, so that they can protect themselves from the far-reaching arms of Uncle Sam. You can do that, right? Pop a little revolver up there so that the baby can reach it? Women’s bodies have a way of sucking stuff up like that, I think, so it will probably be pretty easy to do during a routine check-up. I mean, I’m no doctor, but I think that’s the only way we can protect our babies and our American jobs. The more blue-blooded, fighting Americans that get born, the fewer jobs there will be for immigrants to steal. And just let them try to steal them away from our militia of trained baby soldiers. They come out shooting—the American way.

Thank you and God bless.