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Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker #7

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Question 1:

I have to buy a gift for my sister-in-law. I don’t like my sister-in-law. What could I get her that would hurt her or just make her feel bad?

There are varying levels of cruelty.

  1. The classic Russian doll situation, with a twist. Make a box-inside-a-box situation that goes maybe seven boxes deep. The important thing is to end it with a jewelry box. Inside leave a $5 bill that says, “Bitch, you think I’d get you jewelry?” If you are revered for your catty sense of humor, she will be the coward who couldn’t take a joke. If nobody finds the gift funny, shrug and offer, “I’m just such a Samantha!”
  2. If you are wealthy, give your sister-in-law an envelope filled with a large sum of money, accompanied by a note that says, “For your horribly unfortunate chin. Or your nose. We will accept the nose.”
  3. The Long Con: Find a nice, smallish porcelain sculpture and a glass-cutting knife. Next, purchase a brand of superglue with a low Amazon rating. Remove a part of the statue, glue it back together and wrap it up. Your sister-in-law will love it, and if she doesn’t, corner her after and give her some made up story about how you inherited it from your great-grandbubby. The key is to make her care about what you gave her. All that’s left to do is sit back and wait for the statue to fall apart, at which point you have a valid reason to yell at your sister-in-law as much as you want. How could she disrespect great-grandbubby by taking such poor care of her heirloom? This gag is virtually untraceable. If she ever thinks to confront you about your gift, all you have to do is say something along the lines of, “Who would ever put so much thought and effort into such a crazy act of patient passive-aggression to plan such a long-term conspiracy?”

Question 2:

I have a small penis, and I’m sick of it ruining everything. What can I do?

Check your e-mail.

Question 3:

I will be meeting my older boyfriend’s parents for the first time soon, but I’m worried about how I may come across to them, as there is a five-year age difference. I don’t want them to get the wrong idea, and I want to come across as his peer, not some naïve little girl he picked up. I mean, I keep thinking be yourself is the best policy, but I could use some pointers.   

You will want to approach this situation with the most mature mindset you can muster, and honestly, that’s just not possible if you are trying to be yourself. No offense meant, but if you were to go on “Jeopardy!” would you be yourself? Of course not! You would be your speeding, just-stayed-up-for-72-hours-straight-cramming-random-archives-of-divergent-trivia-so-you-could-maybe-make-some-money-but-more-importantly-not-look-like-a-dumbass-in-front-of-all-North-America-self. Well, this dinner is “Jeopardy! Family Edition,” but instead of winning money, you can play for small amounts of respect and self esteem.

Now, I doubt your significant other’s biological scions will be quite as difficult as Trebek, so breathe easy there. If your boyfriend’s last name is Trebek, however, bail immediately, no matter how small you think the chance of crossing paths with the fabled quizzer may be. No one can stand up to his sheer levels of maturity. Trebek is more mature than 10 librarians simultaneously shushing a kid skating past a cracked window. It is said that in first grade, one of Trebek’s classmates shouted “penis” to the uproarious cheers of his classmates, only to have the already graying fledgling host stand up and say, calmly but with authority, “Calm down children. He merely made mention of basic anatomy, and while varying for boys and girls, they both can be grouped together to be referred to as…I was looking for ‘What are genitalia?’”

But enough about the mythology of Trebek. You will have a rough time at this dinner if you aren’t careful with your footing. You can’t be too agreeable, or you seem like some spineless hussy. Yet if you are too abrasive or contrary, they’ll just think you’re a bitch. Almost any stance or persona you can adopt could backfire. For example, you could take on a save-the-earth stance to seem educated and well-meaning, but there is a chance that they could think recycling is for Commies and that global warming is a myth. The political or current event route might make you seem like an overbearing know-it-all. Really, there is only one way this could go well: appeal to the natural human compulsion for greed.

You need to act rich, and I’m not talking a few million either. Try the kind of wealth that would put Scrooge McDuck to shame. Think so full of money that you could casually command two butlers to fight to the death without a second thought. Now, a person can say they’re rich, but that’ll only get you so far. To truly sell your apparent wealth, you need to do what all rich people learn before they can walk. You need to know more about manners and random etiquette than any person should.

Instead of studying all the arcane rules of socially navigating the elite, all you have to do is make your boyfriend’s parents think they are wrong, that your knowledge of such things is superior.  I suggest the following: lure them into a sort of social trap. You are going to spout random facts during dinner. While doing this, seem as obnoxious as possible, so much so that your boyfriend’s parents insist on checking your facts. As soon as you notice one of his parents look down at a smartphone, you have won. All you need to do is act quite taken aback and mention how you have never seen anyone use a phone during dinner.  If they think they are in the wrong, they will cease to question and you will have success.

 Eventually, they will need proof of the money, which can be a problem. Just say something along the lines of your family lost all their wealth and now you are poor, but have gained a heart of gold through the turbulent times you have faced. They may view your trials as a wonderful bit of character development, but most likely they will hate you.

Well, I hope this helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions? 

E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com.

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Completely Serious Advice With Sam Walker #6

CompletelySeriousFinishedish

Question 1:
I’m in college right now, and I don’t live far enough off-campus to warrant catching the bus. At the same time, it’s a pretty lengthy and boring walk. Have any suggestion that could make this better?

Game time! Just because you are in big boy school now doesn’t mean that you still can’t let your imagination run wild to eradicate the boring out of a situation.

  • Quick question: How do you feel about mysterious, heartfelt blues music and classic detectives? If you answered anything other than yes or have any feelings of uncertainty, prepare to be jazzed. You are going to procure a bunch of blues music, load it on to a mobile player, and blast it to set that smoking alley feel. Now, start your walk. Remember that you solve cases now, and the Don wants your head after you schmoozed his main squeeze on your last job. The Don is a dick, the kind of guy who puts hits out on schmucks unfortunate enough to make that kind of mistake. So now you have every two-bit headhunter in this bottom-shelf city hot on your heels. Keep your internal monologue strong, and try to react to your surroundings in character. Have fun playing pretend and freaking out fellow pedestrians!
  • Ready for some metal gear action? Make it to school every day without being seen. Bring a Nerf gun or something, because you’ll have to hunt down anyone unfortunate enough to see you and blast ’em up. Sure, you may be late all the time, but you’ll be so sneaky! You could say you were in the class five minutes early; the shadows merely didn’t want your presence known.
  • Break out a marathon runner outfit, cover yourself in water, and sprint madly into campus. See if and how people try to jump out of your way. Occasionally shout out something like “It’s for charity!” to see if people pay more attention.
  • Try to notice if anyone walks the same way you do. If such a person exists, choose a random day and pretend she/he is chasing you. Make it seem like a matter of life or death. Just look back, make eye contact, scream and run. Because you know the path they will take, stop sprinting when you get out of line of sight, and act like you are catching your breath. This lets you repeat the same surprised scramble to your heart’s content.
  • Hire a small band to follow you to class in the morning. Personally, I’d have the band write a theme song—your morning is just the intro to your life/sitcom!

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Question 2
This government has just completely lost me. I’m done with everything, and I want to get off the grid completely. Please tell me you know how this would work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stranger, pump those breaks! It’s not like I can at all locate and leave a message for you, buried under the third spruce tree located to the left of the grill facing your house that may or may not be something akin to a starter kit and further instructions. I mean c’mon, that’s just borderline rude.

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Question 3
My girlfriend and I stumbled into a bit of an unplanned pregnancy. I have to tell my parents pretty soon, but I have no idea how to go about this. Any thoughts?

Any thoughts? Try ALL of the thoughts ( and by “ALL,” I mean two).

Option 1: Tell your parents you’ve decided to devote your life to achieving a scientific breakthrough. Next, let them know the area you intend to study is human cloning. If they are unimpressed, tell them they should be, because, y’ know, cloning. Make up some story about getting a grant or some sort of investor, so that money won’t be a problem.
Construct a large container for your girlfriend to stand in for the duration of the pregnancy—the “spawning pod.” Your parents can’t know your pregnant girlfriend is inside. That would ruin everything. Buy a voice modifier for your girlfriend, and voila! You have instant A.I. Throw in an arsenal of blue lights. Hollywood has conditioned us to associate blue lights with “the future.”
Now that you’ve laid the groundwork, brew nine months’ worth of coffee and develop a supervillain-like obsession with your scheme. Again, Hollywood lends its aid. Any movie about cloning has the government-associated adversary whose job is to capture and destroy successful cloning subjects. After the baby is born, tell your parents that the American government will allow the clone to live on one condition: you must look after it and never let its true nature be known to anyone else.  All you have to do is lie to your child about his/her origins until the end of your days, and with hardly any effort or adverse effects worth mentioning, you have the hardest part of fatherhood miles behind you.

Option 2: Plead ignorance. Blame your parents—they were too busy watching Law & Order SVU marathons to have “the talk” with you. Combine with a vastly lacking health education class at dangerously underfunded high school (for the purposes of this option), and claim you are just an unfortunate victim of a 1920s-level understanding of the human reproduction system. Just break it to your parents that, as far as you knew, the stork was totally a thing.
To avoid lifelong ridicule, you will have to demonstrate near perfect levels of cunning to explain how all of this could be just a mild misunderstanding. With enough key phrases however, I do feel this could be possible. You could potentially explain away reckless abandon as misguided scientific belief—in other words, this is the Holy Grail of the “my bad” situation.
First off, start learning basic information about the migratory patterns of large birds over the course of a year. If you do this, you can use the phrase “migratory patterns” accurately, which makes you sound amazingly more knowledgeable about your mess up, because who just casually drops migratory patterns down in regular conversation? Next, start memorizing unrelated facts about the mating rituals of random birds and use them in out-of-place conversations about the release of pheromones. Convince the average person that human and avian cross-pheromone-simultaneous reproductive activation could totally be a thing. After fabricating enough evidence, say that there was no flock overhead, so you didn’t think your girlfriend’s ovaries were primed.

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Well, I hope this has helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions you need advice on? E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

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Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker #5

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Question 1:

I am about to head off to college. I have always heard that it’s completely different from high school, and I don’t know what I should expect. What can I do to help myself, both academically and socially?
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College coming-of-age romps are a cornerstone of American cinema. If this genre has taught us anything, it is that starting out college not knowing what to do in college is basically the best way you can enter college. You have become a protagonist without even knowing it! Luckily for you, I have quite a bit of experience with these sorts of things, so let me throw out some scenarios to watch out for.
Maybe you see an amazingly attractive woman on the quad or whatever place you crazy kids use to avoid class these days. Try to introduce yourself to her. If this seems hard and is entirely out of character, you are in luck! Anyway, if when you are trying to talk to her a giant douche-machine appears out of nowhere, calls you something really uncreative, then puts his arm around her as they walk away, have yourself a little party, because you are going to end up with her. No Neanderthal ambush? No worries, the other way this can work is running into her at some sort of group function, and then he acts like a dick. Both are quite plausible.
If someone approaches you with an idea for something, do it. These days, all the college film focus is on offbeat ideas some obscure group hatch and become super rich. Not some kind of genius? Latch on to someone who is and ride some coattails!
Perhaps you find yourself interested in a frat, but don’t think you’re “cool” enough to get in.  Just make your own frat! It matters not if you are a nerd or some kind of social outcast, because there are a bunch more people like that surrounding you. This may seem daunting, and it may incur the wrath of those preexisting brotherhoods, but this is exactly what you want. If they come after you, who do you think the public will side with, a group of people just trying to have fun and avoid loner status, or a bunch of salty, entitled social terrorists?
So as you can see, you have a bright future ahead of you. Even if none of these things happen to work out, you could always get an office job and then be wrangled into some sort of odd made-up thing that ultimately allows you to have the college experience you have always wanted. No matter what, just don’t become a creepy stalker that makes hair dolls from their prey. Looking at you, Jason Schwartzman.
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Question 2:

So I was out at a bar a week ago, and I ended up bringing a guy home with me. Admittedly, I had a pretty good time, so I gave him my number. I told him upfront I wasn’t interested in dating. The thing is, he won’t stop texting me, and he is getting far too attached—even texting me that he is having these weird dreams about me. Needless to say, I haven’t seen him again. I brought him to my place, though, so he knows where I live, and I have seen him around my place. It’s starting to freak me out, and I don’t know how to get him to stop.
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The old “I think I am in love with you and am having dreams about you” situation, eh? There is only one truly effective manner to deal with this, and that is to fight crazy with crazy. I particularly like this one a whole bunch, so I’ll throw a few base ideas your way.
If he is watching you, you can always give him a show. What comes to mind will require some errands. First, go to the store and pick up corn syrup, red, blue, and green dye, and some flour. Buy a whole bunch of red candles as well. Next, go to a local costume store (if there’s not one around, there are tons of sewing tutorials online), and buy some red robes with hoods (4-6 should do). Call in a few favors to get some people to your place so they can fill the robes. Last, and probably the hardest one to acquire, is a goat. I don’t know if there is a rental place for goats around you, but I have faith in you. You’ll get one. Oh, and a tranquilizer gun. That will be key.

Wait until nightfall, and invite your accomplices over. When you know he’s watching, start making it look like you and your buddies are having a casual get-together. Maybe throw on some music, get some drinks going, the usual bullshit. Once you have things feeling regular, walk over to the stereo and dramatically turn it off. Loudly proclaim, “It is time!” or something like that. Have your buddies don the robes and make a circle around a low table, which you will cover with the candles (it’s key to leave a large open space in the middle). Lead the goat in to the center of the circle to a nice layer of background chanting.

Obstruct view of the goat and pull out the good ole’ tranq. Now, PETA may get mad about this, but it’s just a tranq, everyone sleeps, cool your jets. Put the goat to sleep, and place it on the table. Pull out your handy bowl of fake blood (which you make with the ingredients I mentioned), hand it to a select friend, disrobe and kneel. It’s important that you are naked. If you feel weird about it, he has already seen you naked, so that’s stupid. Plus, showing your naked body to people in a circle really helps sell this as real to an onlooker. Have your chosen acolyte pour the blood over your head, arise and scream, “The ritual is complete!”
Presto! Stalker gone! At least he should be. I will admit, this strategy is a double-edged sword. If he is just crazy, he will run. If he is super crazy, however, you may now very well be his dream girl. Guess you’re just going to have to roll the dice on this one.
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Question 3:

I am starting to date this girl and I want to take her out, and I’m looking for exciting, unique things to do. I’ve been going through the possibilities in my head over and over, but I keep coming up short. Any suggestions?
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Keeping things new and exciting is key to making sure your significant other doesn’t run off with some random Portuguese dude. I have a few ideas I have been storing for a rainy day:

  1. Write a puppet play, make puppets, and perform the puppet play for her. Go with some kind of puppet rom-com, except the further this play goes, the more will transition into puppet erotica. She will never see it coming, because no one sees that coming. It’s a perfect transition into something a lot more intense, and worst-case scenario, she will remember you forever. You know, on account of the puppet erotica.
  2. Inform her you rented two unicycles for a ride around town. Don’t worry if you didn’t actually get the unicycles, because she is going to say no. No one unicycles. The bonus is she will think it was sweet you tried, and you don’t have to do anything!
  3. Tell her you aren’t a sexist and that you are offended that it should fall to the man to make the plans. Also, throw in that such actions would only further perpetuate the male-dominated media.
  4. Take her out to a bar. Make sure she looks really nice. Buy a small transceiver and attach it somewhere on her person so you can hear from a distance. Instruct her to stand alone at the bar, and encourage a sultry expression. Whenever a man walks up and asks her if he could get her a drink, she will say yes. Once she has it sprint up and grab the drink, and issue a staccato “Psych!” It both gets you free drinks, and delivers a hilarious moment to savor. It even boosts your girlfriend’s self-esteem. Probably.
  5. Go out and grab yourself a pair of gas masks (or some other device that may help to prevent airborne particles take hold in your body), and tell her to prepare for a spelunking trip. The twist is, you are actually going to take her into the sewers. That’ll show her for unconsciously placing this much pressure on you by dating you just like you wanted!

So there you go, five golden ideas that could never go wrong ever. Most likely.
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Well, I hope this has helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions you need advice on?
E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

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Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker #3

Question 1:

Should I date this bartender I know? She seems really flirty and nice, but I’m just not sure. Should I go for it?

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Yes, you fool. She is a bartender; she tends bars. Free booze. That’s about all that you need to know to make a well-informed decision.

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Question 2:

I recently found out my father has been cheating on my mother. I want to say something, but I don’t know how to go about it.

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You have a few options here. You could either tell your mother (lame), or put into motion a ridiculously over-articulate plan that will scare him into stopping (badass). Lets go with the second one, as that is clearly more fun. If you are familiar with the Christmas story of Scrooge, then you may know the direction this is going in. If not, number one, go culture up, fool; and number two, it’s basically about a man who is shown the error of his ways by a series of ghosts. It will be tricky, but I think you have it in you.

Now, I’m assuming you don’t have an amazing special effects crew on hand, so you will have to find another way to sell the ghostliness. For that, I recommend getting a hold of some acid, as well as a taser; more on those later. You will then need to make either one ghost costume or many, depending on the script you want to write. Don’t stress out too much about the costume’s quality. On a night when you know your mother won’t be home, slip that acid you procured into the old guy’s drink, close to when he goes to sleep, and wait for the fun to begin. Keep a close eye on him, and when he starts to show signs of tripping (rubbing anything with an interesting pattern for longer than should be okay, screaming at the floor for trying to eat his feet, speaking to a couch as if it was Jabba the Hutt and he, Boba Fett, negotiating a bounty, etc…), make your move.

Pounce into the room in character and proceed to explain to your bewildered father the follies of cheating. If he freaks out and tries to attack you, use that taser you picked up earlier. If it doesn’t incapacitate him, it will make you seem like some kind of lighting god, and his fear will keep him at bay. Go on with your speech as you have prepared. Some good things to mention might be a horrible pocket of hell (if religion is his cup of tea) reserved for adulterers, a sad lonely death, walled out from the love of his family after he is found out, or even something like if he does it again, your badassery will return to give him a far more stern talking to with a lot more “lightning.” After you feel the message has gotten through, ask if he understands, and don’t take no for an answer. The next morning, bask in his terrified face and know that you have done right … or at least kind of right.

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Question 3:

I can’t really bring myself to like people. I mean, they exist, but that is about it for me. I feel this is starting to stunt me as a person. Any advice on how to get around this?

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The feeling of disassociation with humanity can be common, and delving into misanthropy can be a dire path. One way to get past this is to think of making friends as a game. Pokémon, to be exact.

When you look at people as a set of stats and attributes, it becomes much easier to make sense of them. There are bunches of Pokémon, and as that game franchise has Pokémon types; there are many people who can often be linked with said types. There are the fiery hotheads, the calm water types, the hippy-like grass dudes, the flashily clothed, loud electric types, the often-stoned rock types, the nerdy psychic types and even the horridly bland normal types, just to name a few. Each Pokémon type has a personality, and your new goal in (social) life is to do just what you do in the games—collect them all. Now I’m not saying go up to these people, push another person at them, reverse your oddly nondescript baseball cap, and throw balls at them (although this may work on the freaky-ass bug type people; they are … odd), as that would just bewilder them beyond any point of following you into “battle” (social stuff, parties and whatnot).

So, once you classify these people, choose the types you personally find interesting and what types have an advantage with another type. A good example is the rock type’s ability to rope in grass types. Keep in mind that you don’t want to go with just one type—one always wants a balanced party so any challenge can be faced. After you establish an initial party, expand, and, just like in the game, attempt to grab them all up. Sure, you may be reducing human interaction to a strange, game-based break from reality, and you will ultimately be manipulating people to acquire the perfect group, but you are a people master now, and they are mere people to be kept in confined spaces and forced to interact for your pleasure.

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Question 4:

Recently, I was robbed for the first time. I feel really uneasy, and the police told me that because not too much was taken, the chances of finding the robber are pretty low. Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better about the situation?

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There is honestly only one thing you can do in a situation like this, and that’s vengeance! You have been wronged, sir or madam, and it’s time to turn the tables. Based on what was stolen, provided insurance was involved, you will receive a check for the value of what is missing. Now, most people replace their old stuff with this money, but not you. Vengeance has no business with making things as they were. No, you are going to spend most of this money on a few high-price investigation tools, such as a fingerprint set, magnifying glass and a Sherlock Holmes hat—stuff like that. Keep some of the money, as you may need to make some hires in the near future. Now start dusting for prints and looking for clues. This gives you an edge on the police, as they don’t look for prints in cases involving minor burglary.

Provided you find some prints, save them up and start getting in touch with the seedy underworld of your neighborhood. First, find a hacker who can get into the police database to find a match with the prints. Assuming something comes up (if not, roam the streets busting heads Casey Jones style and find you some answers as to who nabbed your box set of Firefly), you will then want to think about how you will confront the perp. There are a few ways you can go about this. Option one is to steal stuff from him, balancing the karma of the universe. Option two is to frame him for an even bigger crime, and lead the police right to him. Option three is good old-fashioned violence, which if chosen, you may want to hire some muscle. I wish you well on your hunt, oh vengeful one. May you not be arrested for what you must do. It’s a matter of honor.

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Question 5:

Recently, I have felt a little boring and that my day-to-day is pretty dull. I want to do something “bad” or unexpected to spice my life up, but I’m only in high school. Any suggestions of things I could possibly do?

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You sir, have come to the right place. There are plenty of shenanigans to be had in this crazy world, and lucky for you I happen to know quite a few quick fixes for a boring life. Here is a list of possible activities, some more hardcore/potentially impossible than others.

  • Start using fake names everywhere you go, with elaborate back-stories, different accents and different personalities. Start going to random new places, and try to meet as many people as you can. You may find that selling the lie is a whole lot of fun, like training to be a con man.
  • Pretend to be a pair of identical twins who both hate each other and can’t stand to be in the same room together. Make sure the brothers are polar opposites, so everyone is generally unsure what to say to you. With some simple Photoshop, you can whip up a few pictures that will shut up the naysayers.
  • Drop everything, find a flight to England, and spend the rest of your days attempting to find the fabled Excalibur. Sure, it may not actually exist, but if you find it you become the new king, which is British for lady city (or man city, whatever the sexual preference).
  • Start an elaborate underground go-kart ring with an “anything goes” type rule set. If you can get word around and it starts attracting some attention, start opening betting pools, as it can be quite profitable.
  • Play a variation of ding-dong ditch called ding-dong sass. It follows the same rules except when they open the door: you insult them as much as you can. Throw random snapping in to really sell it.
  • Throw a party with non-alcoholic kegs, but tell no one. After a while, when everyone thinks they are drunk, announce that there was no alcohol in the beer, and laugh at the shame brought upon them by their foolish acting.
  • Reenact and record an alternate universe of “Reading Rainbow,” with you in place of Levar Burton. Throw in sexually explicit puns and get in fights with all of your guests after tearing up their books, while constantly screaming, “Set that to warp, bitch!”
  • Skip school, and then walk into your principal’s office. Throw pounds (if not pounds, at least one pound) of fish at him. Tell him/her that it is a family tradition, and if he/she doesn’t buy it, ask him/her if they want the fish again. Then give them the fish again regardless of the answer received.
  • Spend your days studying biology, specifically gene splicing, and start to develop awesome animal crosses, like an alligator wolf or a cheetah shark. Assuming you genetically design them to be submissive to a master, you could choose to become a super villain, providing it strikes your fancy.

Those should hold you over for a bit. Good luck, future exciting dude.

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Well, I hope this has helped some people out there.

Have any issues or questions you need advice on? E-mail them to

CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

 This edition of Completely Serious Advice appeared in The Annual #3! Purchase your copy today!