Tag Archives: Affluenza Teen

Five Supreme Court Justices We’d Like to See

For the past week a nation has speculated as to who President Obama should appoint to replace Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. If they haven’t be speculating on that, they’ve likely been speculating on what exactly the constitution means by “[the president] shall nominate, and by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, shall appoint ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls, judges of the Supreme Court.” Here at The Annual, we believe “The President” is defined as “The actual-goddamn-sitting president” and with that in mind, we hope this list of potential Supreme Court Justices makes its way to the oval office.

By David Shankbone (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By David Shankbone (Own work) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Supreme Justice Judy

10% of Americans already believe Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court and they seem pretty content with that. Why not let America’s lower 10% be right for a change, it’ll be a big win for the little guy.

By English: Steve Petteway, photographer for the Supreme Court of the United States. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
By English: Steve Petteway, photographer for the Supreme Court of the United States. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Supreme Justice RGB2

Perhaps the most country and certainly Tumblr’s most popular judge, Ruth Bader Ginsberg deserves an extra seat in the court. We’re not suggesting that she be given two votes, but use the cloning technology readily available to create a second RGB. Given the accelerated rate of clone growth, RGB2 will reach her legal maturity much quicker than the original. If we start cloning tomorrow we can have RGB2 in a robe before general election.


Supreme Justice Advisory Counsel to Martin Shkreli

While we would never recommend placing Douchebag Supreme on the Supreme Court, his legal counsel has a solid hold on the constitution. Particularly the fifth amendment, but with so much emphasis placed on the first and second it’s important that lesser amendments get some attention as well.


Supreme Justice The Affluenza Teen’s Lawyer

The GOP’s biggest fear is that President Obama will appoint a judge with a progressive interpretation of the constitution. If that’s what Obama is truly aiming for, why not appoint a lawyer who understands the law so well that they can twist it and pervert it into meaning whatever they want?

By Iamlilbub (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
By Iamlilbub (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Supreme Justice Lil’ Bub

Throughout her career Lil’ Bub has kept political affiliation close to her chest. No one’s entirely sure where she stands on any particular issue and that’s just how a Supreme Court Justice ought to be. Just look at that face, Supreme Justice Lil’ Bub could bring about a much needed return of innocence to our legal system.

Kevin Cole

Inside the Affluenza Teen’s Mexican Hideaway

On Tuesday, Ethan Couch (The Affluenza Teen) was apprehended in Puerto Vallarta for violating his probation. The location was expertly disguised within the resort town as “just another luxury condo on the Pacific Coast.” More than just a condo, the hideaway was an extravagant den of sin where money could buy much more than a conscious and Ethan could live out his fantasies.

The condo was purchased by the Couch family in October. A family real estate agent notes they were “looking for a place with little visability and sound proof walls.” What they got was a bargain. Enter the foyer, where women are actual objects, college girls on spring break, enticed into the mansion based on whether or not they liked money. There they pose as coffee tables, sofas, one even claims to be an espresso machine.

The living room, built with ivory, featurs a Curved UH3Dtv, stolen cable and surround sound set at a default level decibels higher than the human ear can withstand. You blow out an ear drum, you buy a new one, no big deal. A desk facing the window is covered in a foot of cocaine, enabling Ethan to emulate his hero, Al Pacino.

A walk in closet was filled with a wide array of disguises, not for Ethan, but for his guests. It turns out that the Couches neglected to pack anything other beer pong to keep the boy interested so they had to find a way of recreating Ethan’s favorite video games. Locals would be invited inside where they were offered free cable, clothes and any of the women in the foyer. They would then be ushered into the condominium’s greenhouse space where Ethan would embark on the most dangerous game, Call of Duty 13: The Hunt for Man. Within this private oasis, Couch would use his wealth to buy the rights to hunt any specimen he could find and then ship footage to Activision to be programed into their next video game. Ultimately, this led to the Affluenza Teen’s capture but the condo remains with much of the furniture intact, waiting for their promised pay.

Kevin Cole