Tag Archives: Alcohol

Big Rock Candy Residents Living Unhealthy Lifestyles; Medical Issues Abound

(BIG ROCK CANDY MTN, IDAHO) – A new study completed this week has determined that the residents of Big Rock Candy Mountain, Idaho, have a higher risk of almost all medical issues than anywhere else in the world, according to research done by the FDA in association with M.I.T. Medical center. Scientists discovered that all inhabitants on the mountain have shorter lifespans and are affected by health issues that have been eradicated in the other 99.9% of the United States. The expedition was led by Dr. Nadine Gordon, a teacher at MIT and expert in human health awareness.

“It was a shock, to say the least,” Gordon tells after returning from her two-month immersion in the Mountains. “My team was appalled to find what can only be described as a monumental failure in health awareness and education. These people firmly believed they were living a happy, fulfilling lifestyle, and did not want to hear our simple solutions to the many problems their communities were facing. And as for the group of people who accompanied me on this journey, just two-months of living there put them all in danger of serious health risks and long-term side effects.”

The worst problem of all was discovered before the research team could meet any of the people dwelling on the mountains.

“I didn’t know it was possible for cigarettes to grow on trees,” explains Dr. Gordon in a deep, raspy voice. “They were fully formed cigarettes, rolled, and they even had filters on the end. Just jutting off the end of the tree branches, where you would expect to see leaves. How a tree could produce such a thing was baffling, so we sent many samples to labs around the world have them tested. It turns out all the components of these ‘cigarette trees’ are organic. But it damn sure is a head-scratcher as to how the trees evolved.”

After discovering these unnaturally-natural trees, the team was concerned what would happen in the event of a wildfire. Studies were conducted, and it was determined that smoke inhalation from one of the Cigarette Tree ‘blossoms’ was as bad for the human body as a regular Marlboro Light.

“These trees surround the entire valley all the way to the top of the mountain!” Dr. Gordon recalls. “There were different styles of trees that had different kinds of cigarettes; darker wood meant high-tar concentration, tall skinny trees had long, thin cigarettes. It was truly fascinating. But the worst part was when we reached the first town, we found out that they used the cigarette trees for everything, from constructing buildings to making fires. The smoke from these trees hung around the town for twenty-four hours a day, everyone over the age of 25 was found to have lung cancer.”

Upon further review of the town’s inhabitants, Dr. Gordon was surprised how anyone had managed to live and thrive in a location like Candy Mountain.

“There was no running water, anywhere. There were tiny streams of alcohol, which is what the residents used for everything – cooking, cleaning, drinking, and sanitation. We were unable to find the source of these alcohol streams but they appeared to be never ending. Each stream we came across was determined to be a different brand of high-quality vodka, whiskey, or gin. We followed the streams to their end destination, assuming they would lead to a larger river or lake where this mysterious alcohol would be diluted by a large source of fresh water. We were wrong.”

The alcohol streams ended in two very distinct large lakes; all the whiskey streams merged to form Whiskey Lake, a large body of water estimated to be about the same size of Lake Ontario. But the vodka and gin streams came together in what is being called Stew Lake.

“It was another monumental discovery for the team. Somehow, the alcohol content of the streams combined with the nutrients of the surrounding area, the resulting lakes produced fresh vegetables under the water! We found carrots, onions, and potatoes, and studied them beneath the surface. On the lake bed, the vegetables grow right beneath the surface, and once they are fully grown, they break free from their roots and into the lake body! Stew Lake is also above some interesting geological formations, and in reality is a type of ‘hot spring.’ The alcohol and vegetable combination heats up and becomes a delicious stew! But, there also appeared to be an abundance of meat in the stew, and we wanted to know why. These vegetables would obviously be enticing to local wildlife, like lambs and pigs. We set up a tree-stand for observation, waited a few days and watched as local animals approached the lake-bank. Once there, they snacked on alcohol-infused vegetables, becoming intoxicated. Some would fall asleep on the bank, while others would wander out into the middle of the lake, looking for more delicious vegetables. These daring animals would then get too tired to make it back to shore, fall asleep, and drown. Then they would be cooked by the heat of Stew Lake. The stew itself was delicious, but the alcohol had voided all the nutritious elements from the vegetables. Residents ate the stew for two to three meals a day! Very tasty, but the alcohol content was destroying their livers, and the majority were found to have cirrhosis.”

Aside from the cigarette trees, alcohol streams, and Stew Lake, literally everything else on Big Rock Candy Mountain is made out of some form of molded sugar. The rocks, dirt, grass, and bushes were all determined to be edible, although most was far too sweet for the normal human palette. The inhabitants were observed breaking pieces of rocks off and eating them if they were too far from Stew Lake for a proper meal.

“The majority of their diet is candy!” says Dr. Gordon, sucking on a Jolly Rancher. “They give pieces of dirt to the babies, who also eat candy until they can swim by themselves in Stew Lake. Candy is used for every snack and accompanies every meal. The air was tested, and there were five thousand parts of peppermint and chocolate elements per million air molecules tested. That is unheard of in our knowledge of our earth’s atmosphere and how it affects the human body. But the scary part is, we have no idea where those elements are coming from, or what it might do to those exposed to it.”

Sadly, 100% of the Big Rock Candy Mountain’s inhabitants have diabetes.

“If you lose a limb due to the disease, it is replaced with a wooden one, made from the cigarette trees. If you lose both legs, you are automatically given a position on the local police force. Without many natural resources on the mountain, all the jails are made of tin salvaged from nearby nuclear waste disposal mines. And the precedent for dealing with crime here is to just let anyone found guilty or accused to just walk right out the door again as soon as they are brought in. Though in our time there, we did not witness any acts of violence, or hear about any crime for that matter, save for one.”

Dr. Gordon described how her team came upon a barren cigarette tree, the largest on the whole mountain, situated in the middle of a clearing, with only one large branch coming out from the trunk at the very top.

“The tree was a site to behold; just massive. But all its limbs had been removed, besides the one at the very top. There was something hanging from that limb. My team and I approached cautiously, as no residents of the candy town dared to follow us in to the clearing. As we got closer, I could make out that hanging from the tree was a long piece of rope, and at the end of the rope, a skeleton.”

Dr. Gordon’s team asked the village people (no, not those village people) what happened to the skeleton, and got the truth.

“The skeleton belonged to Charles Monday, the man that created the idea of work as we know it today. The ideas for five day work weeks, eight hours a day, and unpaid overtime all came from him. He had been missing for centuries, only known to be missing because his name is cursed at least ten million times every workday. Apparently he had tried to influence the people of this town to change their laid-back, relaxing lifestyle, to his own demise.”

A further investigation about Charles Monday and his death is still ongoing.

Asked for some final thoughts about Big Rock Candy Mountain, Dr. Gordon had this to say:

“At first glance, it seems like paradise! Everyday is sunny, there is no work, you sleep all day, there is never snow, rain, or wind; everything you always dreamed of as a kid is waiting for you. Everything except a healthy lifestyle. We could find no instance of anyone living past the age of forty on the mountain, even with access to fresh fruits and vegetables. Everyone living there prefers to do as they please, and have no care as to what might be best for them; they apparently know what is best for them. I can’t wait to get back there and see what else we might discover!”

T.M. Scholtes

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Frederick Man’s Solo SantaCon Only a Minor Embarrassment

This past weekend, Frederick resident Chris Hollenbreck embarked on his annual one-man SantaCon. The tradition has its roots in New York City, where one day of the holiday season is devoted to dressing up as Santa and consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol.  Hollenbreck, a New York University dropout and current Downtown Frederick resident, brought the festive event to his hometown two winters ago.

“People drink in Frederick, but unless it’s Drinksgiving there’s no real holiday spirit. No holiday spirits, if you catch my drift,” said Hollenbreck. “So I thought, why not toss on a Santa hat, toss back a few brews and make a night of it?”

And make a night of it he did! Hollenbreck started his adventure at Brewer’s Alley, running into a few high school friends. “Becky was there. Oh man, Becky. I’d like to stuff some coal in her stocking,” he said, thinking fondly of his fellow Urbana High School ’08 graduate.

According to Hollenbreck, he never intended for the outing to be a solo SantaCon.

“I’ve tried to get more folks to come along: Becky, Victoria, Hillary, they all had other plans. I even asked Jeff,” he said. Reportedly, Hollenbreck and Jeff hadn’t spoke since a tenth grade argument regarding Star Wars Episode III. “They’re still churning them out, so I guess we know who won that argument.”

Unable to find anyone willing to play Santa’s Little Helper, Hollenbreck made his way down the street to Wags for a few more drinks, and then stumbled over to Guido’s. That’s where a night of attempting to get bars full of people to sing Christmas carols took a turn for the worst.

“I threw up twice, which is pretty good for me, especially on SantCon,” said Hollenbreck. He recalls vomiting in front of the Guido’s restroom, followed by a prompt berating by the barkeep. “No Christmas spirit! That guy was a real Grinch. He forced this dude I was talking with to clean up the mess. He didn’t even work there!”

After being escorted from the premises, Hollenbeck vomited a second time in front of “a few nice firemen,” who called him an Uber and got him home safely. There, Hollenbeck stared long and hard into a lump of coal and wept over what he had become.

Kevin Cole

New Friend – Heaven is a Party

“Life is just a party and parties weren’t meant to last.”
-Prince

Heaven is a party with all your favorite people.
Heaven is being so overwhelmed with greetings,
That you don’t know where to begin.
Heaven is engaging a familiar face in conversation,
And making plans to see them again.
Heaven is a party with phenomenal seating,
Because every seat is next to a friend,
And in heaven every moment is regal,
Because we all share the same vocation.

Heaven is a party where everyone laughs at your jokes.
Heaven is a game of fetch with the family dog;
A break from the people you love the most.
Heaven is a party with plenty of beer,
And every cup is filled to the brim.
Heaven is a party that leaves attendees agog,
And husbands untethered,
Because they got to stay until the end.


The party is over – Actually, it’s on hiatus. The Secret Diary of Your New Friend will return January.

Giovanni Kavota

Last Hurrah – 23 Forgetting Auld Lang Syne (AKA The Drunk Show)

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Episode 23 of The Last Hurrah is now live! Click here to listen via iTunes.

Inspired by this tweet sent out from Giovanni Kavota: “All I want to do is share a beer with an old friend, tell him why I’m sad, and talk about how we’re going to change the world.”

This weekend panelists Kevin Cole, Giovanni Kavota, and Christine McQuaid drunkenly attempted to solve the world’s problems. Joined Sober Moderator DC Cathro, a lifelong non-drunkard, the three alcoholics were fed questions ranging from In exactly 13 words, no more no less, explain what Fracking is” to “Why do hurricanes keep happening?” and were charged with answering them for the betterment of mankind, womenkind, allkind really. What better way to ring in the new year than to listen to some comics stumble through life with the same (maybe less) degree of toxicity that you showed on New Years.

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Join us for more this Sunday at 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre! (31 West Patrick St. Frederick, MD)

Last Hurrah 22 – Thank God She Doesn’t Know What A Podcast Is

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Episode 22 of The Last Hurrah is now online! You can click the picture above to listen!

This weekend The Last Hurrah (in lieu of audience) was recorded from a secret location obviously located on second street. The gang (as defined as Kevin Cole, Isabel Duarte, Giovanni Kavota, Brandon Kayda, Bobby Martin, Emily Perper and Scott Travers) discussed cross-culture Christmas and early expiriments in drinking.

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Join the fun next Sunday 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre (31 West Patrick St. Frederick, MD).

Nico’s Drink of The Month: Wine

We deeply regret to inform you that Nicolas Contreras has drunken too much and is now stuck in a Jaeger coma. Doctors say for one to come out of a Jaeger coma requires an abundance of beautiful ladies’ numbers. Please email all numbers to n.guzcontreras@gmail.com.
Together we will “hopefully” get Nic out of this coma.
(The Annual is not responsible for any regrets)

In Nico’s absence, I (Kevin Cole) will be filling in, and am pleased to share with you a house favorite:

Red Wine!
One Part Welch’s Brand Grape Juice
One Part Vodka

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Mix well and enjoy.

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