Tag Archives: Barack Obama

Obama May Have Founded ISIS, But Here Are Five More Lesser Known Founders

Non-founder of The Trump Organization, Donald Trump, made waves this week when outed President Barack Obama as the founder of ISIS. Many are considering this to be an unfortunate gaffe but in reality President Obama is just one name in a long list of lesser known founders of famous organizations, here a few more notable

Starbucks founded by Ben Franklin

“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” is perhaps Ben Franklin’s most quoted phrase. Often recited to French prostitutes following his famed sex-capades, Franklin was a notorious coffee-addict. During a binge in the streets of Paris, Benjamin Franklin stayed up for five days straight, conceiving a massive chain of coffee shops so that he would never be unable to find a supplier.

Hoover Vacuums founded by J. Edgar Hoover

As the head of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover was always vigilant for ways to listen to other’s conversations. Throughout his career he made an art out of spying on anyone from suspected hollywood communists to Martin Luther King Jr. but the man with his own secrets had a need for privacy. Hyper aware that anyone could be listening in as he privately had sex with other men, Hoover created a vacuum company so no one would find it suspicious when he left the noisy cleaning contraption on at late hours of the night.

Amazon.com founded by Sam Walton

Yes, the man who founded both Walmart and Sam’s Club is also responsible for Amazon.com. Shortly before his passing he conceptualized a new form of store, one which would take up little to no retail space but was capable of driving down prices in order to further diminish small businesses. Acknowledging that this new business venture may put him in direct competition with himself, he shrugged it off, citing “I’ll be dead, what do I care?”

The Cheech and Chong Franchise founded by Bill Clinton

Bill never inhaled, but he did commission a series a documentaries to study what might happen if he did. After viewing the films, Clinton decided that zany adventures and joint-powered road trips simply weren’t for him, but he had the movies released across the country so viewers could make up their own minds.

Trump Steaks founded by Donald Trump

Perhaps Donald is so obsessed with unrecognized founders because he is one himself. In 2007, Donald created Trump Steaks as a way to further the Trump brand, but few know that Donald Trump is the Trump behind the famed steaks. In fact, few know about Trump Steaks at all because the venture had a shorter life span than two man terrorist organizations that would go south after one suicide bombing. Sad!

Kevin Cole

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10 States Suing the White House over Bathroom Rights And The Problems They Should Be More Concerned With

In addition to North Carolina, ten new states have sued the White House for requiring public schools to allow transgender students to use the bathroom that pairs with their gender identity. While the majority of these states could better spend their resources building anti-tornado defense systems, here are the larger issues affecting each one.

Alabama

Child murder is rampant in Alabama, or to be more specific, murderous children are rampant in Alabama. It’s such a pressing issue that the state has instituted a new law pertaining to how much time juveniles with a life sentence must face before becoming eligible for parole. Perhaps this explains their stance on the bathroom usage, you never know who will be a murderer, so why not pre-emptively punish the children you’re weirdly afraid of as opposed to the sociopaths you should be afraid of.

Georgia

Savannah, Georgia is a city that frequently finds itself in the nation’s top ten most haunted lists. Georgians aught to protect children by ensuring the can even get to a bathroom before the sight of ghost causes them to pee their pants. The solution? Gender-fluid Ghostbusters.

Louisiana

Yes, the state that sanctions Mardi Gras is upset over bathroom usage. Every year, Louisiana hosts one last chance at absolute revelry before Ash Wednesday, one crazy night to get all your sinnin’ in. Think of it like The Purge Lite. If this degree of partying is legal, why cares where people are pissing?

Maine

Maine’s stance on the bathroom issue should come to no surprise as the state’s governor is the human equivalent of that XOJane article where a writer professed glee over a friend’s suicide. Here’s his defense on striking down a bill that would have made a successful anti-overdose drug readily available: Naloxone does not truly save lives; it merely extends them until the next overdose. Perhaps Maine’s big problem is heroin addiction, but more likely it’s the nihilist they’ve elected to govern the state. If death is inevitable, why not enjoy life while using the bathroom you feel most comfortable in? Seems as if Maine should focus on their rampant death problem, as all who visit the state will eventually die.

Oklahoma

It’s surprising that a state named after a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical would be so set against extending rights to the LGBTQ communities. Perhaps if this issue is a true burden to Oklahomans, they should devote their time to closing every theatrical venue in the state and then suing the Rodgers and Hammerstein organization for vastly misrepresenting their state as jovial land where cowboys dance throughout the day.

Tennessee

Let’s just say this state should be less worried about what bathrooms the students are using.

Texas

A logical move for the state that almost elected a woman who believes President Obama to be a gay prostitute to their Board of Education. For Texas, this would be another step towards controlling their citizens and keeping their kids in line. We wouldn’t deny Texas the right to be who they are (even though that seems to be their biggest problem) so stay the course Texas and fight to have that woman placed on the Board of Ed, you deserve it.

Utah

Believe it or not, Utah is the country’s least racist state, which makes their stance on bathroom issues somewhat surprising. If they plan to have any hope of justifying their stance, they should concern themselves with becoming more racist, work together to find some consistency.

West Virginia

In the late 1960s, the small town of Point Pleasant, WV was plagued with sightings of an entity that came to be known as the mothman. These sightings reached an apex shortly before the Silver Bridge collapse over the Ohio river. The event that killed 46 people and afterwards this the mothman vanished. No one knows what became of the mothman or its origins but the state of West Virginia would be wise to allocate serious resources to researching this creature before they research what’s in people’s pants.

Wisconsin

A recent study has shown that Wisconsin is the least courteous state in the country. Maybe if they spent less time policing bathrooms they would be seen in a more favorable light. Say “please” and “thank you” a little more often, really focus on manners for a year and then reexamine your stance on federal bathroom policies.

 

Where are the guns?

Honey? Honey wake up! Something’s not right.

Oh my god, where are my guns? They’re gone! They’re all gone! Okay, don’t panic, they’ve got to be here somewhere maybe I accidentally left them behind the gun safe or in the pantry, they’re always the last place you used them. Jesus, where did I put them? What if the kids got a hold of them? No. I always told them not to play with the guns. They’re good kids, they’ll listen. They — oh, thank god they’re asleep.

Wait a minute… Of course. That bastard! The man from the TV, he said he would take them! I thought we were safe, I thought if I locked them away I could hold onto them for one more day. How could I have let my guard down? He just came in the middle of the night, unseen and unheard, like an evil Santa Claus. We weren’t even offered the chance to participate in a buy-back program. Just like that all my guns are gone. My Colt, my AK, my Han Solo blaster replica! All gone!

I can’t defend myself, my family, my kingdom. We’ll have to enroll in Jiu Jitsu classes. I just hope those Brazillians can be trusted…

Hey kids! Who wants to learn a martial art!? We have to learn all of them before President Mussolini comes knocking the door down to take you away and force you to pray to his sun god.

Daddy’s just going to go to the bathroom for a minute and then we’ll begin your home schooling. Wait… WHERE IS IT!?!

Kevin Cole

An Open Letter to the Washington Post

Dear Martin Baron, editor of The Washington Post,

Yesterday, I could not help but notice your publication neglected to run my obituary submitted for a Mr. Barack H. Obama.

Where’s your holiday spirit? For centuries (okay, probably decades) April Fool’s Day has been the only time serious publications can breathe easier and have a little fun with their audience. What’s more fun than a false obituary for the sitting president? I’m not asking for a cover-to-cover obituary special; I’m asking for 238 words about the passing of a great man. Most readers wouldn’t even notice, but it would baffle a select few–why would The Washington Post cover the death of a president with a small obituary, rather than blasting it all over the front page? There’s little risk anyone would believe the obituary, as it contained such gems as “President Obama passed peacefully in his sleep due to complications from sleep apnea, which he developed at a young age after lodging a crayon into his nasal cavity.” At best, you would get nine phone calls: seven from people who neglected to check for news of the President’s death anywhere else, and two from doctors who only read the obituaries and then offer to be interviewed for future pieces about sleep apnea. Apparently, The Washington Post isn’t quite as “on fleek” (a term I learned is “in” by this very publication) as I thought. The fun doesn’t have to be confined to the funny pages, nestled somewhere between “Classic Peanuts” and “Big Nate”– it  can be anywhere. You have to trust that your audience is smart enough to know the difference between a real news story and a well-placed, phony death notice. Judging by the fact your audience still reads newspapers, odds are they’re pretty smart.

Sincerely,

Kevin Cole
Editor-in-Chief, The Annual

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Obama’s New Guidelines for the NSA

Earlier this week it was announced that President Obama had sent a letter to the NSA proposing changes which considered to be “reasonable goals.” In the interest of maintaining transparency The Annual has come into possession of said proposal through a series of wire taps and we would now like to share it with the American public.

Gen. Alexander,

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Keith, perhaps General Keith, I’m not sure which I like best. In the past year, your department has come under increased public scrutiny thanks to noted war criminal Edward Snowden. Still, I believe we must change things to show that we’re doing some good for the nation. Here are my very reasonable goals for NSA in 2014:

  • Give all Americans a courtesy call prior to phone tapping, that way they’re aware that the NSA is listening to their every word.
  • Convert every mirror into two-way mirrors.
  • Consider sending complimentary fruit baskets to unhappy Americans in order to smooth things over.
  • For the love of God, limit the tap time on sex lines. Those bastards are still charging us.
  • Establish a backup plan for the backup plan when lines are down. Cups with string have to be proven ineffective.
  • Remove toilet-cams from all government buildings and fast food restaurants.
  • If you hear a man speaking with a “girly man” voice, it is your duty to inform him. Refer him to the James Earl Jones hotline.
  • The Hills Have Eyes themed decorations for all newly constructed NSA surveillance buildings.
  • Literally installing the eyes of traitors to the US in various hills, that way the public will know we’re serious.
  • Agents need to stop telling people that NSA stands for “Non-Stop America.”
  • Send out ads that correspond to what people have been talking about, people like targeted advertisements.
  • Send out letters detailing out poor grammar and choices, while providing information for local ESL classes.
  • New complimentary Birthday, Engagement, Anniversary, New born, New Job, New car, Pet Birthday, Sympathy For Your Plant Dying, Congrats On Getting That Stye Removed, Congrats For Completing One Year of Therapy; Here’s To The Next Twenty, Yeah That Amazon Customer Service Rep Was A Complete Dick, and I’m Sorry Your Mom Keeps Calling Asking Why The TV Isn’t Working cards.
  • Convert all insects into listening devices. AKA: Bugs

Seems simple enough. Increasingly covert and 100% serious. I’m not talking about reinventing the shoe phone here. Just some simple improvements for 2014.

HAGS (Have A Great Summer)

-President Barack H. Obama

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Letter composed by:

Parker Benbow, Kevin Cole, Lily Fryburg, Briana Haynie, Matt Lee, Andrew Michaels, Emily Perper, Scott Travers