Tag Archives: Beyonce

Super Bowl Offers Final Escape From 24/7 Election Coverage

(Washington DC) Last night’s big game offered the American public a fleeting chance to escape from the media’s fascination with the 2016 election. For an impressive 6 hours the nation’s collective attention was spent watch watching men physically brutalize one another, as opposed to the verbal assault seen daily in political news coverage.

Since September the public has endured a total of 13 debates with few chances for universal distraction, a new Star Wars movie, the occasional ball game, and Christmas day. Still this election season has been particularly difficult to ignore with heavy hitters like Donald Trump saying whatever it takes to make news on a daily basis. His statements, outrageous to some, and “refreshing” to an unfortunate margin has dominated casual conversation from the work place to the dinner table. It’s hard to escape the reach of this election cycle and the terror has only begun as political ads start to spread beyond the swing states.

On Sunday night, much of the country gleefully consumed miniature hot dogs and alcohol, knowing that this would likely be their last chance ignore the political atmosphere outside. While most saw the night as a moment for celebration, many living New Hampshire could note a dark turn in festivities once the first political ad aired during the game. Within twenty-four hours their state would be plagued with yard signs and endless pollster phone calls. For them the Big Game would offer a bleak reminder of the peaceful lives they once lived.

With the winner of Super Bowl decided, our nation stands on the brink of a dry-spell, with little to pull focus from politics. Optimists have pointed to the Summer Olympics as a forthcoming opportunity to take a break from the heated presidential election. However dwindling ratings from previous olympics paired with an increased fear of foreigners from the political right have analysts fearing that this year’s Olympics will do little to bring the nation together. We can only hope that Beyoncé will release a new album to provide us with a week’s worth of distraction sometime soon.

Kevin Cole

Truly Terrifying Last Minute Halloween Costumes

Kevin Cole

Every year, Halloween costumes are scarier and scarier. My son told me he wants to dress up as Hannibal this year. Not the subtly psychotic killer played by Anthony Hopkins, but the in-your-face murderer from NBC’s hit series “Hannibal.” He proposed a gruesome getup, replete with blood, knives and…antlers? Rather than indulge my boy, I suggested he dress up as one of the many real horrors that surround us daily, such as:

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The All-Seeing Eye

I’m not talking about the eye used to symbolize Sauron in The Lord Of The Rings, as frightening as that was. I’m talking about the eye we see on a daily basis atop our currency and political symbols. The All-Seeing Eye reminds us that we are always observed, surveyed and followed by the New World Order. Perhaps the best way to fight back is to have our children project the eye right back at them. The outfit shouldn’t be too complicated—just replicate Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse” music video costume.

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The Reptilian Hivemind

This is a great group costume that requires very little design on the parents part. The Reptilians, which secretly control this planet, look like you and me thanks to their shape-shifting capabilities. For this charade, gather 6-10 kids in a group. They may wear whatever they want, so long as they speak in unison. It doesn’t hurt if one child can shape-shift to look like the President every few blocks, before shifting back into child-form.

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GMOs

Monsanto slowly poisons us as they alter our produce to provide a “longer-lasting,” “flavorful” and “affordable” product. But what happens when the middle class is killed off as a result of the products they thought were safe? Head over to your local independent costume shop and purchase any full-body produce costume (I recommend an ear of corn). Add demented eyes, fangs and a freakish combination of tentacles and talons (talontacles).

[Beyoncé’s Image could not be replicated as summoning her likeness has been known to draw attention unwanted from the Illuminati]

Beyoncé

We all know she is an agent of the Illuminati. After her VMA performance, your local Halloween shop would be foolish not to stock a ready-made costume of the Queen B, just as you would be foolish to refuse her.

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