Tag Archives: bill murray

Five Unbelievable Facts That You Simply Won’t Believe

1. Most cars can be powered by corn alone

Perhaps you have noticed a shift towards gasoline that includes a percentage of Ethanol, a chemical compound partially derived from corn. Automotive companies have been under increasing pressure by oil lobbyists to cover up the fact that most modern cars can run efficiently on only a few ears of corn. In order to hide this, gas pipes have been restrained to a circumference that would only allow small pieces of baby corn to pass through.

2. David Schwimmer cannot swim

Contrary to his own namesake, Friends actor David Schwimmer has never been able to swim. A set PA for friends once described the infamous beach episode as the worst day of Schwimmer’s life. “He’s afraid of the water, wouldn’t even let his feet get wet.” the PA remarked, asking to remain anonymous, “The man spent the entire taping under a beach towel in a fetal position.”

3. Every “Bill Murray” twitter account is actually run by Bill Murray

Bill Murray is notoriously hard to get a hold of, he has no agent, no manager and chooses projects via a 1-800 number. Many believe he has avoided social media altogether, but sources working for Twitter confirm that every Bill Murray “parody” account is coming from the same IP Address. Twitter support has reached out to Murray on numerous occasions in an attempt to get these accounts verified but he won’t return their calls.

4. Lava is the coldest substance known to man

For decades scientists have led us to believe that Lava is unbearably hot, this is backed up by the popular belief that red=fire and if Lava were frigid, it would be ethereal blue. Consider this: The hottest flame is blue, so perhaps blue isn’t synonymous with the cold. The simple fact is that people don’t know lava is cold because they are too afraid of catching fire to touch it, and they are right to be afraid as lava is made from a unique chemical compound that will freeze a human being from the inside out.

5. Baseball is no longer the national pastime

No matter how often the phrase is said, it has been years since anyone played Baseball as it was intended when named the “National Pastime.” The original sport of Baseball used one base and, as was common in 1873, only white men could play. Players would use rubber mallets to bat leather balls at the man standing on home plate (the only base) until he was struck hard enough to collapse, players would then race to steal the base, often hitting one another with their mallets to gain domination. Times sure have changed.

Kevin Cole

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NORAD Murray Tracker

photo 5 update

Briana Haynie

“Welcome back to MT175.3, the radio station with your favorite songs AND the home of the official NORAD Murray Tracker. Every hour we update you on the whereabouts of mysterious thespian and professional good guy Bill Murray. When we come back we’ll answer ‘Which family photo did Mr. Murray photobomb back in 2013?’ Here’s Louis Armstrong with What a Wonderful World.”

“Hello, listeners! Let’s answer that question, shall we? Which family photo did Bill Murray photobomb back in 2013? We have a few guesses coming in via Twitter. @BM4LYFE guesses, ‘The Jolie-Pitt family.’ @IWantMeSumMurray says, ‘The Baldwin brother’s publicity photo,’ and @billBmine says ‘My <3.’ Well, one doesn’t make sense, and all three of you are wrong. Bill Murray photobombed the British Royal Family at Prince George’s christening. Wow, Prince George! I want your life. Up next: Britney Spears’ You Drive Me Crazy.”

“I can’t help but hold my fingertips on my temples and wiggle my head when I hear that song. Okay, get the biggest Bill Murray fan you know in the room, because we’ve got some more information for you. According to Jonathan Pitt from New York City, Bill Murray just stopped to tie Mr. Pitt’s shoe and said, “Don’t trip.” What a riot. This lady is a little jelly of Mr. Pitt right now. This track goes out to you Jonathan—Gin Blossoms’ Hey Jealousy.”

“According to the official NORAD Murray Tracker on MT175.com, Bill Murray is heading towards the people of Indiana. If you’re good, he might just pay a visit. This song goes out to the Bill Murray fans in Indiana. It’s Dusty Springfield’s Wishin’ and Hopin’.”

“WHEEEEEERRREEE’SSS MURRAY?! Our Murray Tracker at MT175.3 says good ol’ Bill is currently pointing out a crack in the foundation of Mrs. Melon’s house in Indiana. He noticed the crack while riding down Hilltop Road on a tricycle. Now, Mr. Murray is telling Mrs. Melon she must leave her house because it’s about to collapse. Wow, would you look at that? The house did, in fact, collapse. Bill Murray got Mrs. Melon out just in time. What a guy, what a guy. And now, The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and The News.”

“Looks like Bill is in the White House playing hide and seek with Malia and Sasha. Girls, if you’re listening, he’s in the situation room, and he’s fallen asleep. Up next, a song that Pink sings.”

“The official NORAD Murray Tracker reports Bill Murray is steadily heading toward Russia, but will make a stop in Italy to give sex advice to ex-nuns. He’s truly amazing. Here’s another trivia question for all of our regulars: Which old WB show was loosely based on a story Bill Murray once told? You mull that over while I play I Feel The Earth Move by Carole King.”

“BREAKING NEWS: Bill Murray has diagnosed President Putin of Russia with cancer. UPDATE: Bill Murray has cured Putin’s cancer by making him laugh so hard his face froze in a smile. Putin has vowed to hug an American every day because of Mr. Murray’s heroic actions. Huzzah, Mr. Murray! For this momentous occasion I will play DJ MT’s mashup of the Russian and American National Anthems.

“Wow, I cried during that entire song, especially when the beat dropped. Now, back to the question I previously posed: Which WB show was loosely based on a story Bill Murray once told? The answer? Gilmore Girls.”

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The Annual #10 Arrives in One Week!

 

Annual10cover

On July 31st The Annual #10 will (finally) arrive, just in time for it to still be considered a July/August issue. This issue is jam packed with material from your favorite Annual writers and a new interview with Sara Benincasa. This issue contains (but is not limited to) up to the minute Bill Murray tracking, a glimpse at an upcoming Pixar movie*, a look into Craigslist, an in-depth breakdown of mystery Doritos flavors, illustrated Campfire stories and so much more! Side effects may include stubbed toes, broken hearts and a realization of one’s own mortality, so preorder The Annual #10 today!

*Upcomins pixar movie in the satirical sense. Pixar movie detailed is in no way being produced by Pixar. We mention this, because Disney is known to be sticklers for their copyrights.

The Hedgehog Manifesto

Hannah Gutman

Once again, the Germans have ruined everything. I suppose “again” isn’t the right word. The World Wars of the twentieth century weren’t their finest moments, but my feud with the Germans started long before that—with the Germans that immigrated to America, to be precise. Can a feud be one-sided? I only ask because the Germans, without considering the repercussions of their actions, completely discredited the authority of my race. Once revered as prophets, now we are reduced to notoriety in illustrated stationery and YouTube videos.

 
In the mid-1800’s Klaus, Uta, Helga and all their friends found themselves in the New World. Without homes or livelihoods and finding their lederhosen to be wildly out of fashion, they did their best to bring the Motherland to Pennsylvania. They remained true to their upbringing; they raised their children to work hard, and drink harder. They told the old stories and kept the old ways. According to German lore, each year on February 2nd (or thereabouts) none other than the honorable hedgehog foretold the meteorological fate of the seasons.

 
A shadow cast by one of my noble ancestors meant at least six more weeks of winter. The tradition goes back even further to the Romans. The Romans believed if a hedgehog stepped out into the moonlight and cast a shadow, winter would carry on. When the German-Americans had polka’d their way to their new homes, there were no hedgehogs to be found. Yeah. That’s what happens when you’re too cheap to check an extra bag. You leave your culture behind. So did the immigrants send Lars to go back and fetch my kind? No. They looked around and plucked the first obese squirrel creature they came across.

 
What really gets my blood boiling is that pompous con-beast, Punxsutawney Phil. He gets the fame, the festivities, the cameras and fans, all for doing nothing at all. Besides all of that, this furry Kardashian also has his “Inner Circle,” a group of top-hatted, tuxedo-wearing men who take care of him. That’s all well and good, but if you look deeper Phil is into some freaky stuff. His cult following believes that he sips a magic elixir that adds seven years to his life. When he emerges to “predict” the weather he supposedly whispers his forecast to an announcer who can somehow understand the language they call “Groundhogese.” Sounds like these “fans” have some elixir of their own, because all that sounds like a woodland acid trip.

 
WE are the true weathermen, and yet to this day, Americans across the nation wake up on February 2nd and rush to their TVs to see if an oversized chipmunk has scared itself back into a hole or not. Have you actually seen a groundhog? Not cute. On a scale of zero to Jennifer Lawrence I’d give them a Rasputin. The average human coming across a groundhog outside the context of the holiday is most likely to think, “What the hell is that doing in my kitchen? MOOOOOMMMM!!!!” whereas an encounter with a hedgehog usually results in “ERMAHGERD TOO CUTE. Look at that widdle nosie. Awwww.” Our cuteness cannot be denied, but our cunning is often overlooked. We are born completely immune to snake venom. We can camouflage ourselves by licking a surface and producing foam from our mouths that smells exactly like said surface. We are highly advanced and intelligent creatures. We might even be aliens for all you know. (I’m not saying we’re related to Tribbles…but we might be related to Tribbles).

 
By far the greatest injustice we hedgehogs have faced at the hands of these land-beavers is the missed opportunity to be eternally associated with the great Bill Murray. Phil gets to work with him, and we get to be illegal to own as pets in the state of California. Groundhog Day is a wonderful film, aside from its glorifying portrayal of the “holiday.” Don’t get me wrong; I am proud to call Sonic my brother, but he’s no Billy Murray.

 
This February 2nd, when you tune in to that Punxsutawney broadcast or watch Groundhog Day, think of the hedgehogs. Small. Cute. Mighty. With honor we will await the day when the world will look to us once again for guidance. Until then, look for us in Santa hats and flower pots on Tumblr.

The Hedgehog Manifesto was published in The Annual #7. Click here to support The Annual!