Tag Archives: Briana Haynie

Things To Do With The Extra Hours Of Winter Darkness

Finally watch Stranger Things.

Gain Twitter followers from live tweeting Stranger Things.

Create a butt divot in your couch.

Lock yourself inside your home.

Call your mom so that she can reassure you winter won’t last forever.

Use your tears to get your daily 8 glasses of water.

Slowly unravel the sweater your aunt knitted for you as you chant “I can’t handle this” at the wall.

Contemplate death by firing squad because it’s quicker than death by winter’s wind.

Lose some Twitter followers because you’re tweeting too much about firing squads.

Thank the NRA for following you on Twitter.

Pull out your hair to crochet into a blanket.

Impress your aunt with your new blanket.

Type up a manifesto while eating a block of Velveeta cheese.

Crumple up your manifesto and start over because you typed, “Blood. Blood. Blood.” Instead of, “I’ve never gone to a Taylor Swift concert.”

Snuggle up to your laptop and wave to the Demogorgon as you pray for spring.

Briana Haynie

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How to Be A Good Friend

Step 1: Find Someone To Be Your Friend

This can be anyone you share common interests with or someone you think is interesting and nice.

Step 2: Did You Find a Friend Yet?

Really, anyone will do. Don’t be too picky.

Step 3: How About Now?

Come on, there’s got to be someone you’re acquaintances with that will make a good friend.

Step 4: That Guy Gerry In Spin Class Seems Nice.
Step 5: You’re Going To Have To Speak To People To Find A Friend 

It’s okay to be shy, but you’re going to have to push through it. Enjoying someone else’s company is a big part in being a friend. 

Step 6: Okay Then, How About A Dog?

Dogs make great companions for humans. In fact dogs love humans so much they are referred to as man’s best friend.

Step 7: Find A Rescue Shelter

There are many shelters in and around New York City. Finding a furry friend will be no trouble.

Step 8: Ouch, That Bite Looks Bad.

The blood is oozing out of the bandage! Clean yourself up before we continue your journey of being a good friend.

Step 9: We’ve Found The Perfect Friend For You, An American Girl Doll!

Meet Samantha, she’s never met a person she didn’t want to share her toys with. She loves adventures and listening to her friends when they need someone to talk to, she’ll be a perfect friend for you!

Step 10: Go To Brunch

Now that you have a new friend, it’s time to work on how you can be a GOOD friend. Friends love going to brunch with other friends. Take Samantha to a nice Sunday brunch and get to know her better. Be sure to offer to pay, it’s only polite.

Step 11: YOU BURNED OFF SAMANTHA’S HAIR

We understand Samantha is a doll but the number one rule of friendship is “Do Not Burn Your Friend’s Hair Off” and you broke that rule when you decided to use Samantha as nighttime lamp.

Step 12: Take This Body Pillow

This body pillow is your new friend. Hug it when you feel lonely, kick it when you feel angry, chew it when you are hungry. That is how to be a good friend to a body pillow.

Briana Haynie

Dr. Ben Carson’s Diary

The Annual, through a top-secret mission of secrecy, was able to obtain a piece of writing straight from Dr. Ben Carson’s diary written after he dropped out of the 2016 race. We present it here in its entirety. 

March 2nd, 2016

Dear Diary,

What an awful couple of days. As it turns out, I am not meant to be President. After my defeat on Super Tuesday there isn’t a reason to continue my campaign any longer.

I’ll manage but I’m worried dear diary, what will happen to my hands? The hands that successfully detached two twins conjoined at the head. The hands that inspired the book and movie Gifted Hands, and the hands whose fingerprints resemble the image of Jesus. What will become of my five point healing machines now that they’ll never get the chance to fix America?

I thought the power of my scalpel carriers would carry me through to the White House. But America is too politically correct to understand the healing power of these fists. All I had to do was get to the Washington, step into the oval office and place a single hand on my desk, the President’s desk, and everything would have been okay. War would have ceased, race would have become a non-issue, and my eyes would have stayed open for an entire State Of The Union Address. This could have been yours America!

But now what should I do with my magnificent metacarpi? Stick them in my pockets?! That’s a disgrace to the history of neurosurgery. No, my gifted hands are meant to do great things I just have to figure out what those next great things will be. For now I will continue making money by appearing on Fox News, and selling off the rest of my Carson2016 pins.

That’s it for now diary; I’m off to treat my mighty dukes to a massage.

 Dr. Ben

#NoExcuses

Hi God! It’s me, Mary. I just wanted to thank you again for giving me this wonderful opportunity to be the mother of the savior of the world. It’s the second best honor you could have ever bestowed. First, of course, would’ve been being the savior myself.  Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding, I’m really just happy to have some kind of role in your greater plan. As long as I get a statue in every church is what I always say.

Anyways, I’m praying to you tonight because it has been about two and a half months since I gave birth to sweet baby Jesus, and I’m having some problems with my post-baby body. It’s just not bouncing back like I hoped it would. My dream was to be the hot mom at the playground, the one all the mannies wanted to sip Jamba Juice and sit on a cold bench with. Amid nursing, diaper changing and nursing Joseph’s ego, I’m having problems fitting in time to exercise. I know, I know: #noexcuses, but I feel like giving birth to the Son of God is a really good excuse and should exempt me from certain human problems such as dumping 40 extra stupid pounds of baby weight.

I mean, of course, I’m forever thankful that you chose me to be the Virgin Mother, and baby Jesus is a blessing to both Joseph and me, even if Joseph is still taking the whole “the baby isn’t yours” thing a little hard. I’m simply proposing that maybe you can help me take a few pounds off from my hips or maybe make my shea butter lotion a little stronger so that it reduces the stretch marks faster. I don’t need my six-pack abs back right away but it would be awesome if you could make one crunch equal to 20 and one burpee equal to 100. That way I won’t have to do as many to get my bikini body back.

I know this is a lot to ask because you were really heaven-bent on Jesus being born the “natural” way, but I feel like you owe me. Now that the Beloved Son has been born au natural, you can do me a solid and give me back my body the mystical God way. No one has to know.

It’s simple really.  You see, your Holy Child has ruined my body and I want that part of me back. You and that stupid angel took that from me when you placed your tiny magical fetus in my uterus without even really asking! Your command has taken both a mental and physical toll, and the only thing that will make me happy again is if you give me what I want: a super-hot bod that makes me look like an angel. And not one of your angels—a Victoria’s Secret Angel! 

Oh, I am really sorry, I’m just so tired and irritable right now; I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I really just need a good night sleep. Can you give me approximately 10 extra hours in a day? I’d be super chill just getting that, I guess. Anyways, I’m sorry to bother you. I know you’re probably busy creating a new birch tree somewhere so it’s okay if you have to take a few hours before you can answer my prayer.

You should stop by sometime. You don’t always have to look on from the heavens. I know Jesus always enjoys your visits and Joseph isn’t so bitter about you coming around anymore. It would be nice to see you.

P.S. If you decide to bless me with a killer post-baby body, Beyonce’s is super tight and an inspiration.

In the name of the Father, Son (wink, wink), and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Briana Haynie

26 Clickbait Articles That You Have to Read!

There are so many great articles on the web and you won’t believe what they’re titled!

  • This Man’s Wife Gave Birth To A Scorpion. His First Dad Joke Will Kill You!
  • 21 life hacks for computer hackers!
  • You’ll never believe what happened after this woman smiled at a man in a CVS!
  • Disney Princesses reimagined as iPhones!
  • A soldier came home from war and his dog literally spoke to him!
  • This video of a little girl learning her ABCs will give you faith in literacy!
  • 12 cats with a picture of Christ appearing in their fur; number seven even has stigmata!
  • The 15 gifts you asked for and didn’t get for Christmas; and the Toys R Us employees you should murder because of it!
  • Top ten gifs of a human penis exploding!
  • These real life ALF look-a-likes will have you questioning society!
  • Read these real theories about the Illuminati, and go undercover protecting the secrets!
  • See all the men your mother has had sex with! You’ll never guess which number I was!
  • Five best ways to get molten candle wax out of your anus.
  • Princess Charlotte, cute? Or demonic porcelain doll? Look at these pics and decide!
  • Weekly viral videos that will have you asking, should I floss more?
  • See the top 20 dead teeth of 2015!
  • 2015 Celebrity Pets Naughty List
  • Top twenty most boring celebrity deaths of the decade!
  • Eight adorable ways to style your hair with just a rusty nail!
  • What your Mac and cheese preferences say about your sex life!
  • Twelve simple tricks to perform mind control on animals! You won’t believe number eight!
  • Fifty slugs that look like Donald Trump
  • This man dressed up as a toilet and hid in a women’s restroom… What happened next will warm your heart!
  • 5 items in the room that are giving you cancer RIGHT NOW!
  • The top super foods that are available at your local Home Depot

Isabel Duarte, Briana Haynie,
Christine McQuaid, Emily PerperT.M. Scholtes

The Annual’s Last Minute Christmas Wish List

Hey, we hope you remembered to snag a gift for the stone cold pack of weirdos running your third favorite web-based humor publication. If not, here are some last minute ideas:

  • Paper and pencil to write the list.
  • To not hear the word Trump for 48 hours total
  • Left shark onesie pajamas
  • Amnesty for late gifts on our end
  • Time to watch Making A Murderer
  • Star Wars Episode VIII
  • A Rosetta Stone for Yiddish
  • To witness someone shart at a holiday party and have them look at me so they know I know
  • One gold bar (they never go down in value)
  • More battery on my phone before it

Kevin ColeBriana Haynie, Andrew Michaels, T.M. Scholtes

 

Two Distinct Holidays: Celebrating Secular Xmas with Connor Ratliff

Connor Ratliff is a writer and improvisor in New York City. He is best known as a member of The Stepfathers, the warm-up comic for The Chris Gethard Show and the host of The George Lucas Talk Show. Ratliff’s holiday special (made with the help of Chris Gethard Show cohorts Keith Haskel and Rob Malone), The Spirit of Ratliff, goes online December 21. Ratliff is agnostic and perhaps the most passionate fan of Xmas I’ve ever met.

In your Tumblr post detailing the origins of the Spirit of Ratliff EP, you never spell out the word “Christmas.” When we transcribe this interview, should we do the same?

I think so. It’s funny, I was talking to someone last night and they were asking me about the whole special and the EP—I remember as a kid, people would say they didn’t like it when people spell “Christmas” with an X. I don’t know what the actual origin of it is, but I remember hearing so much the people didn’t like it because they felt it was X-ing out Christ, and they felt it was sacrilegious. That seems like a hostile act, whereas we were writing the songs I was making a point of what I celebrate being secular Xmas rather than the religious holiday. Even though they’re obviously connected, I do believe they are two distinct holidays that people celebrate.

It’s a visual shorthand, even though they’re pronounced the same way. I never say “Xmas” as a word. The X in Xmas is pronounced “Chris.”

The Spirit of Ratliff special is a spin-off of the Spirit of Gethard specials. In the past it has felt as though Chris [Gethard] was at the whim of whatever Keith Haskel and Rob Malone had planned, will this special have a similar feel or will it be entirely different?

I was making a joke that the first three Spirit of Gethard movies were like the first three movies in the Bourne Identity trilogy, and this one is like that fourth Bourne movie that Matt Damon wasn’t in and Jeremy Renner was. It’s of the world, but clearly not the same. Not a straight continuation.

Continue reading Two Distinct Holidays: Celebrating Secular Xmas with Connor Ratliff

Rockefeller Christmas Tree: “I’m Just a Humble Soldier Fighting in the War On Christmas”

At first when they were cutting me down I was really hurt. I had spent so many years in my family’s yard just minding my own business and occasionally offering shade that I felt betrayed. They’re cutting me down? Really? After all pine needles I’ve given them? But now I understand. I was always meant for something bigger, something greater, something holier. I was meant to be the largest, brightest and costliest soldier in the War on Christmas, the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas Tree.

From the very first day they stood me up in the plaza, I just knew I was special. People stopped and stared as the lights slowly adorned my branches. Suddenly I had a purpose in this world, to remind people that Christmas is here to stay.

I am on the front lines, ready to drop this Swarovski crystal star on any unsuspecting ice skater that dares to utter the words “Happy Holidays.” Ready to break a bulb over anyone who dares walk past me saying, “Let’s go to Starbucks.” I’m just a humble soldier in the trenches of the war throwing shade at anyone who insists on writing X-mas. It’s CHRIST-mas you dumb tourist, keep Christ in it.

Who would have thunk that a little/big spruce like me would grow up to become a symbol of the season?  Did you know that once I die, I’m immediately given a hero’s welcome to Christmas tree heaven where it snows all the time and the trees get to take turns holding baby Jesus? ButI don’t need all of that, I’m just happy to be able to serve.

Fellow soldiers fighting the great fight in this decades long war on Christmas, bring me your nativity scenes, your Merry Christmas signs and your Christmas trees that you’re forced to call holiday trees and I will shine my lights on them so that they will know that they are not alone in this fight and that I, the greatest Christmas tree of them all, am the one true soldier to lead the masses through this ever under attack season of Christmas. Also, I’ll introduce them to Al Roker; he’s a really funny guy just like you see on TV!

I have vowed to stand guard here in this Plaza amongst the tourists and streets lined with bacteria not yet identified, until my last dying breath; which will be on January 6th 2016 when they take me down and give me the funeral of a true Christmas soldier, becoming a Habitat For Humanity home. 

The Rockefeller Christmas Tree

SPAM: Happy Holidays

Dear Tommy,

Happy Holidays! My name is Dr. Stephanie Rae and I am a scientist. I have discovered the secret ingredients used to make The Best Stuff On Earth, the main ingredient in Snapple beverages. My plan is to acquire the ingredients and create my own liquid beverage made from The Best Stuff On Earth and make billions of dollars. Unfortunately I am a recluse and have trouble leaving my apartment for fear of human contact and sunrays. I have included the list of ingredients in this letter and need your help acquiring these contents. I would do it myself; however, like I said, I hate people and the sun. If you choose to accept this task your troubles will be compensated with lots of money. I must go because I am writing this in a brightly lit and crowded coffee shop; the Wi-Fi in my lab hasn’t been working lately. Please respond to this e-mail ASAP as I need the items no later than December 25th, 2015. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Dr. Stephanie Rae

Ingredients for The Best Stuff On Earth:

  1. Samsung 65” – LED – Curved – 4k Ultra – Smart – 3D – HD TV
  2. LeapFrog Leap TV Active Video Game System
  3. Onyx Zoomer Dino with Tin Storage Case
  4. iPhone 6
  5. iPhone 6 Plus
  6. NERF Mega Thunderbow Blaster
  7. MiP 2 Personal Robot – Silver
  8. $50 Outback Steakhouse Gift Certificate
  9. Disney Frozen Snow Glow Elsa
  10. Slinky Science Bionic Ear
  11. Felicity American Girl Doll from the Retired Doll Display at The American Girl Place in Chicago, IL
  12. Tulle Sheath Dress from Anthropologie – Black – Size 8
  13. DJI Phantim Drone Quadcopter WiFi Camera
  14. Agassiz High Heels from Aldo
  15. Nintendo Mario Kart Radio Control Yoshi from Brookstone
  16. Phillips 10.1” LCD Digital Photo Frame
  17. Tufted Hammock with Stand Package from Brookstone
  18. Crandell Reclina-Rocker Recliner from La–Z-Boy
  19. 4 Glider Segways
  20. XBox One
  21. $100 Sephora Gift Card
  22. Princess Leia Slave Costume
  23. Jennifer Lawrence signed Katniss Doll – Any Brand
  24. Round Trip JetBlue Tickets to Orlando Florida and Admission Tickets to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios for a Family of Four
  25. Signed Replica of B.B. King’s Guitar, Lucille.
  26. The Voice Swivel Chair – Used By Pharrell
  27. Taylor Swift (Only If She Comes Willingly)
  28. Hanes Classics Men’s Grey Tagless Boxers – Large
  29. Hanes Men’s Grey Cushion Crew Socks – Large
  30. Hanes Women’s X-Temp Low Cut Socks – Medium – White

Briana Haynie

Ever Wonder What Ben Carson Sees When He Blinks?

We here at The Annual noticed that Dr. Benjamin Carson tends to blink a lot. He often looks like he’s been walking through the desert and can’t tell if the animal skull he’s stumbled upon is talking to him. Sometimes Carson holds his blinks for such a long time it looks like he’s taking a power nap. A normal reporter might shrug that off as a mere personality tick but we know that nothing is as it appears so we asked the question, why does Dr. Ben Carson blink so much and what does he see when he does?

The answer: a video screen! He sees a video screen! It’s like his eyelids are an iPhone and he can do everything but call a friend. Now this little trick of the eye comes in real handy for our resident doctor. Whenever he’s stressed or feeling insecure he just closes his eyes and his very own personal motivational quote pops up in his eyelids.

For example, take this moment:

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 12.27.25 PM

What Ben saw when he blinked:

You’ve got this Carson. You are neurosurgery. You are the presidency. You are God.

Isn’t that awesome? Why wouldn’t you say Obamacare is worse than slavery if you had that type of encouragement?

There was also this moment:

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 12.27.41 PM

What he saw:

Don’t let anyone fool you. Homosexuals chose to be gay just like you chose to be a brilliant neurosurgeon. Bring up that point about criminals turning gay in jail again.

See! The screen even helps him stick to his talking points when the liberal gotcha media tries to test him. 

And then there was this moment:

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 12.27.59 PM

What he saw:

You beautiful bastard, you would have gunned down Hitler before he even had a chance to say heil!

The Annual has discovered that that exact quote hangs in Carson’s kitchen under a sign that says Eat, Pray, Love.

Sometimes Ben has a few moments like this:

Screen Shot 2015-11-14 at 12.28.12 PM

What Ben Carson Sees:

Show them who’s the boss! You will ride into the white house on a white horse brandishing your scalpel and freeing the nation from Obama’s tyranny!

Who’s the boss? Move over Tony Danza, Ben Carson’s the boss. 

So next time you see Ben Carson shut his eyes like he’s taking a minute to remember his lines, know that that’s pretty much exactly what he is doing.

Briana Haynie