Tag Archives: Camp Itinerary

Cullen’s Cabin Itinerary 2014

Fucking Obey It

Day 1

4:00 PM: arrive at the cabin

4:01 PM: make the cabin ritually clean by burning incense, praying, and placing strategic macaroni and cheese idols of Kim Kardashian around the cabin

5:00 PM: collect firewood

6:00 PM: burn it all

7:30 PM: Write a rap about the homoerotic tendencies of sports teams

7:45 PM: Bible Study

8:00 PM: eat lard wrapped in bacon

8:45 PM: host an unfair fight between a toothless brute of a mountain man and the frail Alex Menedez

10:00 PM: Clean up and remove the rabbit from Alex’s bum

11:00 PM: whittling

11:15 PM: take shots of bugspray and tequila

11:16 pm: throw up

11:30 pm: try again

11:33 pm: it works this time!

11:34 pm: Naht…

Day 2

12:00 AM: midnight nude hike

12:30 AM: literally freeze our nuts off and use them as ice cubes

1:00 AM: debate the possibility of a democratic-socialist society in a neoliberal world

1:30 AM: eat shrooms and pretend we are rodents, scavenge for cheese, accidentally eat wyatt’s toes

2:00 AM: Alex ODs

2:10 AM: dispose of his body

3:00 AM: sleeeeeeepy time.

7:00 AM: cabin catches on fire

7:10 AM: pee on it. Problem solved

8:00 AM: Redraft the constitution. Include the right to lion and tiger arms.

8:20 AM: Force feed Connie an unidentifiable carcass. You know, just to see.

8:30 AM: Connie dies. Expected outcome. Hypothesis confirmed. Good job, friends.

9:00 AM: Alex comes back!

9:30 AM: He explains how he was naturally detoxed by a wood nymph named Constantine the Magnificent

10:00 AM: Play capture the flag

10:30:30 AM: Declare war on a neighboring campground

10:30:31 AM: Retract and apologize.

11:30 AM: Decide the weakest member of the group. Encourage them to change using positive, encouraging methods

12:00 PM: methods fail. Beat them about the head and neck with elbows until they change.

3:30 PM: Try Wyatt for war crimes

4:00 PM: Pretend to be babies teething

4:15 PM: Discuss our inabilities to make new friends

4:16 PM: lose interest and throw a crack party

5:30 PM: butt chugging

7:00 PM: cry about our mistakes

7:10 PM: Write and film a PSA about the dangers of wet cats addicted to heroine milk

7:30 PM: create an international crisis

8:30 PM: Visited by Constance the Magnificent who turns out to be Connie who got sent through The Black Hole behind the cabin. She appeared in an alternate dimension in which she trained for 100,230 years under the king of the wood nymphs, The Great Dick Dastardly (no immediately recognizable relation to the well-known and loved cartoon villain). After years of training she returned to the exact moment in time where she encountered the deceased Alex. The rest followed as aforementioned.

10:30 PM: Group poop!

11:00 PM: Analyze a Bach Cantata

11:30 PM: Get fed up with life and leave.

Day 3

12:00 AM: Get lost and wind up in Syria.

12:01 AM: Solve all their problems. You’re welcome, Middle East!

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Cullen’s Camp Itinerary

Cullen Dolson

Cabin Trip Schedule: Fucking Obey It

Day 1

4:00- Arrive at the cabin

4:01- Check for spiders

4:02- Orgy

7:00- Cleanup

7:30- Make a recklessly large bonfire

7:45- A hearty and raucous debate about what it truly means to be Jewish

8:00- So much food

8:45- Secede from the Union

9:00- STD-themed limerick writing contest

9:30- Whittling

10:00- Begin drinking

10:30- Group poop

10:45- Panel discussion of the Sasquatch: grizzly murderer or mythic liberator?

11:00 – Sonneteering contest

11:30 – A Lincoln-Douglas-style argument about the ubiquity of guns in America and liberty more generally.

Day 2

12:00- Sensual pushup contest

12:30- Musings on the duplicity of “the man” and his system of whorish double standards

1:00- S’mores n’ shit

1:30- Displays of admiration regarding Alex’s basketball prowess in the post

2:00- Sharing happy memories

2:30- Wyatt is thrown into the fire to burn for his crimes against the Confederacy

3:00- Group sing-a-long to Queen’s greatest hits album

3:30- Bored, typical, and unproductive planning about what to do next

4:00- Super Smash Brothers (don’t ask me how)

4:30 – The drafting of the constitution

5:00 – Sunrise

5:30 – Communal lamentation for all our failures

6:00 – White person store for nourishment

6:30 – Fetus

7:00 – The hunt begins

7:30 – Re-admittance to the union

7:28 – Slumber

2:00 – Wake up and kill the least favorite member of the group.

2:30 – Gather firewood

3:30 – Group count to one million

4:00 – Begin pagan ceremonies

4:15 – Get bored with pagan ceremonies and switch to playing monopoly

4:16 – Get bored playing Monopoly and have a dildo fight

5:30 – Draw straws for who has to give Alex his nightly enema.

5:39 – Eat a nutritious dinner… Nahhhhht just keep drinking dat alcohol.

6:00 – Two sides are formed: Orcs and elves. Do battle using only limp arms with toothpicks taped to the hands.

7:30 – Sexual campfire songs (“Kumbayahhhhh,” “Ba Ba Black Penis,” “Apples and Bananas,” etc.)

8:30 – Act out various scenes from “The Santa Claus 2”

10:30 – Scripture reading

11:00 – Group poop part dos

11:30 – Mount Wyatt’s head on a stick

Day 3

12:00 – Puppet show!!!!!

1:00 – Somebody proposes to a woodland creature, but gets denied

1:30 – Start our own religion based on the worship of human feces

2:00 – Realize that nobody will want to join that religion, so we cry for a bit

3:00 – Find a long-lost relative of Alex in the woods

3:15 – Accuse them of being adulterous

3:30 – Scattegories

4:30 – Discover the cure for cancer

5:00 – Forget it

6:00 – Sleepies

8:00 – Discuss who we would bring to repopulate if we were shipped off to Venus post-destruction of Earth

9:00 – Trade one member of the group to a passing hobo in exchange for fresh moonshine

9:30 – Tidy up

10:30 – Gladiator

11:30 – Play sardines

12:00 – Someone contracts herpes

12:15 – Argue about the true meaning of the phrase “I am what I am, but I’m not a yam”

12:30 – Decide that is some stupid Latin shit

1:00 – Write an Epic of the weekend with Alex appearing as a filthy Minotaur and Cullen as a glistening demigod

1:30 – Pack up and go home


Cullen’s Camp Itinerary was originally published in The Annual #002 and be purchased here.