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Humor

Cullen’s Cabin Itinerary 2014

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Fucking Obey It

Day 1

4:00 PM: arrive at the cabin

4:01 PM: make the cabin ritually clean by burning incense, praying, and placing strategic macaroni and cheese idols of Kim Kardashian around the cabin

5:00 PM: collect firewood

6:00 PM: burn it all

7:30 PM: Write a rap about the homoerotic tendencies of sports teams

7:45 PM: Bible Study

8:00 PM: eat lard wrapped in bacon

8:45 PM: host an unfair fight between a toothless brute of a mountain man and the frail Alex Menedez

10:00 PM: Clean up and remove the rabbit from Alex’s bum

11:00 PM: whittling

11:15 PM: take shots of bugspray and tequila

11:16 pm: throw up

11:30 pm: try again

11:33 pm: it works this time!

11:34 pm: Naht…

Day 2

12:00 AM: midnight nude hike

12:30 AM: literally freeze our nuts off and use them as ice cubes

1:00 AM: debate the possibility of a democratic-socialist society in a neoliberal world

1:30 AM: eat shrooms and pretend we are rodents, scavenge for cheese, accidentally eat wyatt’s toes

2:00 AM: Alex ODs

2:10 AM: dispose of his body

3:00 AM: sleeeeeeepy time.

7:00 AM: cabin catches on fire

7:10 AM: pee on it. Problem solved

8:00 AM: Redraft the constitution. Include the right to lion and tiger arms.

8:20 AM: Force feed Connie an unidentifiable carcass. You know, just to see.

8:30 AM: Connie dies. Expected outcome. Hypothesis confirmed. Good job, friends.

9:00 AM: Alex comes back!

9:30 AM: He explains how he was naturally detoxed by a wood nymph named Constantine the Magnificent

10:00 AM: Play capture the flag

10:30:30 AM: Declare war on a neighboring campground

10:30:31 AM: Retract and apologize.

11:30 AM: Decide the weakest member of the group. Encourage them to change using positive, encouraging methods

12:00 PM: methods fail. Beat them about the head and neck with elbows until they change.

3:30 PM: Try Wyatt for war crimes

4:00 PM: Pretend to be babies teething

4:15 PM: Discuss our inabilities to make new friends

4:16 PM: lose interest and throw a crack party

5:30 PM: butt chugging

7:00 PM: cry about our mistakes

7:10 PM: Write and film a PSA about the dangers of wet cats addicted to heroine milk

7:30 PM: create an international crisis

8:30 PM: Visited by Constance the Magnificent who turns out to be Connie who got sent through The Black Hole behind the cabin. She appeared in an alternate dimension in which she trained for 100,230 years under the king of the wood nymphs, The Great Dick Dastardly (no immediately recognizable relation to the well-known and loved cartoon villain). After years of training she returned to the exact moment in time where she encountered the deceased Alex. The rest followed as aforementioned.

10:30 PM: Group poop!

11:00 PM: Analyze a Bach Cantata

11:30 PM: Get fed up with life and leave.

Day 3

12:00 AM: Get lost and wind up in Syria.

12:01 AM: Solve all their problems. You’re welcome, Middle East!

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Humor

On Pooping Outside

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Cullen Dolson

       Pooping is perhaps the most understated intellectual activity. Science has proved countless times that people who take their sweet time on the john lead happier, more successful lives. However, what do you do when you don’t have a john?! Such is the case in The Wilderness. Reader, don’t distress! It’s quite fece-able to have a superb poo, even when out in the woods. Here is my advice:

1) Find the perfect spot. 

Look for beautiful scenery away from the rest of the world. Let this spot be a serene poop-haven. This will enhance the poop/pooper relationship tenfold. It must calm the soul (and the bowels) and make for the easiest of poops. The goal here is to not even feel the loss of your fecal friend.

2) Find the best implement for wiping.

My personal favorite—a good pine cone. Not only does it successfully remove all extra stragglers, it’s rough exterior serves a double purpose as it exfoliates your down-belows. This all-natural approach to wiping leaves no trace but a baby-soft buttocks.*

3) Look for woodland creatures simultaneously enjoying a delightful poo.

There ain’t nothing better on God’s green earth than sharing a poop experience with our furry friends. Notice I said “furry” friends. This, of course, refers to our mammalian allies. Why not our reptile friends? Science has proven that these animals don’t poop. Instead, they reverse synthesize that fecal matter back into the atmosphere. Look it up—it’s science. (For more information on the pooping habits of reptiles, tune in to future columns!)

4) Most importantly, be sure to make use of this wonderful time for introspection and meditation.

I mean, where would be today if our great leaders did not make use of their own poop-time meditation? Abraham Lincoln took a seven-and-a-half hour meditative poop in the middle of the White House Garden when writing the Emancipation Proclamation. That is a whole shit ton of dedication, if you ask me (and a likewise hefty sized poo, I might add)! Dante Alighieri wrote his Divine Comedy during his stint in a secluded shack in the Apennine Mountains! Hell, Gandhi practically invented pooping!

So, do not shy away from your poo. No—embrace your time alone with an intellectual fervor like that of our greatest thinkers (and stinkers) of time gone by.

*CAUTION: Go with the grain.

On Pooping Outside was originally published in The Annual #3, purchase your copy today!