Fucking Obey It
4:00 PM: arrive at the cabin
4:01 PM: make the cabin ritually clean by burning incense, praying, and placing strategic macaroni and cheese idols of Kim Kardashian around the cabin
5:00 PM: collect firewood
6:00 PM: burn it all
7:30 PM: Write a rap about the homoerotic tendencies of sports teams
7:45 PM: Bible Study
8:00 PM: eat lard wrapped in bacon
8:45 PM: host an unfair fight between a toothless brute of a mountain man and the frail Alex Menedez
10:00 PM: Clean up and remove the rabbit from Alex’s bum
11:00 PM: whittling
11:15 PM: take shots of bugspray and tequila
11:16 pm: throw up
11:30 pm: try again
11:33 pm: it works this time!
11:34 pm: Naht…
12:00 AM: midnight nude hike
12:30 AM: literally freeze our nuts off and use them as ice cubes
1:00 AM: debate the possibility of a democratic-socialist society in a neoliberal world
1:30 AM: eat shrooms and pretend we are rodents, scavenge for cheese, accidentally eat wyatt’s toes
2:00 AM: Alex ODs
2:10 AM: dispose of his body
3:00 AM: sleeeeeeepy time.
7:00 AM: cabin catches on fire
7:10 AM: pee on it. Problem solved
8:00 AM: Redraft the constitution. Include the right to lion and tiger arms.
8:20 AM: Force feed Connie an unidentifiable carcass. You know, just to see.
8:30 AM: Connie dies. Expected outcome. Hypothesis confirmed. Good job, friends.
9:00 AM: Alex comes back!
9:30 AM: He explains how he was naturally detoxed by a wood nymph named Constantine the Magnificent
10:00 AM: Play capture the flag
10:30:30 AM: Declare war on a neighboring campground
10:30:31 AM: Retract and apologize.
11:30 AM: Decide the weakest member of the group. Encourage them to change using positive, encouraging methods
12:00 PM: methods fail. Beat them about the head and neck with elbows until they change.
3:30 PM: Try Wyatt for war crimes
4:00 PM: Pretend to be babies teething
4:15 PM: Discuss our inabilities to make new friends
4:16 PM: lose interest and throw a crack party
5:30 PM: butt chugging
7:00 PM: cry about our mistakes
7:10 PM: Write and film a PSA about the dangers of wet cats addicted to heroine milk
7:30 PM: create an international crisis
8:30 PM: Visited by Constance the Magnificent who turns out to be Connie who got sent through The Black Hole behind the cabin. She appeared in an alternate dimension in which she trained for 100,230 years under the king of the wood nymphs, The Great Dick Dastardly (no immediately recognizable relation to the well-known and loved cartoon villain). After years of training she returned to the exact moment in time where she encountered the deceased Alex. The rest followed as aforementioned.
10:30 PM: Group poop!
11:00 PM: Analyze a Bach Cantata
11:30 PM: Get fed up with life and leave.
12:00 AM: Get lost and wind up in Syria.
12:01 AM: Solve all their problems. You’re welcome, Middle East!