Tag Archives: Carly Fiorina

I’m Carly Fiorina and I STILL Need Your Vote

Ladies and Gentlemen, of which those are the only options,

I stand before you today to announce my run for President of the United States. That is to say, contrary to popular belief, I am continuing my campaign for the presidency. I feel the need to make this statement because over the weekend I saw a truly disturbing video, one in which I stated that I would be ending my campaign.

I’m sure that many of you reading this statement are asking yourselves “How come Carly didn’t notice this right after the New Hampshire Primary?” Well, you don’t become the CEO of Hewlett-Packard by googling yourself. Imagine my surprise as I was preparing my acceptance speech for the Republican Nomination when word of mouth finally reached the office stating that I had resigned.

In reviewing the footage it should come to no surprise that my “resignation” was heavily edited. Analysts for the Fiorina campaign believe this footage came from the Center for Political Progress, a Ted Cruz run, Anti-Carly Super PAC. To their credit the video is expertly constructed, it does not appear as separate chunks of my speeches strung together, much like viral videos of the president singing Never Gonna Give You Up. Instead, the footage looks like one concession speech, which I assure you never occurred. My council and I are exploring our legal options as we would like to remind those responsible that it is possible to be indicted in cases of tampering with footage. It happened to two close friends of mine.

I am absolutely devastated to find that some people would be so ruthless as to falsify information in order to take me down. I have not aborted my campaign. If you live in South Carolina, or any state, and planned to support me before, please go out on polling day and cast your vote for Carly Fiorina.

Carly Fiorina

Our Search is Complete! The First Female President Has Been Found!

At long last, we have found her! The woman destined to become our first female president, just as the sages foretold. It was predicted that she would be found in diner in far off land of New Hampshire on the primary date of elections in the year of twenty-one-six. Sound the electoral horns and gather the vetters for we have found a being of pure light to ascend to the throne!

We understand that many of you have grown weary awaiting the one true candidate but slumber well tonight for we have found her! A candidate unassuming, innocent, and just as the prophecy stated, primed to take the youth vote. There she sat, feasting alone yet surrounded by a clamoring press, she paid them no mind — the painting of a youthful, tumblr using, introvert’s dream candidate. The future president wants not for media attention or corporate funds, instead she made one simple request for her side of flapjacks! Truly, she is primed to bequeath a side of flapjacks upon this weary nation.

Spread the word far and wide, the first female president will be seen in our time! This is crucial, for we were regretably unable to inform her of the role she is to fulfill. It is believed her name is Sunny Side, and she is destined for 2020. Should you come across her, get her to an oracle and tell all you know, the first female president may arrive tomorrow!

Kevin Cole

GOP Candidates Encouraged to Wear Costumes to Tonight’s Debate

In an internal memo sent out by a top CNBC executive, presidential candidates participating in tonight’s debate have been encouraged to wear Halloween costumes onstage.  Citing concerns that GOP Contenders have run out of steam with regard to hot-button non-issues, CNBC is hoping that taking a festive approach to three-hour programming block will make up for a predicted drop in ratings.

“Viewers without a cable subscription won’t be able to watch so we’re pulling out the stops to attract whoever we can” said Mark Hoffman, CNBC’s Head of Programming. “We’re going up against Empire for christ’s sake!” He added before discussing plans to project moderators onto the set dressed as the hitchhiking ghosts from Disney’s Haunted Mansion ride.

As of press time The Annual was unable to confirm whether or not candidates would be attending in costume. Steve Harper, a political analyst for the site has predicted that Carly Fiorina will dress as a sexy nurse with little concern for her fellow woman. Ben Carson is expected to dress as a time traveling gun salesman, while Donald Trump will likely attend in his usual outfit but when asked Trump will say he’s dressed as The President.

Kevin Cole