Tag Archives: Celebrity

Why You Really Shouldn’t Give A Shit About Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Performance

On New Years Eve, pop sensation Mariah Carey was the last to fall victim to the curse of 2016. Live on Ryan Seacrest’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Mariah suffered the career embarrassment to end all career embarrassments. You can watch the clip below:

As truly embarrassing as this is for Mariah–who claims she was set up as part of a publicity stunt by Dick Clark Productions to boost ratings for what is probably the most-watched New Years Special– you should not give a shit about it. Here’s why…

mariah-2You’re not Mariah Carey, and what on God’s green earth makes you think you are? Who are you, anyway? You have some gall to question the Goddess that is Mariah Carey. “Shit happens” as she said, but even the good shit you experience will be but a fraction of the best shit that Mariah enjoys on a daily basis. After all, she is Mariah and you are… who did you say you were? Steve?

But let’s not forget the most important reason that you shouldn’t give a shit about Mariah’s New Year’s performance…

mariahDONALD TRUMP IS ABOUT TO BECOME THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

mariah-3In almost two weeks, Donald Trump, the fucking “you’re fired” guy, is going to be the leader of the free world. And maybe you’ve been too upset about Mariah to notice that Mayor McCheese has stuffed his cabinet full of white supremacists and straight-up Nazis!

mariah-4To make matters worse, Congressional Republicans just held a secret vote to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics, but then pulled the measure because the Supreme Leader essentially said “Woah, woah, not so fast guys! Let’s bury the lead a bit on ethics, take care of that in week two. We have to focus on OBAMACARE!”

WASHINGTON, DC - FEBRUARY 08: Singer-songwriter Mariah Carey performs onstage at BET Honors 2014 at Warner Theatre on February 8, 2014 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Kris Connor/BET/Getty Images for BET)
WASHINGTON, DC – FEBRUARY 08: Singer-songwriter Mariah Carey performs onstage at BET Honors 2014 at Warner Theatre on February 8, 2014 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Kris Connor/BET/Getty Images for BET)

Speaking of which, if PRESIDENT TRUMP guts Obamacare, you’ll be begging for Mariah to fuck up as badly as she did on New Years because LAUGHTER IS THE ONLY MEDICINE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD.

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So maybe cut the queen some slack, kiddos! Because in six months your president will be lip syncing poorly to Putin’s greatest hits in order to avoid another Cold War.

Kevin Cole

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Mourning The Mighty Hiddleswift

For three months the mighty Hiddleswift reigned supreme, and with it, it brought a white hot passion that would leave lasting effects on the environment. While many of us mortals believed the sun was violently inflicting 100 degree days upon us, the cause of the 2016 heatwave stemmed from the love given off by the Hiddleswift. Many remember the fateful day when the creature was first spotted on a secluded beach in Maine, only to disappear for the months to follow.

According to the ancient scrolls passed from Justin to Kelly, it is likely that the Hiddleswift built a lovenest for itself deep in the Pocono Mountains. There, it basked in its own existence, radiating an incredible warmth that is said to have accelerated the melting of the Poles. All summer, meteorologists unfamiliar with the legend of the Hiddleswift complained of a great heat, but it was merely the cold in their own hearts in comparison to the unstoppable love felt by the Hiddleswift.

All of this changed yesterday, when, without explanation or warning, the mighty Hiddleswift fell. Some believe it was done in by its own hubris, a love that burned so bright that after a short period it simply went cold. Cynics will be quick to tell you the Hiddleswift went into hiding because it was never really the pure creature we made it out to be–perhaps nothing more than a ploy for a secret music video. One thing is for certain: Right now, soothsayers are predicting a vortex of cold that will cover the land, more so than ever before. For as the Hiddleswift ended its love, it took the world’s warmth with it. It is believed that in the coming months the temperature surrounding that infamous Maine beach will steadily drop. Soon the hillsides will be covered in snow and ice, and we will have no choice but look up to the sky and curse the fallen Hiddleswift for abandoning us.

Kevin Cole

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5 Celebrities Who Don’t Celebrate Halloween

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5. Ryan Murphy

The American Horror Story creator is well-known for his love of the macabre. In fact, many believe that Murphy uses Horror Story as a venue to confess to a series of BDSM-inspired murders he has committed since 2005. What many don’t know is he uses Halloween as a day of rest. Between producing Glee, American Horror Story and an estimated 28 murders a year, Ryan Murphy keeps busy, but in a recent interview, muse Jessica Lange said, “[Ryan] is simply wonderful, and incredibly Zen. Every year I invite him to my Halloween Ball, but he consistently declines in order to spend the day in meditation.” He has reportedly done so since birth.

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4. John Carpenter

Carpenter, largely responsible for the slasher genre, actually abhors the holiday that inspired his biggest hit. Little-known fact: John Carpenter is a devout Catholic who created the film as a cautionary tale to frighten teens away from celebrating a pagan holiday. He hoped Michael Myers would become so ingrained in the public subconscious that children would spend Halloween in church and not out on the streets.

vincent price

3. Vincent Price

Many would be surprised to find that the Master of Menace actually was found with a soul for getting down. While Price took part in many Halloween specials they were all taped at least a week in advance, and he would spend Halloween at home watching the specials in the dark.

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2. Alfred Hitchcock

Hitchcock, the man who put horror on the map, was a tad too pretentious for his own good. While he spent his days devising ways to frighten the movie-going public, he considered Halloween “amateur hour.” It’s said he kept a trained flock of birds outside his house to violently attack anyone who would approach his stoop to trick-or-treat.

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1. Neil Patrick Harris

NPH and his family famously go all-out with their creative Halloween costumes. However, the family has never laid a sacrificial goat over a concrete slab, drained the creature until its veins ran dry, then bathed in the goat’s blood while pledging their allegiance to the mighty Lucifer.

Kevin Cole

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