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Listen up folks, I’m going to be honest with you, this week is going to get bleak. Ungodly bleak. I’m talking “your idol was brutally murdered by his own people” bleak. This week will be fine for the most part but in the end it’s going to turn on a dime and things will change quicker than you ever thought a logical justice system was capable of.
I promise that after all the heartbreak, self-flagulation, literal bloodshed, and biblical torture porn is done, things are really going to turn around. Next week is going to kick off in a big way. Christ won’t be dead for long (Spoiler alert: he comes back next week)! All you have to do, is survive this mundane, awful week and I promise it will be much better next time around.
That is, if you subscribe to that religion. Shit, you may be an atheist – so to you I say “L’chaim!” because things are on course to stay pretty much the same. You’ll have the typical highs and lows all manifesting of your own creation and that’s great. A Friday that’s a real bummer for most will actually be a good Friday for you! You are in control of your own destiny, you are a god, or you could be if you believed in that kind of thing.
Perhaps you’re Jewish and read all the way through this to see if you were included. Don’t worry, dear Jewish reader, I haven’t forgotten you! Break out the Mevushal Wine because it’s Purim time! Purim is “the most joyous and fun holiday on the Jewish calendar” but don’t take it from me, take it from JewFaq.org! If the purim meal is anything like the Passover Seder I enjoyed as a young Methodist, you’ve got plenty to look forward too. And if Purim is very much the Jewish equivalent of Thanksgiving (as I have gleaned from the film For Your Consideration) you’ll have a week of leftovers to look forward to as well. Fast not, fear not, and a very merry Purim one and all and may all your Friday’s be good!
Lent is upon us and for the next six weeks Christians will be giving up anything from chocolate to watching TV. We’ve compiled 52 essential things to quit for lent, see how many you’re giving up and tell your friends how good a Christian you are!
1-3: Fallen Angel; 4-10: Decent Christian; 11-20: Good Christian; 21-30: Altar boy; 31-40: Disciple; 41-51: John The Baptist
52: Pope Francis
- Faith in Christ
- Lean Pockets
- The type of art where you make paintings out of your vomit
- Sharing things on Facebook before doing 5 seconds of research to see if it’s made up
- Telling everyone that the fish jumped out of the water and somehow got its mouth stuck on your penis by itself
- Roller-blades (but not skates)
- Making every bun a pretzel bun
- Using the words “correctomundo” and “fo-sho” — See also: “epic”
- Alcohol over 18% (ok, maybe 31%)
- Indulgent chuckling
- Ironic appropriation of AAVE
- Having sex with your friends’ boyfriends (I heard Jesus would really appreciate it)
- Pro-life bumper stickers
- Eye contact
- Chocolate flavored prophylactics
Asking to speak with your manager immediately
- Taking all your self-loathing and personal frustrations out on the Kardashian/West family
- Thinking about the country of Africa to make you feel better about your problems
- Answering incriminating questions
- The physical limitations of gravity
- Your virginity
- ALL television (but, like, TV-television. Not computer television. that’s different.)
- Über and everything they stand for
- Instagramming my breakfast
- The Annual
- “Wonderwall” by Oasis
- Plotting revenge
- Making ‘Fetch’ happen
- Catching up on Game of Thrones before the next season
- Having earbuds in for the sole purpose of not talking to your co-workers
- Dipping triscuits in straight-up frosting
Cleaning the litter boxes
Pooping in the litter boxes
- Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Ugg boots
- My Sherpa
- My Sharona
- My Giant
- The Mayan Calendar
- Lionel Ritchie’s Greatest Hits
- Tickling bystanders
- Walking up to unsuspected people whispering “I like the way your breath smells in the morning.”
- Taking selfies of selfies
- Drinking Jack and milk
Mr. Trump and I don’t agree on every issue, but it has recently come to my attention that we both hold the power to alter the course of history. Donald proposes that as president he would have prevented 9/11 from occurring but looking back at the course of history I know I could do better.
Perhaps one of the most impactful events in our planet’s history was the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I recently spent a good deal of time in silent reflection on this issue and can confidently say that if I had been around in those days things would have gone differently.
Seated in power as Emperor Ben Carson, the Christ Case would not have even made it to court. Instead, I would have stood up to the pharisees early on and said “Hey folks, this guy has some really good ideas, I think we should listen to what he’s saying and maybe let him stick around for a while.” It’s really not that hard to see how things would be different. As the Son of God, Jesus would not have perished on the cross and speaking as a doctor, I’m certain he would not have perished at all. Had I been in power at the time, Christ would have lived on to personally discover the Judeo-Christian nation we live in today.
When my time as emperor was up I would have had the foresight to put in place laws to prevent the actions of the Caligula administration that followed. What we need in the White House is a leader who is willing to look back and see what things might have been done differently in the past to save our present.
To maintain a sense of accuracy, please read in a dreary mumble.
This weekend’s Last Hurrah is now available online, download it and subscribe to the show via iTunes.
Katie RattiganEpisode Writers: