Tag Archives: Christine McQuaid

A Breakup Letter to The Summer Heat

from: Me
to: The Blistering Summer Heat

I don’t know how we got to this place. I remember spending cold winter nights daydreaming about what it would be like when we were together again.  I couldn’t wait to live surrounded by your sunny embrace. You were all I could think about. And when you finally came around, you were the best thing in my life. You brought me so much love and joy and even on the select few occasions where you were a bit too much too soon, I embraced it. It had been almost a year since I had felt that warm feeling and so I perspired willingly. At some point, I fell in love with it.

But your comfortable breeze quickly turned stale, thick and stuffy. You’ve changed. And I’ve changed. Literally. I cannot wear fewer than 3 shirts a day because I sweat through all of them. I take off my socks every day and wring them out like sponges, shedding a little of our love with every drop of foot sweat. It really just feels like you’re doing this on purpose to control me. I used to be able to wear whatever I wanted, but now I have to dress myself according to how hot you’re going to make the world. I want to decide what clothes to put on my body based on my style or mood, not based on how unbearable you are going to be on any given day.

And it’s not just what I wear – it’s everything I do. I can’t even make plans without first consulting you. I can’t just spend the day on a hike with friends or taking a stroll in the park, not with you there, blowing hot air down our necks. You make it impossible for us to just enjoy ourselves. You’re suffocating me.

I think I need to find someone more temperate. Perhaps a manufactured jet of cool central air, or maybe an entirely new season. I hear pumpkin spice is great this time of year– maybe I will find myself a mild autumn breeze to love. I don’t know who I’m meant to be with, but I do know it’s not you.

I do still care about you and I want us to be friends. I just don’t know how to do that at this point. That’s the hardest part of all of this. In fact, as I type this, I cannot tell if I am sweating or crying. Perhaps it’s both. But that’s exactly the problem; I am just not happy with you. And I don’t think I ever will be.

I hope we can still be friends.

All the best,
Christine

Spring Break Frenzy Claims Life of North Pole Reindeer

PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla. –  A recent tragedy struck close to Holiday home Friday night, leaving the entire human race shaken.

Panama City Beach reports that Dasher, the eldest of Santa’s reindeer has died due to a drug overdose. According to recent reports, the other seven have been comatose since hospitalization. “We won’t know the damage of injuries sustained until they wake up. If they wake up.” stated Dr. Joy, head of the medical team at Bay Medical Center.

The group was visiting Panama City Beach from their hometown, the North Pole. “They told me they were planning to stay local for spring break.” explains Durolph*, a coworker shares via phone interview. “… although we have had a stressful few weeks of Q1 inventory. I wonder why they didn’t invite me.”

The preliminary autopsy report on Dasher indicates the presence of “Atnas,” a compound commonly found in emerging street drug Oxyheroin. Also known as “Father Kushmas” and “Snow Blower,” Oxyheroin is a potent mix of marijuana and cocaine that is rapidly gaining popularity among adolescent reindeer aged 16 to 22. Health care professionals are calling it an “epidemic that must be stopped.”

Panama City Beach Police Department have issued a public statement grieving the news and shared their commitment to finding and shutting down all local Oxyheroin outlets. The investigation is open and ongoing.

While Mr. Santa Claus has remained silent on recent events, a spokesperson from the Holiday Elves’ Labor Union issued a statement saying that Mr. Claus and his wife are devastated by the news and are unlikely to accept interviews at this time.

The North Pole has not returned The Annual’s request for comment.

*Name changed per participant request.

Christine McQuaid

Bachelor Upset! Ben Higgins Chooses Koko the Signing Gorilla

Monday night, Season 20 of ABC’s hit show The Bachelor came to its BONKERS conclusion. In an turn of events that can only be described as “unprecedented” and “not at all scripted”, Bachelor Ben Higgins pronounced his love for both of the remaining contestants and then promptly dumped the pair. He then went way off script, getting down on one knee for a contestant that he sent packing weeks ago.

For those who haven’t been following along, 26-year-old software salesman Ben Higgins’ journey led him through the elimination of over two dozen women, leaving him to choose between Hot Blonde Flight Attendant Lauren and Hot Brunette Real Estate Developer Jojo. “I’m so torn; my heart is in two different places” Ben agonizes, fighting back tears. “I can’t sleep. This is is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.”

The final rose ceremony moment arrives and Ben is visibly wracked with uncertainty, but a decision must be made. The first helicopter lands and out steps Jojo. Historically, the first man or woman to arrive at the rose ceremony is generally the one who is sent home square-mouth crying in the back of a tinted SUV. While many quietly celebrate Lauren’s assumed victory, Jojo proclaims her love for Ben, delivering her profound truth: “I love you with all my heart.” To which Ben replies, “I didn’t know if I could find love. I found it with you” (!!!!!!!), but follows up with “… But I found it with somebody else more.” Yikes. Torture. Jojo hurriedly departs in tears and Ben follows her to the car, attempting to comfort her by saying all the wrong things. They share a very pathetic embrace, and Jojo leaves.

Next up is Lauren, who must be the winner, right? WRONG! The second helicopter lands, and the blonde bombshell Lauren emerges, meeting Bachelor host Chris Harrison at the door. She, too, approaches Ben with an impassioned smile. But alas, Ben repeats his narrative, stating that his heart belongs to someone else.

…WHAT?! But whom if not Lauren!?

After having broken two hearts, Ben wears a warm and weirdly contagious smile as he stares off into the woods. The camera cuts to a nearby tree, slowly pulling into focus. Descending the palm tree is Bachelor contestant Koko the Signing Gorilla, who had been eliminated in week 5 because Ben felt as though they “weren’t communicating well.”

Koko approaches Ben, dressed to the nines in a beautiful Jason Wu gown with a sweetheart neckline and the rest, as they say, is history. Ben proposed to her with a 22 karat ring in a bouquet of fresh bananas.

“It was weird. We communicated better when she wasn’t around” he explains. “We just….. kept in touch. I never stopped loving her.”

“She’s beautiful,” shares Ben Higgins, “I like that she’s so… natural, unlike like the other girls.” Indeed, Benjamin. It must be refreshing to spend time with a woman who doesn’t look like she was dethroned from a Fox News desk because her vocal fry was too strong.

Congratulations to the happy couple! We here at The Annual wish you many years of wedded bliss!

Christine McQuaid

10 Things More Problematic About Kim Kardashian Than Nude Selfies

Kim Kardashian-West, millionaire by association, has come under fire after sharing a nude photo to her Twitter page. The snapshot, in celebration of International Women’s Day, revealed her nearly-perfect composition, with all the good parts black-boxed out :-/. Her photo was met with invective from folks all across the board, from pop star P!nk to actress Chloe Grace Moretz and jill-of-all-trades Bette Midler.

Listen. I get it. Kim Kardashian would be a nobody if it weren’t for nepotism, bombshell body proportions, and a sex tape that lit the spark igniting the nuclear bomb that is now the Kardashian Empire. However, her boobs and booty are not grounds for condemnation. Instead, here is a comprehensive list of reasons to loathe her existence that are very much fair game.

  1. She lacks any sort of discernable talent and is somehow still worth more than every person on my block combined.
  2. She is a vapid reality star who makes millions for nothing more than intermittently texting and crying on camera.
  3. She is somehow always in the headlines? How does a person always have news to share.
  4. Her business venture got her a role in “Disaster Movie” and while its box office performance was tremendously catastrophic, she still got to spend a week on set with Ike Barinholtz and now has a movie credit.
  5. Founded the Illuminati.
  6. Wrote the How I Met Your Mother series finale.
  7. Gave the Native Americans Smallpox and built shoe factories on their graves.
  8. Created an anti-drug campaign based around a 3 word slogan that ultimately led to mass incarcerations.
  9. Spent her lifesavings to build a slightly larger Washington Monument three blocks away from the original.
  10. Is always bringing back the McRib.

Christine McQuaid

Sexuality is a Spectrum and We’ve Got The New Ghostbusters Trailer To Prove It

Alright ladies, you thought you were pretty secure in your sexuality, but there’s one steamy video that’s been circulating the web for the past 24 hours that is definitely going to change things. Just take a look at this:

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Okay, okay, dial it back. This may be the most simultaneously titillating and empowering 24 frames of film to grace cinema, but we shouldn’t have come on so strong. Still, that didn’t stop Tumblr user TalesOfNorth from creating a gifset of Kate McKinnon in the new Ghostbusters and captioning it “I think my panties are ghost too because they suddenly disappeared into thin air.”

Us too, TalesOfNorth. Us too. And we’re not the only ones who are fighting to keep the arousal-induced asthma attacks at bay. The New York Times called the movie promo a “slice of cinematic heaven”. It placed first in Time Magazine’s “Top 10 Movie Trailers Under 30” and the Washington Post praised it as “a tantalizing blend of overtly provocative, hilarious and unsexily… sexy?”

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For some this trailer only goes to affirm long-held sexual needs, but for many the footage is bringing about the sensation for the first time. Across the web, women who previously identified as straight are sharing gifs of Kate McKinnon’s performance and admitting that “maybe [they are] are little bit gay.” And that’s okay, sexuality is a spectrum, so you could very much be a little bit gay. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with getting the same amount of excitement from two seconds of Chris Helmsworth kicking down a door as you do from two seconds of Kate McKinnon licking that gun.

The fact is, the world is filled with beautiful people, most of them happen to be in the new Ghostbusters trailer and you owe it to yourself explore what that means for you. Perhaps you’re so overcome with emotions that you know exactly who you’re gonna call and just like tumblr user abitnotgood you’ll place your application to be a new ghostbuster…

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Suffice to say, we’re happy to see some emotions are stronger than the hatred of men’s rights activists who are complaining about the death of their childhood based on a film that was released before they were even conceived. Do yourself a favor and view the trailer below. Should you find yourself in the middle of sexual awakening, please send an email to mailbag@theannualonline.com with the subject line “Ghostbusters Testimonial.”

Kevin Cole, Christine McQuaid

Good Christian? How Many Of These Things Are You Giving Up For Lent?

Lent is upon us and for the next six weeks Christians will be giving up anything from chocolate to watching TV. We’ve compiled 52 essential things to quit for lent, see how many you’re giving up and tell your friends how good a Christian you are!

1-3: Fallen Angel; 4-10: Decent Christian; 11-20: Good Christian; 21-30: Altar boy; 31-40: Disciple; 41-51: John The Baptist
52: Pope Francis

  • Flossing
  • Faith in Christ
  • Lean Pockets
  • The type of art where you make paintings out of your vomit
  • Sharing things on Facebook before doing 5 seconds of research to see if it’s made up
  • Telling everyone that the fish jumped out of the water and somehow got its mouth stuck on your penis by itself
  • Roller-blades (but not skates)
  • Making every bun a pretzel bun
  • Using the words “correctomundo” and “fo-sho” — See also: “epic”
  • Alcohol over 18% (ok, maybe 31%)
  • Indulgent chuckling
  • Ironic appropriation of AAVE
  • Having sex with your friends’ boyfriends (I heard Jesus would really appreciate it)
  • Pro-life bumper stickers
  • Complain-a-bragging
  • Eye contact
  • Chocolate flavored prophylactics
  • Asking to speak with your manager immediately
  • Taking all your self-loathing and personal frustrations out on the Kardashian/West family
  • Thinking about the country of Africa to make you feel better about your problems
  • Answering incriminating questions
  • Self-respect
  • The physical limitations of gravity
  • Using coupons
  • Your virginity
  • ALL television (but, like, TV-television. Not computer television. that’s different.)
  • Buzzfeed
  • Über and everything they stand for
  • Instagramming my breakfast
  • The Annual
  • “Wonderwall” by Oasis
  • Plotting revenge
  • Making ‘Fetch’ happen
  • Catching up on Game of Thrones before the next season
  • Having earbuds in for the sole purpose of not talking to your co-workers
  • Dipping triscuits in straight-up frosting
  • Wiping
  • Cleaning the litter boxes
  • Pooping in the litter boxes
  • CRAZY TALK
  • Football
  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Ugg boots
  • My Sherpa
  • My Sharona
  • My Giant
  • The Mayan Calendar
  • Mylanta
  • Lionel Ritchie’s Greatest Hits
  • Tickling bystanders
  • Walking up to unsuspected people whispering “I like the way your breath smells in the morning.”
  • Taking selfies of selfies
  • Drinking Jack and milk

Lisa Burl, Kevin ColeIsabel Duarte, Hannah Gutman, Lydia Hadfield,
David Luna, James McGarvey, Christine McQuaid, T.M. Scholtes

26 Clickbait Articles That You Have to Read!

There are so many great articles on the web and you won’t believe what they’re titled!

  • This Man’s Wife Gave Birth To A Scorpion. His First Dad Joke Will Kill You!
  • 21 life hacks for computer hackers!
  • You’ll never believe what happened after this woman smiled at a man in a CVS!
  • Disney Princesses reimagined as iPhones!
  • A soldier came home from war and his dog literally spoke to him!
  • This video of a little girl learning her ABCs will give you faith in literacy!
  • 12 cats with a picture of Christ appearing in their fur; number seven even has stigmata!
  • The 15 gifts you asked for and didn’t get for Christmas; and the Toys R Us employees you should murder because of it!
  • Top ten gifs of a human penis exploding!
  • These real life ALF look-a-likes will have you questioning society!
  • Read these real theories about the Illuminati, and go undercover protecting the secrets!
  • See all the men your mother has had sex with! You’ll never guess which number I was!
  • Five best ways to get molten candle wax out of your anus.
  • Princess Charlotte, cute? Or demonic porcelain doll? Look at these pics and decide!
  • Weekly viral videos that will have you asking, should I floss more?
  • See the top 20 dead teeth of 2015!
  • 2015 Celebrity Pets Naughty List
  • Top twenty most boring celebrity deaths of the decade!
  • Eight adorable ways to style your hair with just a rusty nail!
  • What your Mac and cheese preferences say about your sex life!
  • Twelve simple tricks to perform mind control on animals! You won’t believe number eight!
  • Fifty slugs that look like Donald Trump
  • This man dressed up as a toilet and hid in a women’s restroom… What happened next will warm your heart!
  • 5 items in the room that are giving you cancer RIGHT NOW!
  • The top super foods that are available at your local Home Depot

Isabel Duarte, Briana Haynie,
Christine McQuaid, Emily PerperT.M. Scholtes