Tag Archives: Christmas Gifts

Frederick Man Unsatisfied with Christmas Gifts after Clearly Stating he Wanted Nothing

When local resident Brad Lipan leapt out of bed and bounded down the steps of his childhood home Christmas morning, he was ill prepared for the horrific site that awaited him.

“I was shocked,” said Brad, shivering under a mound of Santa Claus-print throw rugs. “I literally could not believe what was right in front of my eyes.”

Three weeks earlier, Brad’s parents – Tim and Jamie Lipan – had asked Brad what he wanted for Christmas.

“It’s tradition,” explained Jamie, tears streaking down her face. “We’ve always asked what Brad wanted for Christmas, regardless of whether or not he had been good that year.”

Brad had clearly stated that he didn’t want anything for Christmas this year, seeing as how he was already in possession of everything he could possibly need, and more.

“I already have too many video games to play, too many books to read, and I’m still catching up on all the television shows I’ve missed!” Brad shouted while his parents looked on from the other room. “It’s honestly overwhelming the amount of cool shit I have to decide between whenever I have some free time from the awesome job that I love.”

Brad had said something similar two years prior. But that Christmas, he had come downstairs to find…a brand new iPad Mini.

“I was astonished,” Brad said, with a whimsical look in his eye. “Here was a gift I never even knew existed, but it was something I desperately needed. They definitely hit a home-run in 2013.”

But 2015 turned out to be a different story.

“We should have gotten him nothing like he asked for, the ungrateful bastard!” Tim Lipan remarked solemnly. “We went out of our way to pick out the best Black Friday deals, getting up at 3am in the morning just to try and please him. We even asked his girlfriend of five years if he had mentioned anything, and what size clothes he wears, anything to try and get him that perfect Christmas gift, the one he would remember for the rest of his life. And yet we still fail as parents.”

Tina Younkins, Brad’s longtime girlfriend, had this to say in a private statement:

“Brad is just hard-headed, you know? He gets these ridiculous expectations in his mind, and no one else knows what he is thinking, so we can never please him. I told myself years ago to just take everything he says literally; when he said no gifts this year, he ended up with no gifts. You should have seen the way he held back the resentment in his eyes, but hey, that’s what he asked for.”

“It’s just…I’m not even a big STAR WARS fan!” Brad continued, without being asked. “Why would they get me this remote control BB-8 droid; what 35 year old man can really enjoy that? And what about these; socks? I mean, that’s a joke, right? I mean, yes, I needed new socks, but not for Christmas!”

Brad proceeded to whine hysterically into his new tailored suit (“How many occasions am I even going to need this??”), his parents looked on in silence.

“When I said I wanted nothing for Christmas, I meant it as ‘There’s nothing I can THINK OF, so, find something unique and awesome that I have never heard of, and buy that.’ What’s so hard about that?”

Tim and Jamie look forward to purchasing gifts for next year, but just hope that Apple has something big to be revealed, otherwise it might be “another year of depression for little Brad.”

T.M. Scholtes

The Annual’s Last Minute Christmas Wish List

Hey, we hope you remembered to snag a gift for the stone cold pack of weirdos running your third favorite web-based humor publication. If not, here are some last minute ideas:

  • Paper and pencil to write the list.
  • To not hear the word Trump for 48 hours total
  • Left shark onesie pajamas
  • Amnesty for late gifts on our end
  • Time to watch Making A Murderer
  • Star Wars Episode VIII
  • A Rosetta Stone for Yiddish
  • To witness someone shart at a holiday party and have them look at me so they know I know
  • One gold bar (they never go down in value)
  • More battery on my phone before it

Kevin ColeBriana Haynie, Andrew Michaels, T.M. Scholtes

 

Last Minute Gifts for Your Loved Ones

Here at The Annual we understand the struggle of gift shopping. It’s nearly Christmas eve and you just remembered that second cousin you never bought a gift for. To make matters worse, this is the one year they’re actually flying in from Minnesota in time for Christmas. Luckily, we have comprised the following list of last minute gift ideas for the cousin, great-grandma, or the racist uncle you might have forgotten.

That disappointing book you’ve had on your shelf for 2+ years.

While books can be a kind and thoughtful gift, they’re a lot less so when it’s less about which authors would pique your sister’s interests and more about the fact that you have to have something to hand her on Christmas Eve. Go ahead and grab that dust-coated, crease-ridden copy of Twilight and toss it in a bag! Lisa may not be much of an avid reader but who gives a shit! One down, five to go!

Rare dinosaur fossils

Okay, not a real dinosaur fossil. Look around your parents house or your grandpa’s toolshed, you’re bound to find a large rock. Take the rock and a good chisel (surely your relatives have a half-decent one somewhere) and carve a footprint onto the rock. Once you are satisfied with your homemade dinosaur print, google “Dinosaur Fossil Certificate of Authenticity” and print out the first image that shows up. Done and done.

That unwatched copy of
Rudolf The Rednosed Reindeer

This DVD sits on your shelf for 11 months out of the year and even when Christmas time rolls around, you only watch it on ABC family. There’s technically no reason for you to own the movie, so why not gift it? It’s a great way to say “I’m keenly aware of the holiday we are about to celebrate.”

A new pair of leggings

Well, not new-new. Okay, okay, they’re the ones you bought for $10 on Black Friday. But you only wore them once; they were a little tight in the thighs and while I respect your bold attempt to try something new, plum really isn’t your color. Instead of returning them (will Macy’s take these back if the the tags have been ripped off?), just gift them! Your sister can probably pull them off and if not, she can return them. I’m sure they’ll take them back without a problem or whatever!

Sunglasses

Sunglasses seem like such a summer thing, but the sun still comes out in the winter. If it ain’t snowing you’re still getting blinded as sun sets during your mid-afternoon drive home from work. Could you be any more thoughtful?

A hamster

If you’re buying a gift now you probably don’t care too much for this person so let’s be upfront and say, you don’t need to purchase an actual hamster. Hamsters and mice are very similar and every pet store is bound to have a surplus of cheap mice listed as “feeder mice.” These mice are meant to be sold as snake food, but trust a former pet store employee, aside from the $3 price increase, there’s no difference between that and a pet mouse. Pick a nice fat feeder mouse and no one will doubt it’s a hamster.

Offer to pay for lunch

You’re only in town for a few days, people want to spend time with you but you’ve also got a group of high school pals to catch up with and Jessica is only available on Saturday. Pick a nice restaurant, a nice chain restaurant (most likely Olive Garden), and offer to take a select group of relatives with you. It’s pricier than most gifts but it’ll save the stress that compelled you to google “Last Minute Gifts” in the first place. You can even save a few bucks by filling up on breadsticks before it’s time to order.

A framed family photo

If you’re in a real pinch, pull up your Aunt’s facebook and find the most recent family photo shared on her page. Download that noise, make it black & white, download a 30-day free trial of Photoshop, add a nice brush filter to it and send that shit over to Walgreens. Make sure you get a glossy finish. Then head to Michaels for their perpetual 40% off picture frame sale for the ultimate Holiday Gift mic-drop.

A gift card

If books, pants, and pets are not at your immediate, last-minute disposal, then fret not. For god’s sakes, get them a gift card. Yeah, sure, it’s a cop-out. It’s cutting corners. But everybody likes things. And gift cards buy things!!!

Just remember the golden rule of gift-giving: The receiver is generally required to smile and act appreciative of your gift whether they sincerely liked it or not.

Kevin Cole & Christine McQuaid

The Greatest SERIAL Recap: The Golden Chicken

Episode two of SERIAL kicks off with some pretty big news, Bergdahl is set to be court martialed. It’s the point of the episode, but it’s news. This episode is about the side of a story we rarely hear from, The Taliban.

Somehow or another, Sarah Koenig is able to interview a Taliban soldier, she keeps his identity hidden because she’s a classy gal. I imagine that must have been quite the negotiation: “Hi, I run a very popular podcast, I know you’re a member of a terrorist cell, but I can I talk to you?” “Sure! I love SERIAL! Just be sure to change my name like you did with Cathy, Jay’s friend from season one.” “No problem George [Bush].” Now, I’m not insinuating that George Bush is behind the Bowe Bergdahl kidnapping, but that would make a hell of a third episode if it did.

We learn that Bowe wandered off into Taliban territory and boy did the Taliban hit the jackpot! To explain the name of the episode, Bergdahl was a “Golden Chicken” probably the terrorist equivalent to a goose that lays golden eggs, I’m not sure what good a solid gold chicken would do otherwise. I guess we can’t expect the Taliban to understand western culture.

Oh shit, do you think the guy Koenig interviewed reads these recaps? Googles himself? Let’s call him George Bush just to give him a name, because at this point I’m already 19:22 into the episode and I’m not rewinding it to find out what fake terrorist name Koenig gave him in the beginning. Anyway, do you think he might read this and get upset about that western culture comment?

They moved Bowe eastward and Koenig (years later) was able to talk to George Bush via a burner phone (smart move, but an awful lot of work for a guest appearance on a podcast, you don’t hear about Maron’s dad buying a burn phone to talk to him).

George Bush’s convoy came within one kilometer of Bowe’s former base. They had spent so much time disguising themselves that no one could recognize them, Groucho Marx glasses over thick beards I presume. American armed forces immediately began a campaign find Bergdahl, handing out fliers threatening to hunt down whoever had him. This is a small threat for the Taliban who have been hunted for the last 14 years, business as usual.

Bergdahl was labeled a guest, he would be treated with respect, not to be beaten or killed by Taliban soldiers like George Bush. Meanwhile, Bowe’s fellow soldiers had come to hate him with a violent passion. He had been impossible to find and the military spent months exhausting their researches to find him, pulling countless battalions into the search. Everyone wanted him.

The golden chicken. My family’s doing a white elephant gift exchange again this year, I need a golden chicken. I’m great with specialized gifts, but I’ve never been good as a mainstream gift giver. Maybe if I kidnapped a puppy or something. Everyone loves puppies. They probably wouldn’t even ask where it came from.

Eventually the Taliban starts to play games with the military, setting traps.

Games. I know a guy who worked on Fallout 4… maybe an autographed copy of that? That could be a hit. Although, if Grandma got Fallout 4 it would likely end up in the DVD player failing to load. Plus, how am I to know what gaming platforms my relatives have when I see them once a year. Guess that’s out the window. Ugh. Even a literal golden chicken is bound to exceed the price cap.

Maybe there’s a jumbo Where’s Waldo collection. People love Serial, it’s pretty interesting to hear about how the military didn’t sleep while searching for Bergdahl. I could always get the book, find Waldo and then tape pictures of Bowe Bergdahl over his face. Nah, too niche.

Bowe began to feel remorseful as he realized how much resources were spent searching for him, which I get, no one wants a bad gift. Eventually, the battalion’s Executive Officer, Major Larry Glasscock went on leave…

Wait. Glasscock. Now there’s an idea.

The army spends a year hunting for Bergdahl and after all that work, the Taliban releases their first hostage video. That’s where they leave us. I don’t see why SERIAL should stop for Christmas, so look for the next installment of The Greatest SERIAL Recap next Friday.

Kevin Cole

 

Aunt Linda’s Christmas Wish

To my beloved sister,

As I’m sure you know, the holiday season is upon us and I typically don’t ask for much but there’s only one thing on my list this year: The newest issue of PAPER Magazine. This publication covers so many facets of the entertainment industry that I feel it will really help me connect with my nieces this year. If you could send me a copy before Christmas that would really help. That way I can get caught up on everything DJ Mazurbate and Carla Deleplane are up to before Midnight Mass.

The holidays have been particularly tough time for me since Muffins (God bless her soul) went to the little kitty can in the sky. I often lay awake at night wishing for a warm embrace, someone to rest their head on my lap—I know this is awfully personal but if I can’t be open with my own sister, who can I talk to? Anyway, this particular issue of PAPER Magazine features an interview with John Stamos and I found him oh-so charming on Full House. They say he’s coming back as Uncle Jesse and I simply must have the scoop. PAPER Magazine even did a photoshoot with him and truth be told the results are a little racey.

It’s not that I am asking for the magazine solely for this article but I have to know if there are more images in print than PAPER has to offer on their website. Perhaps a better glimpse at the dark side of the “New Moon of John Stamos.” Oh, I always knew he was a bad boy! Remember when we would watch Full House the dorm’s common room? I always fantasized about having a motorcycle riding Uncle Jesse of my own to bring home to the family. My home printer is broken and I’m no longer permitted to use the one at the library but I simply must be able to gaze at those piping hot-crossed-buns before I go to bed. Of course, I’m far too embarrassed to buy the issue myself, what if he found out? Would he think less of me?

All I ask this Christmas is that you forward the issue to my apartment with nothing more said than a simple “you got it, dude!”

Love,
Linda