For three months the mighty Hiddleswift reigned supreme, and with it, it brought a white hot passion that would leave lasting effects on the environment. While many of us mortals believed the sun was violently inflicting 100 degree days upon us, the cause of the 2016 heatwave stemmed from the love given off by the Hiddleswift. Many remember the fateful day when the creature was first spotted on a secluded beach in Maine, only to disappear for the months to follow.
According to the ancient scrolls passed from Justin to Kelly, it is likely that the Hiddleswift built a lovenest for itself deep in the Pocono Mountains. There, it basked in its own existence, radiating an incredible warmth that is said to have accelerated the melting of the Poles. All summer, meteorologists unfamiliar with the legend of the Hiddleswift complained of a great heat, but it was merely the cold in their own hearts in comparison to the unstoppable love felt by the Hiddleswift.
All of this changed yesterday, when, without explanation or warning, the mighty Hiddleswift fell. Some believe it was done in by its own hubris, a love that burned so bright that after a short period it simply went cold. Cynics will be quick to tell you the Hiddleswift went into hiding because it was never really the pure creature we made it out to be–perhaps nothing more than a ploy for a secret music video. One thing is for certain: Right now, soothsayers are predicting a vortex of cold that will cover the land, more so than ever before. For as the Hiddleswift ended its love, it took the world’s warmth with it. It is believed that in the coming months the temperature surrounding that infamous Maine beach will steadily drop. Soon the hillsides will be covered in snow and ice, and we will have no choice but look up to the sky and curse the fallen Hiddleswift for abandoning us.
I don’t think you comprehend exactly how cold it is in Washington D.C. Last weekend, the metropolitan region welcomed sub-zero temperatures. This may not seem momentous for residents of northern territories, but it’s detrimental to the poorly hidden tunnel at the base of the Washington Monument that leads straight to hell.
President William Howard Taft engineered the hellhole in 1910. Taft believed tossing children into the depths of hell would help him lose weight, but as with most demonic deals, I added a catch-22. Taft gained such an appetite after sacrificing those kids, he ate twice their weight the following evening. Don’t make deals with the Devil in Washington. Tea Partiers and gun rights activists can’t comprehend this basic rule, but it keeps me well-stocked with edible children, so I can’t complain.
What I will complain about is this godawful cold. My flames have all gone out, and the rivers of blood have turned to ice. That’s right: Hell has frozen over. You people don’t understand what this means. Every time someone says they’ll do something “when hell freezes over,” it goes on a list. Now that the prophecy has been fulfilled, I have to see that each and every single one of those promises comes true.
“When hell freezes over” has become such an overused cliche. I’ve really got my work cut out for me, especially considering the Satanic bylaws: “Every hell-freezes-over promise must occur simultaneously.” This means Tammy’s finally going to go on a date with Frederick, but it will have to happen while he’s eating out his wife’s ass. Most Republicans will get gay-married to their college roommates, while the Democrats will cause irreversible damage to the environment. That stupid phrase has created so much work for me that I’ll need to enlist the help of my hell-hogs, and I think we all know that hell-hogs are capable of flight. I’ll have an even longer list of ultimatums for old people and prudes who are afraid to say “hell” and gambled, in ignorance, on porcine proclivities.
I love chaos as much as the next demon, but this is too much. Jesus Christ, I hope you used some stupid cliche with regard to the second coming.