The Last Hurrah makes its somewhat anticipated return to the Maryland Ensemble Theatre on Sunday January 29th, so this week we bring on a new element of the podcast… Welcome to writer’s night (or a small portion of it). As we build each show, with more intensity than ever before, we will be sharing a 30 minute glimpse into The Last Hurrah’s Writer’s Night so you can see how we put a show together, tear it apart, and somehow manage to put it together again before the show goes up at the end of the month!
On New Years Eve, pop sensation Mariah Carey was the last to fall victim to the curse of 2016. Live on Ryan Seacrest’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Mariah suffered the career embarrassment to end all career embarrassments. You can watch the clip below:
As truly embarrassing as this is for Mariah–who claims she was set up as part of a publicity stunt by Dick Clark Productions to boost ratings for what is probably the most-watched New Years Special– you should not give a shit about it. Here’s why…
You’re not Mariah Carey, and what on God’s green earth makes you think you are? Who are you, anyway? You have some gall to question the Goddess that is Mariah Carey. “Shit happens” as she said, but even the good shit you experience will be but a fraction of the best shit that Mariah enjoys on a daily basis. After all, she is Mariah and you are… who did you say you were? Steve?
But let’s not forget the most important reason that you shouldn’t give a shit about Mariah’s New Year’s performance…
DONALD TRUMP IS ABOUT TO BECOME THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT.
In almost two weeks, Donald Trump, the fucking “you’re fired” guy, is going to be the leader of the free world. And maybe you’ve been too upset about Mariah to notice that Mayor McCheese has stuffed his cabinet full of white supremacists and straight-up Nazis!
To make matters worse, Congressional Republicans just held a secret vote to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics, but then pulled the measure because the Supreme Leader essentially said “Woah, woah, not so fast guys! Let’s bury the lead a bit on ethics, take care of that in week two. We have to focus on OBAMACARE!”
Speaking of which, if PRESIDENT TRUMP guts Obamacare, you’ll be begging for Mariah to fuck up as badly as she did on New Years because LAUGHTER IS THE ONLY MEDICINE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD.
So maybe cut the queen some slack, kiddos! Because in six months your president will be lip syncing poorly to Putin’s greatest hits in order to avoid another Cold War.
Let’s be blunt, no one wants to begin 2017 by remembering 2016. But those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, and you don’t want to kill the Great Barrier Reef AGAIN!
While the most important moment of 2016 is yet to be written, the fact that women with unshaven body parts are everywhere is something that should undoubtedly exploited. Sure, as a boy, I’ve been accustomed to the shaven side of most well-judged women. Mom had mention that French women never shaved under their armpits, which horrified me as a young lad, since it had been known to me that only uncivilized ladies would do that sort of thing. Of course, my first visual introduction to armpit fuzz was in a Playboy edition of an iconic hairy Madonna from early naked depictions, which nearly, kind of appalled me. However, the truth is, women in 2016 are unapologetic and proudly growing hair in all its natural delight. An undisputed marvel that has been demonstrated to me in 2016. What will the following year reveal for the contemporary woman, I dare ask?
2016 was hard for everyone, particularly those opposed to the rise of fascism and celebrity deaths. Here are some highlights to remind us that in every tire fire, there are one or two tires that have yet to burn.
Largely overshadowed by the Super Bowl, who could forget the moment when Ryan Gosling was followed home by a flock of baby geese. Marching down Los Feliz, single file, these hatchlings were quick to accept Ryan Gosling, a man with little to no bird like features, as their father. Even better, Ryan Gosling came to love these birds as his own, despite the fact that for him, fathering geese meant sharing a snifter of Brandy with them while watching Crazy Stupid Love on pay-per-view. He even mailed a baby Goose to Rachel McAdams who would in turn dump it on True Detective co-star Colin Ferrell.
The Little Engine That Did
It’s a frightening sight when a train derails, to make matters worse, fatalities are often high so it’s strange that no news outlets covered the derailment of the Amtrak 460 in rural Ohio. Perhaps the lack of coverage was due to the miraculous work of conductor Frank Tamlan who managed to rerail the commuter train after barreling into a corn field. Clint Eastwood praised him as a modern day Sully and quipped that he would have made a film about the rerailing (an event that lasted at least 45 minutes) had Tamlan not been wearing a Hillary Clinton lapel pin.
Cricket comes to America
For a week following the 2016 Olympic Games, cricket was the hottest sport in America and just a quickly as it came, it disappeared. No members of the now defunct American Cricket Committee were willing to explain what happened to the sport, making it more baffling that almost every American family now owns a cricket bat. It’s an anomaly we haven’t seen in the states since Croquet-mania took over in the mid sixties.
Honestly, that’s it. This year was a hell scape, but the good news is that there’s no way 2017 could possibly worse! Haha, right!?
This week, The Annual offered Annual reader Chuck Moulder, retired community college professor, Rolling Stone subscriber and armchair musicologist, the opportunity to choose our The Christmas Song of the Week. We caught up with Chuck in his Frederick, Maryland home to listen to, and discuss his choice.
The Annual (Bill Shy): Chuck, I see you are in your armchair next to the Christmas tree-
Chuck Moulder: Yep. Got a Christmas beer here.
TA: Looks like part of a seasonal six pack, Chuck.
CM: Everybody gives ‘em to me. Holiday booze sets. My current wife. The kids. The neighbors. Friends. That one is Linda, my lovely wife’s present to me. The whiskey miniatures are Jude, my oldest. The stouts are Martha, my dear youngest. Rita and Michelle went in on the Sam Adams twinpack.
TA: Is everyone home for the holidays?
CM: Oh they’re doing their own thing.
TA: I see you have a beer in each hand.
CM: I’m ready. Shoot.
TA: Chuck, what Christmas Song would you like to select for The Annual’s Christmas Song of the Week?
CM: Let’s take it one line at a time.
TA: Oh. No, you can just-
CM:The moon is right!
TA: Ah, Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful-
CM:The moon is right!… Have you ever seen the moon, Bill?
TA: Well, yes, but-
CM:The moon is right! The question is: Is there a better first line to a Christmas song? The answer is: No. You don’t think of the sun at Christmastime, do you?
TA: Can’t say that I-
CM: The moon. Mother Mary’s womb. The halo of the Christchild like the very prenumbra of our lunar friend. The. Moon. Egg-like, a subtle reference to Paul’s relationship with the Eggman, John Lennon. Am I wrong?
CM: The moon is right!
TA: I’m worried, Chuck, a little concerned, that this interview is going to exceed my word limit if you go through the whole-
CM:The spirits up!
TA: If you go through line by-
CM: Don’t crowd me. I’m rolling here. I’m vibing on this, here, okay? Do you know the term ‘vibing’?
CM:The spirits up.Concise. Eloquent. A story in one line. Pure Paul. Good ol’ Paul, right there. Is it secular? Is it religious, this spirit? Yes and yes.
CM: We’re here tonight!
TA: I’ll put it on. I’ve got it on my phone-
CM: Not yet! We’re here tonight, Bill. You and me and Christmas. The wife? No. What’s she doin’? Something. Where are the kids? They’re grown, but they don’t call. We’re here tonight!
CM: McCartney’s Christmas is everyone’s Christmas. The kids practicing some crap all year long, you don’t know what it is. They don’t know what it means. Ding dong! Doesn’t matter. It’s just that feeling, y’know? Y’know, the feeling? It’s indistinct. It’s simple.
CM:HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME!
TA: Right, right. So, for you, this song distills what your Christmas is all about into-
CM: Oh Bill. Bill, Bill, Bill. Let’s go deep.
CM: Paul and I, I feel like I can call him Paul, y’know? Paul and I go way back.
TA: When was the first time you heard-
CM: It’s more than that Bill. Paul McCartney and I share so…so much.
TA: You haven’t actually…? Have you met-
CM: Have you had a one-legged woman break your heart and steal your money?
CM: Paul and I have. Mm, mm, mm. Paul and I have. Second wives man. We’re just simple men. SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME! Then, she’s young, she has your kid; it’s better without that extra woman leg crowding the bed, am I right? Then: POW!
TA: Wait, what?
CM: Heather Mills and my second ex, Millie Herzberg! Let it wash over you. The haze. The Christmastime. What is it about? You can’t know. Lift a glass. Don’t look down. It’s good, you’ve gotta keep it light and hazy. That’s the best way to Chriss’miss [sic]. You’re alone. The choir of kids, where are they? Jingle them bells and don’t look down. LIFT A GLASS!
President-elect Trump may have invented the perfect to word describe what he’ll be up to for the next four years. Get a shirtof your own and wear it to his inauguration or every time he does something “unpresidented” … which will likely be every day, so you better buy a few.