Tag Archives: Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker

Completely Serious Advice With Sam Walker #6

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Question 1:
I’m in college right now, and I don’t live far enough off-campus to warrant catching the bus. At the same time, it’s a pretty lengthy and boring walk. Have any suggestion that could make this better?

Game time! Just because you are in big boy school now doesn’t mean that you still can’t let your imagination run wild to eradicate the boring out of a situation.

  • Quick question: How do you feel about mysterious, heartfelt blues music and classic detectives? If you answered anything other than yes or have any feelings of uncertainty, prepare to be jazzed. You are going to procure a bunch of blues music, load it on to a mobile player, and blast it to set that smoking alley feel. Now, start your walk. Remember that you solve cases now, and the Don wants your head after you schmoozed his main squeeze on your last job. The Don is a dick, the kind of guy who puts hits out on schmucks unfortunate enough to make that kind of mistake. So now you have every two-bit headhunter in this bottom-shelf city hot on your heels. Keep your internal monologue strong, and try to react to your surroundings in character. Have fun playing pretend and freaking out fellow pedestrians!
  • Ready for some metal gear action? Make it to school every day without being seen. Bring a Nerf gun or something, because you’ll have to hunt down anyone unfortunate enough to see you and blast ’em up. Sure, you may be late all the time, but you’ll be so sneaky! You could say you were in the class five minutes early; the shadows merely didn’t want your presence known.
  • Break out a marathon runner outfit, cover yourself in water, and sprint madly into campus. See if and how people try to jump out of your way. Occasionally shout out something like “It’s for charity!” to see if people pay more attention.
  • Try to notice if anyone walks the same way you do. If such a person exists, choose a random day and pretend she/he is chasing you. Make it seem like a matter of life or death. Just look back, make eye contact, scream and run. Because you know the path they will take, stop sprinting when you get out of line of sight, and act like you are catching your breath. This lets you repeat the same surprised scramble to your heart’s content.
  • Hire a small band to follow you to class in the morning. Personally, I’d have the band write a theme song—your morning is just the intro to your life/sitcom!

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Question 2
This government has just completely lost me. I’m done with everything, and I want to get off the grid completely. Please tell me you know how this would work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stranger, pump those breaks! It’s not like I can at all locate and leave a message for you, buried under the third spruce tree located to the left of the grill facing your house that may or may not be something akin to a starter kit and further instructions. I mean c’mon, that’s just borderline rude.

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Question 3
My girlfriend and I stumbled into a bit of an unplanned pregnancy. I have to tell my parents pretty soon, but I have no idea how to go about this. Any thoughts?

Any thoughts? Try ALL of the thoughts ( and by “ALL,” I mean two).

Option 1: Tell your parents you’ve decided to devote your life to achieving a scientific breakthrough. Next, let them know the area you intend to study is human cloning. If they are unimpressed, tell them they should be, because, y’ know, cloning. Make up some story about getting a grant or some sort of investor, so that money won’t be a problem.
Construct a large container for your girlfriend to stand in for the duration of the pregnancy—the “spawning pod.” Your parents can’t know your pregnant girlfriend is inside. That would ruin everything. Buy a voice modifier for your girlfriend, and voila! You have instant A.I. Throw in an arsenal of blue lights. Hollywood has conditioned us to associate blue lights with “the future.”
Now that you’ve laid the groundwork, brew nine months’ worth of coffee and develop a supervillain-like obsession with your scheme. Again, Hollywood lends its aid. Any movie about cloning has the government-associated adversary whose job is to capture and destroy successful cloning subjects. After the baby is born, tell your parents that the American government will allow the clone to live on one condition: you must look after it and never let its true nature be known to anyone else.  All you have to do is lie to your child about his/her origins until the end of your days, and with hardly any effort or adverse effects worth mentioning, you have the hardest part of fatherhood miles behind you.

Option 2: Plead ignorance. Blame your parents—they were too busy watching Law & Order SVU marathons to have “the talk” with you. Combine with a vastly lacking health education class at dangerously underfunded high school (for the purposes of this option), and claim you are just an unfortunate victim of a 1920s-level understanding of the human reproduction system. Just break it to your parents that, as far as you knew, the stork was totally a thing.
To avoid lifelong ridicule, you will have to demonstrate near perfect levels of cunning to explain how all of this could be just a mild misunderstanding. With enough key phrases however, I do feel this could be possible. You could potentially explain away reckless abandon as misguided scientific belief—in other words, this is the Holy Grail of the “my bad” situation.
First off, start learning basic information about the migratory patterns of large birds over the course of a year. If you do this, you can use the phrase “migratory patterns” accurately, which makes you sound amazingly more knowledgeable about your mess up, because who just casually drops migratory patterns down in regular conversation? Next, start memorizing unrelated facts about the mating rituals of random birds and use them in out-of-place conversations about the release of pheromones. Convince the average person that human and avian cross-pheromone-simultaneous reproductive activation could totally be a thing. After fabricating enough evidence, say that there was no flock overhead, so you didn’t think your girlfriend’s ovaries were primed.

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Well, I hope this has helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions you need advice on? E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

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Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker #5

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Question 1:

I am about to head off to college. I have always heard that it’s completely different from high school, and I don’t know what I should expect. What can I do to help myself, both academically and socially?
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College coming-of-age romps are a cornerstone of American cinema. If this genre has taught us anything, it is that starting out college not knowing what to do in college is basically the best way you can enter college. You have become a protagonist without even knowing it! Luckily for you, I have quite a bit of experience with these sorts of things, so let me throw out some scenarios to watch out for.
Maybe you see an amazingly attractive woman on the quad or whatever place you crazy kids use to avoid class these days. Try to introduce yourself to her. If this seems hard and is entirely out of character, you are in luck! Anyway, if when you are trying to talk to her a giant douche-machine appears out of nowhere, calls you something really uncreative, then puts his arm around her as they walk away, have yourself a little party, because you are going to end up with her. No Neanderthal ambush? No worries, the other way this can work is running into her at some sort of group function, and then he acts like a dick. Both are quite plausible.
If someone approaches you with an idea for something, do it. These days, all the college film focus is on offbeat ideas some obscure group hatch and become super rich. Not some kind of genius? Latch on to someone who is and ride some coattails!
Perhaps you find yourself interested in a frat, but don’t think you’re “cool” enough to get in.  Just make your own frat! It matters not if you are a nerd or some kind of social outcast, because there are a bunch more people like that surrounding you. This may seem daunting, and it may incur the wrath of those preexisting brotherhoods, but this is exactly what you want. If they come after you, who do you think the public will side with, a group of people just trying to have fun and avoid loner status, or a bunch of salty, entitled social terrorists?
So as you can see, you have a bright future ahead of you. Even if none of these things happen to work out, you could always get an office job and then be wrangled into some sort of odd made-up thing that ultimately allows you to have the college experience you have always wanted. No matter what, just don’t become a creepy stalker that makes hair dolls from their prey. Looking at you, Jason Schwartzman.
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Question 2:

So I was out at a bar a week ago, and I ended up bringing a guy home with me. Admittedly, I had a pretty good time, so I gave him my number. I told him upfront I wasn’t interested in dating. The thing is, he won’t stop texting me, and he is getting far too attached—even texting me that he is having these weird dreams about me. Needless to say, I haven’t seen him again. I brought him to my place, though, so he knows where I live, and I have seen him around my place. It’s starting to freak me out, and I don’t know how to get him to stop.
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The old “I think I am in love with you and am having dreams about you” situation, eh? There is only one truly effective manner to deal with this, and that is to fight crazy with crazy. I particularly like this one a whole bunch, so I’ll throw a few base ideas your way.
If he is watching you, you can always give him a show. What comes to mind will require some errands. First, go to the store and pick up corn syrup, red, blue, and green dye, and some flour. Buy a whole bunch of red candles as well. Next, go to a local costume store (if there’s not one around, there are tons of sewing tutorials online), and buy some red robes with hoods (4-6 should do). Call in a few favors to get some people to your place so they can fill the robes. Last, and probably the hardest one to acquire, is a goat. I don’t know if there is a rental place for goats around you, but I have faith in you. You’ll get one. Oh, and a tranquilizer gun. That will be key.

Wait until nightfall, and invite your accomplices over. When you know he’s watching, start making it look like you and your buddies are having a casual get-together. Maybe throw on some music, get some drinks going, the usual bullshit. Once you have things feeling regular, walk over to the stereo and dramatically turn it off. Loudly proclaim, “It is time!” or something like that. Have your buddies don the robes and make a circle around a low table, which you will cover with the candles (it’s key to leave a large open space in the middle). Lead the goat in to the center of the circle to a nice layer of background chanting.

Obstruct view of the goat and pull out the good ole’ tranq. Now, PETA may get mad about this, but it’s just a tranq, everyone sleeps, cool your jets. Put the goat to sleep, and place it on the table. Pull out your handy bowl of fake blood (which you make with the ingredients I mentioned), hand it to a select friend, disrobe and kneel. It’s important that you are naked. If you feel weird about it, he has already seen you naked, so that’s stupid. Plus, showing your naked body to people in a circle really helps sell this as real to an onlooker. Have your chosen acolyte pour the blood over your head, arise and scream, “The ritual is complete!”
Presto! Stalker gone! At least he should be. I will admit, this strategy is a double-edged sword. If he is just crazy, he will run. If he is super crazy, however, you may now very well be his dream girl. Guess you’re just going to have to roll the dice on this one.
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Question 3:

I am starting to date this girl and I want to take her out, and I’m looking for exciting, unique things to do. I’ve been going through the possibilities in my head over and over, but I keep coming up short. Any suggestions?
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Keeping things new and exciting is key to making sure your significant other doesn’t run off with some random Portuguese dude. I have a few ideas I have been storing for a rainy day:

  1. Write a puppet play, make puppets, and perform the puppet play for her. Go with some kind of puppet rom-com, except the further this play goes, the more will transition into puppet erotica. She will never see it coming, because no one sees that coming. It’s a perfect transition into something a lot more intense, and worst-case scenario, she will remember you forever. You know, on account of the puppet erotica.
  2. Inform her you rented two unicycles for a ride around town. Don’t worry if you didn’t actually get the unicycles, because she is going to say no. No one unicycles. The bonus is she will think it was sweet you tried, and you don’t have to do anything!
  3. Tell her you aren’t a sexist and that you are offended that it should fall to the man to make the plans. Also, throw in that such actions would only further perpetuate the male-dominated media.
  4. Take her out to a bar. Make sure she looks really nice. Buy a small transceiver and attach it somewhere on her person so you can hear from a distance. Instruct her to stand alone at the bar, and encourage a sultry expression. Whenever a man walks up and asks her if he could get her a drink, she will say yes. Once she has it sprint up and grab the drink, and issue a staccato “Psych!” It both gets you free drinks, and delivers a hilarious moment to savor. It even boosts your girlfriend’s self-esteem. Probably.
  5. Go out and grab yourself a pair of gas masks (or some other device that may help to prevent airborne particles take hold in your body), and tell her to prepare for a spelunking trip. The twist is, you are actually going to take her into the sewers. That’ll show her for unconsciously placing this much pressure on you by dating you just like you wanted!

So there you go, five golden ideas that could never go wrong ever. Most likely.
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Well, I hope this has helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions you need advice on?
E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

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Completely Serious Advice With Sam Walker #4

Question #1:

There is a squirrel in my attic, and he as been there for two weeks so far. I can’t find him when I go to the attic, I have no idea how he is getting in, and I can’t sleep much at night because he is always loud. How do I get rid of this horrible squirrel?

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Answer:

Straight up, I don’t know too much about squirrels, so bear with me. Before this goes any further, yeah, you could call pest control, but that would be taking the coward’s way out. Who wants to admit that they were shamed into cowardice by a squirrel? Drop that phone.

You should first try to find out what type of squirrel calls your attic home. I would guess you’re dealing with an Eastern Gray Squirrel. They are fairly common in most of the United States, favoring the backyards of houses as a foraging ground, for relative ease and a lower predator presence. These squirrels have been known to set up nests (known as a “drey” in the scientific community) and forage in a localized area around the “home base.” These specific squirrels are also extremely fond of hiding things, which leads to exploration—resulting in your current predicament. Seeing as the squirrel has been in the attic for two weeks and your every search attempt ends in failure, I think it’s accurate to say the squirrel knows more hiding spots than you do.

Honestly, there isn’t much you can do in this situation, if you rely on conventional methods. No, this squirrel is too smart, too resourceful. There is only one way out now: Raise and train another squirrel to be a one-critter war machine, whose sole purpose is the elimination of its own kind, should they invade your lands.

Are you ready to raise your own little ruthless animal companion that you will manipulate and brainwash into becoming the living embodiment of vengeance on this earthly realm? Sure you are! You’re going to need good stock to start with, which means searching for a very specific type of squirrel. First, let’s look at what you need to beat. The species of squirrel you are dealing with tend to average 380-525mm in total length, with a weight range of 300-713g. Therefore, the best squirrel to choose to defeat your current pest is the fox squirrel, with a total length anywhere between 40-75cm, and an average weight range of 500-1000g, so it has nothing but advantages. Lucky for you, the fox squirrel is found in the same areas as your current suspected perpetrator, so let the hunt begin!

Start your search by looking for freshly hatched squirrels (“hatched” isn’t the most accurate term, but it sounds cooler for the birth of your avenger, who is part Stuart Little and part Batman). You will need to find a suitably sizable young one and kill both of its parents, leaving hairs of the gray squirrel behind. You will then nurse the baby fox squirrel back to health and find a way to teach it to fight with mini-weapons. I won’t tell you how to train this loose cannon—making you figure out a way to do that is about 46.2 times funnier than if I told you. I will give one hint: Training montages. To the max.

Once you feel he is ready, deploy him to the attic and hear the sweet sounds of justice at last. One important thing I feel I should mention: Do everything in your power to make sure he never learns you killed his parents, because he will become Squirrel Batman. You don’t want any kind of Batman against you. Ever.

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Question #2:

My female friend wants me to wingman her at a bar, but I have only done it for men. I feel it’s a totally different thing, so what do you think I could do to make this work for her?

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Answer:

This great classic friendship-based tactical partnership with a new-age, cross-gender twist? Women are moving up! Personally, I don’t really see the need for a woman to have a wingman. As Confucius once said, “Women can always get laid. Every. Time.” Basically, normal wingman advice would be boring. We’ve all heard it before. Say good things about them; always deflect compliments received to the “topgun” of the situation, blah blah blah. Boring.

Instead, I shall invent a new wingman style for you wonderful conspirators, THAT TIPS THIS GAME ON ITS HEAD! THAT SUCCEEDS IN TURNING THE TABLES WITH NONE THE WISER! THAT…well, basically just does something that’s not terribly original, but original enough to get a name. THE INDY 500! That name totally makes sense, so I don’t want to hear shit about it. This is what it feels like to be a trailblazer!

As we know, most wingman situations are positive in nature, focused on carefully crafted compliments and subtle herding tactics to make the group shift how you want. We are going the go in the complete opposite direction, deep into the lands of the extremely horrid public displays of the utmost negativity. You see, you guys have a unique situation here. One of you is male, while the other is female. You see, with one small visit to pretend land, the prestigious outer-pretend land acting academy, and the far less prestigious pretend land liars guild: this game is yours to win.

What you do is pretend to be an item of at least 3 years, who on this particular day (your “anniversary”), has come into the bar screaming the worst made-up (or legitimate, because pulling punches are for people who pull punches) things you can. Whatever seems more real. The brutality of the breakup should be the main focus, and you my friend should be playing the part of the villain, to give all her “potential suitors” a uniting factor. It will literally be a race…to get from where they were to be closer to her.  They will also probably bunch around her for some protection nonsense, but it will allow her to get a close-up look and really make an informed decision as to what the best choice would be.

So, mission accomplished? Not even a little, Cowboy. The situation that was just created also serves as one of the best extraction set-ups in the world of scheming. Come up with signals. They can be anything you’d like and done via text. One is “Good job! Take the night off!” and the second is “Call me immediately and scream a lot on the phone to make things seem like a real emergency,” so your female partner has an instant get-out-of-an-awkward-mistake card to use. Set a third signal for the next day, which would basically mean they answered incorrectly the night before. I should mention that you can’t enact this scheme very often, or people will catch on. Then, they will probably tar and feather you.

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Question #3:

I recently found out that there is a surprise party being thrown for me. How should I handle this?

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Answer:

Whew! Here I was thinking we could get through one of these without a list, but surprise party with reverse surprise to foil a whole group’s feelings of teamwork and general community togetherness had to show up. I’m totally into that! You think that responding in kind with similar surprise isn’t necessarily the only way to deal with the situation, but it clearly is the most fun for you. What other options allow you to drink in the despair pouring from the recently outdone? Logic shows that a reverse surprise causes an equal or higher amount of surprise. That’s more surprise for everyone, and too many people suffer from a dangerously low level of surprise. It’s just the right thing to do. So about that list…

  1. When they shout surprise, pretend to have a heart attack! Classic! Keep in mind that if this in turn causes an actual heart attack, it is in poor taste to yell out, “Two times heart-breaker combo!” It’s a tragic joke.
  2. Take out your entire life’s savings to hire professional-level movie make-up artists. Give him/her a sealed briefcase loaded with pictures of the underside of a horseshoe crab. Instruct him/her to make a horrifying mask based on the provided reference and to make it in a way that a regular mask could be worn over it and go by unnoticed. This, of course, means you need a mask of your face. On the big day get suited up right before the event and walk in. You will respond with no response. After five seconds start laughing, and build it to full maniacal laugh by 20 seconds. Announce the surprise is on them, rip of your man mask to reveal your…horribly unsettling mask. Chase them around making hissing noises until it bores you, the law steps in or a sweet-looking new show is premiering on TV.
  3. Act sarcastically surprised…if you want to be a dick.
  4. Pick up a fake gun and badge, and don’t be too cheap. When they yell surprise you quick draw your gun and shout, “Freeze! Police!” After this point, you have two options. First, immediately start laughing to allow everyone who reacted to realize that they are, in fact, fools. Or, fake your new sweet undercover life for as long as you can.
  5. Genuinely enjoy the party, and express your gratitude and honor that they would think of you enough to throw such an elaborate event for just one person.

That should be enough for now. I would go with one through four, but that’s just me. I’m just a guy who gives advice.

 

Well, I hope this has helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions you need advice on?

E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com.

This installment of Completely Serious Advice originally appeared in The Annual #4