Tag Archives: Cullen Dolson

Overlooked Back to School Supplies

It’s only human to forget things, but there’s nothing worse than arriving at your first day of school unprepared for classes. Here are some commonly overlooked school supplies compiled by The Annual Staff:

  • Pepper Spray
  • Poop bucket
  • Lice
  • Frozen boogars
  • A seven hundred pound gorilla with a penchant for hugs
  • Dunce Caps
  • Catheters and Colostomy bags.
  • A Netflix account
  • An extra pair of underwear, just in case
  • A three-legged stool to go with the dunce cap
  • Vodka soaked fruit snacks
To the best of my knowledge, each of these items were a forgotten necessity among the following writers:
Parker Benbow | Cullen Dolson | Lily Fryburg | Amber George | Briana Haynie | Steve Younkins
 
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Ep 28 – Live From Shrine Mont Art Camp

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Episode 28 of Marry Me! is now live! Click the picture above to subscribe on itunes.

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Following a long summer hiatus Marry Me is back with their first ever live episode! Over the past year, Kevin, Cullen and Susan have discussed camp on numerous occasions making this a fitting return live from Shrine Mont Art Camp. During the day Kevin and Cullen fielded questions from campers and then put on a live show for that night’s evening program. In the absence of Susan Daughtry, the two were joined by Episcopalian Bishop Susan Goff. Questions answered include: Why did they choose marriage? How do you actually get married? Why can you object at a wedding? Can you fart at a wedding? Can you say no to a proposal? and How do you kiss someone?

Camper names have been changed to protect the innocent (Thanks to James Robin Adams for providing the phony names)

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Special Thanks to Shrine Mont Camps for letting us record this evening program and distribute it online.

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Cullen’s Cabin Itinerary 2014

Fucking Obey It

Day 1

4:00 PM: arrive at the cabin

4:01 PM: make the cabin ritually clean by burning incense, praying, and placing strategic macaroni and cheese idols of Kim Kardashian around the cabin

5:00 PM: collect firewood

6:00 PM: burn it all

7:30 PM: Write a rap about the homoerotic tendencies of sports teams

7:45 PM: Bible Study

8:00 PM: eat lard wrapped in bacon

8:45 PM: host an unfair fight between a toothless brute of a mountain man and the frail Alex Menedez

10:00 PM: Clean up and remove the rabbit from Alex’s bum

11:00 PM: whittling

11:15 PM: take shots of bugspray and tequila

11:16 pm: throw up

11:30 pm: try again

11:33 pm: it works this time!

11:34 pm: Naht…

Day 2

12:00 AM: midnight nude hike

12:30 AM: literally freeze our nuts off and use them as ice cubes

1:00 AM: debate the possibility of a democratic-socialist society in a neoliberal world

1:30 AM: eat shrooms and pretend we are rodents, scavenge for cheese, accidentally eat wyatt’s toes

2:00 AM: Alex ODs

2:10 AM: dispose of his body

3:00 AM: sleeeeeeepy time.

7:00 AM: cabin catches on fire

7:10 AM: pee on it. Problem solved

8:00 AM: Redraft the constitution. Include the right to lion and tiger arms.

8:20 AM: Force feed Connie an unidentifiable carcass. You know, just to see.

8:30 AM: Connie dies. Expected outcome. Hypothesis confirmed. Good job, friends.

9:00 AM: Alex comes back!

9:30 AM: He explains how he was naturally detoxed by a wood nymph named Constantine the Magnificent

10:00 AM: Play capture the flag

10:30:30 AM: Declare war on a neighboring campground

10:30:31 AM: Retract and apologize.

11:30 AM: Decide the weakest member of the group. Encourage them to change using positive, encouraging methods

12:00 PM: methods fail. Beat them about the head and neck with elbows until they change.

3:30 PM: Try Wyatt for war crimes

4:00 PM: Pretend to be babies teething

4:15 PM: Discuss our inabilities to make new friends

4:16 PM: lose interest and throw a crack party

5:30 PM: butt chugging

7:00 PM: cry about our mistakes

7:10 PM: Write and film a PSA about the dangers of wet cats addicted to heroine milk

7:30 PM: create an international crisis

8:30 PM: Visited by Constance the Magnificent who turns out to be Connie who got sent through The Black Hole behind the cabin. She appeared in an alternate dimension in which she trained for 100,230 years under the king of the wood nymphs, The Great Dick Dastardly (no immediately recognizable relation to the well-known and loved cartoon villain). After years of training she returned to the exact moment in time where she encountered the deceased Alex. The rest followed as aforementioned.

10:30 PM: Group poop!

11:00 PM: Analyze a Bach Cantata

11:30 PM: Get fed up with life and leave.

Day 3

12:00 AM: Get lost and wind up in Syria.

12:01 AM: Solve all their problems. You’re welcome, Middle East!

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Budgeting Your Mega Millions Winnings

This article is aimed at the two people out there who won Tuesday night’s Mega Millions Lottery drawing. Now that you have collected your lump sum of 224 million dollars, you’re probably wondering how to spend it. Well, we at The Annual have put together a handy breakdown of exactly how to spend that unnecessary wealth.

  • Fucking taxes – $25,000,000
  • A lifetime supply of Cheese Ball Barrels – $500,000
  • A brand new car! – $20,000
  • An unnecessary amount of dildos – $500
  • Retire and Open a Puffin Ranch Bed and Breakfast: You raise puffins and your guests take them out for walks as part of the attraction. Also, you only serve Puffin Cereal. – $2,300,000
  • Get your head carved into Mt. Rushmore – $23.00 max.
  • Buy the White House – $4,400,000
  • Buy the Green House – $220,000
  • Holy shit! The first 25 didn’t cover taxes!? Okay, well this should do the trick. – $25,000,000
  • “Mid-Life Crisis” novelty piggy bank – $3
  • Mid-life crisis funds (to be divided between the costs of a new car, a divorce, and a marriage to a younger hotter wife) – $100,000
  • Spend the day AS President Obama or as one of his kids (your choice). But not Michelle, she’s off limits. $2,000 of it goes to buying identical shoes to walk in all day. Day includes s/he staying at your house while you do his/her job (or go to school), including making decisions that could help or destroy people’s lives. Perks are sleeping in his/her bed, playing with his/her dog, calling Michelle your wife or mom. *Discretion is advised when choosing who to be for the day.* –$50,000,000
  • Getting every Muppet tattooed on your back (if that seems overpriced, it’s because I’m going to a fancy place. They feed you pizza to dull the pain). – $5,000
  • A pet monkey just like the one Justin Bieber has. – $15,000
  • A seat next to Justin Bieber on the Virgin Galactic. – $250,000
  • Purchasing Little Ragged Island (via privateislandsonline.com) in the Bahamas because with a name like that, how could you say no? – $23,500,000
  • A contract legally binding Tom Hanks to live out the rest of his days on my island, reenacting the entirety of Castaway twice daily. – $51,039,474
  • Wilson brand volleyball of acceptable quality. – $30.00
  • Black Sharpie. – $2
  • Really? More taxes!? Fine, here! Glad I could independently fund our war with Russia! – $28,000,000
  • Used RV for, you know, traveling the country. Definitely not for cooking meth. – $60,000
  • Bachelors Degree in Chemistry from the University of California San Diego. – $197,968
  • Golden Lego brick. Made of gold. – $15,000
  • A roll of 22 carat gold toilet paper, delivered in person with a bottle of champagne. – $1,376,900
  • To gamble, but only on penny slots. $3,000,000
  • Enough Cheez-Its to swim in an ocean of Cheez-Its. – $5,000,000
  • iTunes gift cards. – $2,000,000
  • Probably enough for a Batmobile, right? Like, a nice one. – $1,000,000
  • Ugh… I guess, charity… probably. – $1,000,000

And that adds up to approximately $223,999,900 leaving you with $100 to spend however you wish! Enjoy your new found wealth and remember, don’t spend it all in one place!

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Written by: Kevin Cole, Cullen Dolson, Lily Fryburg, Hannah Gutman

Ep. 11 – Poop In Front of Your Spouse

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In this episode Cullen, Kevin, Susan and an articulate entity known only as “Ghost” sit down, not to answer questions, but to discuss Kevin’s very first wedding experience. We learn that a man, educated by television, has very little knowledge of wedding procedures and that even the Editor-In-Chief of a humor magazine has problems with sex jokes.

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Episode 8 – Feminism Pt 2 Faux Chau

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In this episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan sit down with feminist, Kaity O’Reilly to discuss feminism and it’s relation to marriage. We find out how marriage relegates traditional gender roles and debate as to whether or not it still has that effect. Kevin and Cullen talk about fishing and more, all in this week’s episode of Marry Me!

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Mosquito Expert Cullen Dolson [Interview]

Since the beginning of time, man has swatted at the pests that fly all up in our grills. I believe it was the prophet Jeremiah who first said, “Man! Get these muddafuckin buggy things out my face.” These pesky creatures have been referred to as the “longest plague ever to exist on earth” (no source found). But are these insects truly unruly, or do they have a deeper purpose? I consulted an expert on all insect-related matters, he’s known as…

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Cullen Dolson, Interviewer: Hello, you fine hunk of man. How are you today?

Cullen Dolson, Mosquito Expert: Ha! You’re too kind, you specimen of pure delight. I’m doing fine, thanks. And yourself?

CDI: Well, thanks. What do you say we get right down to the matter at hand? There’s something that’s really been bugging me, and I believe you have the answer. Are mosquitoes actually the evil little bastards people make them out to be? Or are they secret keepers of ancient mysteries?

CDME: Well, it is indeed a very complicated history, the story of our flying friend. You see, little is known about what God did on the days immediately following his first crazy week. What is being uncovered now (and I mean right now—literally, I’m coming up with this as I speak) is that God created a few things after surveying the whole scene.

CDI: What?! That’s not what I learned in Sunday school! This is gonna sting!

CDME: Yeah…sure. Anyways, God saw that there was a need for a few more creatures. Seeing as this interview focuses on our airborne amigo, we will focus on him. The mosquito was made to be the original blood transfusion device, taking blood from those who have plenty and delivering it to those who are in great need. Nifty, right?

CDI: I’ll say!

CDME: Please don’t.

CDI: Don’t what?

CDME: Don’t say. You know what? Never mind, this is stupid.

CDI: Okay, sorry. I’ll try to beehive myself.

CDME: Did you just…? Whatever. Anyways, the mosquito was the first blood transfusion device, and this worked well for a while. That is, until horrible diseases came along. The mosquitoes didn’t know what to do. They wanted to keep transmitting this blood, but they could never know which blood was good and which blood was bad. So they kept going strong.

CDI: Wow, that is really something, isn’t it?

CDME: Well, yes, of course it is something. It’s certainly not nothing. What is your deal?

CDI: No deal—I’m actually doing this for free. My friend Kevin is a really great guy, and he asked me to write some articles. So, I am.

CDME: This Kevin sounds like a real piece of poo.

CDI: Oh, I don’t know about that. I think he’s eggcellent!

CDME: What the hell was that?

CDI: What was what?

CDME: You just said “eggcellent.”

CDI: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

CDME: And earlier you said “beehive” yourself instead of “behave.”

CDI: Sir, I think you are just going to have to sit back down. Unless you would prefer to communicate by dance?

CDME: No! Stop with the bug jokes! Do you think this is some kind of joke? I uncovered the real purpose of mosquitoes! Every time you swat one you may be costing someone else the chance to live. How do you feel about that?

CDI: Well, I believe it will certainly cause a buzz.

CDME: Son of a bitch!

(Raucous fighting ensues)

CDI: (amidst punches) I’m sorry, did you say itch? “Son of an itch?” Well then maybe it’s time to check for fleas? (more punching)

And so, dear reader, next time you come across one of these supposed winged wankers, try not to think of them as such.

Instead, regard them as aviating answers to life.

Our interview with Mosquito Expert Cullen Dolson appeared in The Annual #4. Purchase your copy today!

Episode 6 – Feminism pt. 1 The Pending Debate

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In this episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan try to figure out why someone would go dutch on an engagement ring and should they? THEN they spend about ten minutes getting down to the nitty gritty of how being a feminist interferes with getting married… well they try to, until Cullen has to run off to an acapella practice, but don’t worry, they’ll continue the discussion soon.

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