Tag Archives: Cullen Dolson

Episode 5 – Rules of Engagement

MarryMe itunes art

Episode 5 of Marry Me! is now live! Click the picture above to subscribe on itunes.

You can also stream the episode here.

In this episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan take an in depth look at engagements, determining the effectivness of long term engagements, and attempting to answer the timeless question of how to know when you’re actually ready to get married. In this episode they are joined by special guests Emma Wright (Cullen’s girlfriend) and Richard Cole who stops by to discuss his own engagement over twenty years ago.

Check out Save The Arcadian(the band behind our wonderful theme music)

Be sure to send your questions in to marryme.annual@gmail.com

Or fill out the form below!

Screen Shot 2013-10-12 at 4.52.05 PM

Episode 4 – Stumping Susan

MarryMe itunes art

Episode 4 of Marry Me! is now live! Click the picture above to subscribe on itunes.

You can also stream the episode here.

In this week’s episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan discuss fall weddings as Kevin finds himself invited to one. The three struggle to answer the question of how to cope with a “new roommate” of the opposite gender (specifically: a spouse) who enjoys potty humor and wonder what it takes to make the sudden leap into living together once married.

Check out Save The Arcadian (the band behind our wonderful theme music)

Be sure to send your questions in to marryme.annual@gmail.com

1008130854
Drew Vanlandingham shows off a Fall Wedding spread, filled with pumpkins and cheese puffs.

Episode 3 – Marital Anarchists

MarryMe itunes art

Episode 3 of Marry Me! is now live! Click the picture above to subscribe on itunes.

You can also stream the episode here.

In this week’s episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan discuss the effects of the government shutdown on weddings/marriages. Then contemplate the ethical intricacies of getting married for the right reasons, be it love or some sort of “get rich quick” scheme.

Check out Save The Arcadian (the band behind our wonderful theme music)

Be sure to send your questions in to marryme.annual@gmail.com

Screen Shot 2013-09-23 at 9.30.02 PM

Episode 2: The Wedding Industrial Complex

MarryMe itunes art

Episode 2 of Marry Me! is now live! Click the picture above to subscribe on itunes.

You can also stream the episode here.

In this week’s episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan discuss the intricacies of hipster weddings. The boys plan their dream weddings and settle the dilema of how to fight wedding mania (Marriage Mania?) when you’re not quite ready to take the leap. Through the most destructive means they tackle the Wedding Industrial Complex, crashing wedding, and the peak of destruction: The end of the world.

Find out if  you are attending a hipster wedding.

Check out Save The Arcadian (the band behind our wonderful theme music)

Be sure to send your questions in to marryme.annual@gmail.com

Screen Shot 2013-09-23 at 9.30.02 PM

Episode 1: Always Be Nupping

MarryMe itunes art

 

Episode 1 of Marry Me! is now live! Click the picture above to subscribe on itunes.

You can also stream the episode here.

In this week’s episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan discuss the importance of overcoming their intimacy issues via llamas. Then they get down to brass tax and discuss whether or not there is a right age to get married and what to do when your partner doesn’t meet all your vague needs.

The Llama Story can be found at Colors Magazine

Give Save The Arcadian a listen

You can find all the details about Women are Crazy because Men are A**Holes Here!

Be sure to send your questions in to marryme.annual@gmail.com

 

Podcast Announcement: Marry Me!

As some of you may have noticed there was a lack of posts to the site last week. This is because I (Kevin) was busy working at a summer camp with fellow Annual Staffer Cullen Dolson. Throughout the week the two of us would steadily shout “Marry Me!” following interactions with our incredible staff chaplain Susan Daughtry.

The joke steadily evolved into a concept that was quickly fleshed out and now we would like present you with the latest Annual podcasting venture:

Marry Me! Marriage advice!* 

*Do not take advice.

A Podcast featuring The Annual’s Editor-in-Cheif Kevin Cole, Writer Cullen Dolson and their favorite married person in the world/Ordained Priest Susan Daughtry. With their powers combined the three will dish out the most helpful marriage advice known to man!

However, the show can’t get off the ground until we have some questions to answer. So please, if you are married or soon to be married, please send your questions to:

marryme.annual@gmail.com

On Pooping Outside

Cullen Dolson

       Pooping is perhaps the most understated intellectual activity. Science has proved countless times that people who take their sweet time on the john lead happier, more successful lives. However, what do you do when you don’t have a john?! Such is the case in The Wilderness. Reader, don’t distress! It’s quite fece-able to have a superb poo, even when out in the woods. Here is my advice:

1) Find the perfect spot. 

Look for beautiful scenery away from the rest of the world. Let this spot be a serene poop-haven. This will enhance the poop/pooper relationship tenfold. It must calm the soul (and the bowels) and make for the easiest of poops. The goal here is to not even feel the loss of your fecal friend.

2) Find the best implement for wiping.

My personal favorite—a good pine cone. Not only does it successfully remove all extra stragglers, it’s rough exterior serves a double purpose as it exfoliates your down-belows. This all-natural approach to wiping leaves no trace but a baby-soft buttocks.*

3) Look for woodland creatures simultaneously enjoying a delightful poo.

There ain’t nothing better on God’s green earth than sharing a poop experience with our furry friends. Notice I said “furry” friends. This, of course, refers to our mammalian allies. Why not our reptile friends? Science has proven that these animals don’t poop. Instead, they reverse synthesize that fecal matter back into the atmosphere. Look it up—it’s science. (For more information on the pooping habits of reptiles, tune in to future columns!)

4) Most importantly, be sure to make use of this wonderful time for introspection and meditation.

I mean, where would be today if our great leaders did not make use of their own poop-time meditation? Abraham Lincoln took a seven-and-a-half hour meditative poop in the middle of the White House Garden when writing the Emancipation Proclamation. That is a whole shit ton of dedication, if you ask me (and a likewise hefty sized poo, I might add)! Dante Alighieri wrote his Divine Comedy during his stint in a secluded shack in the Apennine Mountains! Hell, Gandhi practically invented pooping!

So, do not shy away from your poo. No—embrace your time alone with an intellectual fervor like that of our greatest thinkers (and stinkers) of time gone by.

*CAUTION: Go with the grain.

On Pooping Outside was originally published in The Annual #3, purchase your copy today!

Cullen’s Camp Itinerary

Cullen Dolson

Cabin Trip Schedule: Fucking Obey It

Day 1

4:00- Arrive at the cabin

4:01- Check for spiders

4:02- Orgy

7:00- Cleanup

7:30- Make a recklessly large bonfire

7:45- A hearty and raucous debate about what it truly means to be Jewish

8:00- So much food

8:45- Secede from the Union

9:00- STD-themed limerick writing contest

9:30- Whittling

10:00- Begin drinking

10:30- Group poop

10:45- Panel discussion of the Sasquatch: grizzly murderer or mythic liberator?

11:00 – Sonneteering contest

11:30 – A Lincoln-Douglas-style argument about the ubiquity of guns in America and liberty more generally.

Day 2

12:00- Sensual pushup contest

12:30- Musings on the duplicity of “the man” and his system of whorish double standards

1:00- S’mores n’ shit

1:30- Displays of admiration regarding Alex’s basketball prowess in the post

2:00- Sharing happy memories

2:30- Wyatt is thrown into the fire to burn for his crimes against the Confederacy

3:00- Group sing-a-long to Queen’s greatest hits album

3:30- Bored, typical, and unproductive planning about what to do next

4:00- Super Smash Brothers (don’t ask me how)

4:30 – The drafting of the constitution

5:00 – Sunrise

5:30 – Communal lamentation for all our failures

6:00 – White person store for nourishment

6:30 – Fetus

7:00 – The hunt begins

7:30 – Re-admittance to the union

7:28 – Slumber

2:00 – Wake up and kill the least favorite member of the group.

2:30 – Gather firewood

3:30 – Group count to one million

4:00 – Begin pagan ceremonies

4:15 – Get bored with pagan ceremonies and switch to playing monopoly

4:16 – Get bored playing Monopoly and have a dildo fight

5:30 – Draw straws for who has to give Alex his nightly enema.

5:39 – Eat a nutritious dinner… Nahhhhht just keep drinking dat alcohol.

6:00 – Two sides are formed: Orcs and elves. Do battle using only limp arms with toothpicks taped to the hands.

7:30 – Sexual campfire songs (“Kumbayahhhhh,” “Ba Ba Black Penis,” “Apples and Bananas,” etc.)

8:30 – Act out various scenes from “The Santa Claus 2”

10:30 – Scripture reading

11:00 – Group poop part dos

11:30 – Mount Wyatt’s head on a stick

Day 3

12:00 – Puppet show!!!!!

1:00 – Somebody proposes to a woodland creature, but gets denied

1:30 – Start our own religion based on the worship of human feces

2:00 – Realize that nobody will want to join that religion, so we cry for a bit

3:00 – Find a long-lost relative of Alex in the woods

3:15 – Accuse them of being adulterous

3:30 – Scattegories

4:30 – Discover the cure for cancer

5:00 – Forget it

6:00 – Sleepies

8:00 – Discuss who we would bring to repopulate if we were shipped off to Venus post-destruction of Earth

9:00 – Trade one member of the group to a passing hobo in exchange for fresh moonshine

9:30 – Tidy up

10:30 – Gladiator

11:30 – Play sardines

12:00 – Someone contracts herpes

12:15 – Argue about the true meaning of the phrase “I am what I am, but I’m not a yam”

12:30 – Decide that is some stupid Latin shit

1:00 – Write an Epic of the weekend with Alex appearing as a filthy Minotaur and Cullen as a glistening demigod

1:30 – Pack up and go home

 

Cullen’s Camp Itinerary was originally published in The Annual #002 and be purchased here.

The Next Generation Condom

Screen Shot 2013-03-28 at 1.28.26 AM

Kevin Cole, Nicolas Contreras, Cullen Dolson, Courtney McLaughlin

Earlier this week, Bill Gates offered a $100,000 grant for whomever can create the next generation of condoms. The new condoms would need to “preserve or enhance sensation” while preventing STDs and offering up incentives for use. Here at The Annual we have been hard at work developing the next generation of condoms and this is what we have come up with thus far.

First there are numerous standard features that absolutely MUST be included in the next-gen condom if it is to be successful at all. These include:

  • Wifi Compatibility
  • An achievement based system synced to Xbox Live
  • A embedded microchip that would allow for “Thrust-tracking” enabling users to rack up “Frequent Fucker Miles”
  • A POV Camera for in-depth investigations

The next-gen condom would also need to be reusable, machine washable, and potentially made from the same material as “those blankets at your mother’s house.” In addition, this material should be able to change colors with the detection of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

The next generation of condom isn’t just a means to prevent unwanted pregnancies, it’s an effective marketing tool. With special Crossover-Condoms, companies can promote their products, in an arena where T-shirts simply won’t do. The following are just two of the countless, potential Crossover-Condoms to simultaneously  revolutionize intercourse and marketing:

  • Star Trek: The Next generation Condoms: Get ready to “Engage” with the Star Trek TNGC. Timed with JJ Abrams’ inevitable Next Generation reboot, these condoms will boldly go where no man has gone before. Be sure to pick up the Worf condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.
  • Moonrise Condoms: The condom that waxes and wanes with the moon cycle, the menstrual cycle, and the Wes Anderson cycle. Includes an ocean sounds soundtrack, insta-tampon, and a struggling family with an absent father figure. Buy yours today!

Of course, all condoms will come Norton Antivirus approved and monitored, with 24/7 support. If any issue should arise (or fail to) simply call 1800-nortoncondoms. When it just can’t boot up, call Norton tech. “They made sure I wasn’t left hanging!”-proud Norton customer