Tag Archives: Dating

Truths We’re Too Thirsty To Put In Our Tinder Bios

Honesty is the best policy until it stops you from getting laid. Here’s to all the things we wish we could say:

  • Fat
  • Hater of Dogs
  • Hater of Nerd Shit
  • Can’t cook, won’t cook
  • Fun mix of inflated ego and self-loathing
  • NO GYM RATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Don’t worry about how you’ll tell my parents we met because you’re never meeting my parents?
  • Will cry at: series finales, traffic, everything else
  • Your dog smells bad, and also sucks
  • Who gives a shit how tall you are why are all of you so obsessed with this no one gives a hell
  • Probably bad at sex but you can do it to me anyway
  • We Will Never Actually Meet

Christine McQuaid & Claire

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Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It’s me, again. It has been 15 years since my last entry. What’s been going on, you ask? Well, since I am now 23, puberty was a big change. But I don’t need to bore you with those hairy details. I’d have to say that the biggest development is my relationship status. I’ve got a girlfriend! I know what you’re thinking: “What about those descriptive entries that clearly pointed to some bi-curious tendencies?” I’m just going to blame that on the heated Twister match with my cousin. Anyway, she’s finally met my mom and dad for the first time and, boy, was it a doozy.

Dinner was okay. We went to a nice restaurant with great food. But it got a little weird when my mom kept saying she was going to steal the saltshakers while my dad ordered a drink called a Bikini Martini. I had no problem with that…until he started talking about wearing a bikini.

Later, we went back to our house and my girlfriend told me she really wanted to play a game called “Cards Against Humanity.” In case you don’t know, it’s basically a perverted version of “Apples to Apples,” involving white cards with a noun that must be matched with black cards that are either fill-in-the-blank statements or questions. Without much thought, I agreed.

At the beginning, our cards mainly consisted of curse words, which didn’t really bother me since my mom says them all the time. However, just like that Twister game, things got erotic pretty quickly. I picked a black card that asked, “How did my last relationship end?” Without hesitation, Mom slapped down her white card: Micropenis.

Mom implied that I had a MICROPENIS IN FRONT OF MY GIRLFRIEND! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT? I tried to quickly move on as it was now my girlfriend’s turn. Her card read, “__________ leads to _________.” And, just like Mom, Dad slapped down his two cards: Road head AND friendly fire. I mean, C’MON! ROAD HEAD leads to FRIENDLY FIRE?!

I guess it wasn’t a complete disaster because my girlfriend still kissed me goodnight as I dropped her off at home, ending the conversation with an “I love you.” All I gotta say is that if my crazy family didn’t faze her one bit, I’ve got one hell of a girl on my hands. Talk to ya later, Diary.

                                    Andrew Michaels

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Are you datable?

Are you datable?

A highly concentrated personality test to see if you have what it takes to date Kevin Cole, The Annual’s Editor-in-Chief.

 

Section One:

  • Are you my sister?

  Yes

  No

  • Promise?

  Yes

  No

  • Can you prove it via extensive blood testing?

  Yes

  No

Section One Results:

All “Yes”: Well, if you really went through all that trouble to get blood testing done… fine, I’ll date you, but only because you’re so damn persistent

No, Yes, Yes: We’re off to a great start, but to be safe, lets proceed to section 2.

All “No”: It’d be a gamble to keep this going, but you gotta know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em. Proceed to Section Two.

 

Section Two:

My sister, like all sisters, has a name. Her name happens to be “Karli,” a common name containing two variables and can be easily explained using the following mathematical equation.

 

[x]ARL[y]=SISTER?

If you are not named Karli in any capacity, please continue to Section Three, otherwise solve for X and Y.

A)    x=K; y=I

B)    x=C; y=I

C)    x=K; y=Y

D)    x=C; y=Y

E)    x=K; y=IE

F)     x=C; y=IE

Section Two Results: 

A) Look, you’re clearly my sister. It’s well documented that you are the only “Karli” out there. I should’ve never taken that gamble in Section One. I’m sorry but your journey ends here.

B, C or E) Looks like you’re one or more variable away from being my sister. Do you really want that kind of connection? It will only end in the most awkward love-making session of our collective lives.

D) CONGRATS! Your name contains the ONLY workable combination of variables. To the naked ear, “Carly” may sound exactly like “Karli,” but I promise you I am pronouncing it differently. Somewhere in my head, your name triggers no alarms. Nothing weird about it. Lets move on to Section Three!

F) While none of the variables line up to create “Karli,” the jury is still out on the standing of “IE” combinations. You may proceed to Section Three, but do so with caution for the odds of heartbreak are high.

 

Section Three:

How old are you?

A) 17 or younger

B) 18-19

C) 20 or older

Section Three Results

A) What is wrong with you?! No, I won’t date you. You are a child! Don’t try that “I’m a young adult/the heart wants what it wants” shit on me. How are you even reading this? Where are your parents? They shouldn’t let you read this filth; we publish the F-word free of guilt. You’re out sister!

B) As of 2013 you are as old, or younger than my sister. So by the transitive property, to date you would be to date my sister. Sorry, but the buck stops here.

C) No further clarifications here. On to Section Four!

 

Section Four:

Will you marry me?

A) Yes

B) No

Section Four Results:

Pick whichever you want. I have five projects going on at any given time, and I recently saw a news story about how you can literally work yourself to death. It’s fine if you’re afraid of commitment; you’ll only have to put up with me for about ten more years. The point is I don’t have much time, so come and get it before it’s gone.

 

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Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker #3

Question 1:

Should I date this bartender I know? She seems really flirty and nice, but I’m just not sure. Should I go for it?

_____________________

Yes, you fool. She is a bartender; she tends bars. Free booze. That’s about all that you need to know to make a well-informed decision.

____________________

Question 2:

I recently found out my father has been cheating on my mother. I want to say something, but I don’t know how to go about it.

_____________________

You have a few options here. You could either tell your mother (lame), or put into motion a ridiculously over-articulate plan that will scare him into stopping (badass). Lets go with the second one, as that is clearly more fun. If you are familiar with the Christmas story of Scrooge, then you may know the direction this is going in. If not, number one, go culture up, fool; and number two, it’s basically about a man who is shown the error of his ways by a series of ghosts. It will be tricky, but I think you have it in you.

Now, I’m assuming you don’t have an amazing special effects crew on hand, so you will have to find another way to sell the ghostliness. For that, I recommend getting a hold of some acid, as well as a taser; more on those later. You will then need to make either one ghost costume or many, depending on the script you want to write. Don’t stress out too much about the costume’s quality. On a night when you know your mother won’t be home, slip that acid you procured into the old guy’s drink, close to when he goes to sleep, and wait for the fun to begin. Keep a close eye on him, and when he starts to show signs of tripping (rubbing anything with an interesting pattern for longer than should be okay, screaming at the floor for trying to eat his feet, speaking to a couch as if it was Jabba the Hutt and he, Boba Fett, negotiating a bounty, etc…), make your move.

Pounce into the room in character and proceed to explain to your bewildered father the follies of cheating. If he freaks out and tries to attack you, use that taser you picked up earlier. If it doesn’t incapacitate him, it will make you seem like some kind of lighting god, and his fear will keep him at bay. Go on with your speech as you have prepared. Some good things to mention might be a horrible pocket of hell (if religion is his cup of tea) reserved for adulterers, a sad lonely death, walled out from the love of his family after he is found out, or even something like if he does it again, your badassery will return to give him a far more stern talking to with a lot more “lightning.” After you feel the message has gotten through, ask if he understands, and don’t take no for an answer. The next morning, bask in his terrified face and know that you have done right … or at least kind of right.

____________________

Question 3:

I can’t really bring myself to like people. I mean, they exist, but that is about it for me. I feel this is starting to stunt me as a person. Any advice on how to get around this?

_____________________

The feeling of disassociation with humanity can be common, and delving into misanthropy can be a dire path. One way to get past this is to think of making friends as a game. Pokémon, to be exact.

When you look at people as a set of stats and attributes, it becomes much easier to make sense of them. There are bunches of Pokémon, and as that game franchise has Pokémon types; there are many people who can often be linked with said types. There are the fiery hotheads, the calm water types, the hippy-like grass dudes, the flashily clothed, loud electric types, the often-stoned rock types, the nerdy psychic types and even the horridly bland normal types, just to name a few. Each Pokémon type has a personality, and your new goal in (social) life is to do just what you do in the games—collect them all. Now I’m not saying go up to these people, push another person at them, reverse your oddly nondescript baseball cap, and throw balls at them (although this may work on the freaky-ass bug type people; they are … odd), as that would just bewilder them beyond any point of following you into “battle” (social stuff, parties and whatnot).

So, once you classify these people, choose the types you personally find interesting and what types have an advantage with another type. A good example is the rock type’s ability to rope in grass types. Keep in mind that you don’t want to go with just one type—one always wants a balanced party so any challenge can be faced. After you establish an initial party, expand, and, just like in the game, attempt to grab them all up. Sure, you may be reducing human interaction to a strange, game-based break from reality, and you will ultimately be manipulating people to acquire the perfect group, but you are a people master now, and they are mere people to be kept in confined spaces and forced to interact for your pleasure.

____________________

Question 4:

Recently, I was robbed for the first time. I feel really uneasy, and the police told me that because not too much was taken, the chances of finding the robber are pretty low. Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better about the situation?

_____________________

There is honestly only one thing you can do in a situation like this, and that’s vengeance! You have been wronged, sir or madam, and it’s time to turn the tables. Based on what was stolen, provided insurance was involved, you will receive a check for the value of what is missing. Now, most people replace their old stuff with this money, but not you. Vengeance has no business with making things as they were. No, you are going to spend most of this money on a few high-price investigation tools, such as a fingerprint set, magnifying glass and a Sherlock Holmes hat—stuff like that. Keep some of the money, as you may need to make some hires in the near future. Now start dusting for prints and looking for clues. This gives you an edge on the police, as they don’t look for prints in cases involving minor burglary.

Provided you find some prints, save them up and start getting in touch with the seedy underworld of your neighborhood. First, find a hacker who can get into the police database to find a match with the prints. Assuming something comes up (if not, roam the streets busting heads Casey Jones style and find you some answers as to who nabbed your box set of Firefly), you will then want to think about how you will confront the perp. There are a few ways you can go about this. Option one is to steal stuff from him, balancing the karma of the universe. Option two is to frame him for an even bigger crime, and lead the police right to him. Option three is good old-fashioned violence, which if chosen, you may want to hire some muscle. I wish you well on your hunt, oh vengeful one. May you not be arrested for what you must do. It’s a matter of honor.

____________________

Question 5:

Recently, I have felt a little boring and that my day-to-day is pretty dull. I want to do something “bad” or unexpected to spice my life up, but I’m only in high school. Any suggestions of things I could possibly do?

_____________________

You sir, have come to the right place. There are plenty of shenanigans to be had in this crazy world, and lucky for you I happen to know quite a few quick fixes for a boring life. Here is a list of possible activities, some more hardcore/potentially impossible than others.

  • Start using fake names everywhere you go, with elaborate back-stories, different accents and different personalities. Start going to random new places, and try to meet as many people as you can. You may find that selling the lie is a whole lot of fun, like training to be a con man.
  • Pretend to be a pair of identical twins who both hate each other and can’t stand to be in the same room together. Make sure the brothers are polar opposites, so everyone is generally unsure what to say to you. With some simple Photoshop, you can whip up a few pictures that will shut up the naysayers.
  • Drop everything, find a flight to England, and spend the rest of your days attempting to find the fabled Excalibur. Sure, it may not actually exist, but if you find it you become the new king, which is British for lady city (or man city, whatever the sexual preference).
  • Start an elaborate underground go-kart ring with an “anything goes” type rule set. If you can get word around and it starts attracting some attention, start opening betting pools, as it can be quite profitable.
  • Play a variation of ding-dong ditch called ding-dong sass. It follows the same rules except when they open the door: you insult them as much as you can. Throw random snapping in to really sell it.
  • Throw a party with non-alcoholic kegs, but tell no one. After a while, when everyone thinks they are drunk, announce that there was no alcohol in the beer, and laugh at the shame brought upon them by their foolish acting.
  • Reenact and record an alternate universe of “Reading Rainbow,” with you in place of Levar Burton. Throw in sexually explicit puns and get in fights with all of your guests after tearing up their books, while constantly screaming, “Set that to warp, bitch!”
  • Skip school, and then walk into your principal’s office. Throw pounds (if not pounds, at least one pound) of fish at him. Tell him/her that it is a family tradition, and if he/she doesn’t buy it, ask him/her if they want the fish again. Then give them the fish again regardless of the answer received.
  • Spend your days studying biology, specifically gene splicing, and start to develop awesome animal crosses, like an alligator wolf or a cheetah shark. Assuming you genetically design them to be submissive to a master, you could choose to become a super villain, providing it strikes your fancy.

Those should hold you over for a bit. Good luck, future exciting dude.

____________________

Well, I hope this has helped some people out there.

Have any issues or questions you need advice on? E-mail them to

CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

 This edition of Completely Serious Advice appeared in The Annual #3! Purchase your copy today!

A CHUBBY GUY’S TIPS TO PICK UP CHICKS

You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard heavyset guys complain about their dating life. While some blame the girls, others blame themselves. “My boobs are bigger than hers!” “She only dates the guy with the rock-hard abs.”

Well, I am here to tell you that there are girls out there that like the chubby guy. They’re the “chubby chasers.” To help you reel one in, consider these tips.

ChubbyTips1Chubby Tip #1

Don’t suck in your stomach. It only emphasizes the circumference of your man-boobs. You don’t want to change who you are or what you look like. By simply letting your body “hang out,” you will allow the girl to see you for you and not a man with a large rack. Remember, L.I.G.H.T = Let It Go and Hang Today.

Chubby Tip #2

Wear clothing appropriate for your size. I understand that many larger men believe they look slimmer when they wear shirts or pants a size down from their usual. However, it can be a tad scary for girls. In one case, your gut may be hanging out below the line of your shirt like Jabba the Hut trying to play peek-a-boo by hiding behind a napkin. In addition, some men have perky nipples. So, when you are wearing a tight shirt and it’s 40 degrees outside, your nipples begin to puncture the cloth as if they’re gasping for air. Don’t be too shy to wear your size.

ChubbyTipsChubby Tip #3

Once you’ve got the right size clothing, dress to impress. Trade in your cheese puff-covered sweats for something sharp. I’ve found that khakis and polo shirts tend to do very well for us husky guys. For a formal dating scene, one where you’re wearing a suit, be the suit. Don’t be afraid to act like James Bond by listening to “Secret Agent Man” or “Man For All Seasons” as you’re driving to the restaurant. Just make sure you’re alone in the car. Once you’ve picked her up shut off the music, but keep the attitude.

ChubbyTipsChubby Tip #4

When the consumption of food is involved during this interaction, try to restrain yourself. I know how hard it is when you’re sitting between a sprinkled donut and a beautiful girl. You lick your lips; maybe drool a little. And you know that when she leaves to use the restroom, it’s about to get nasty back at the table. However, when you two are together, keep yourself calm and be sure to drink plenty of water. It will help fill you up. By not overwhelming her with portion sizes, you can carry on with a sprinkle-free conversation. And you never know, maybe she’s just a little jealous of that donut.

In the end, you know what is most important. Be yourself. Even though you hear it from all the skinny people and your parents, it is true. Now, I’m not sure whom you’ll end up with, whether it’s someone like you or that Barbie who thinks you have a six-pack under those layers of love. But one thing is for sure—there is someone out there for every chubby guy.

Stay pudgy,

The Chubby Guy

ChubbyTips

 

Illustrations by David Luna

Written by Andrew Michaels

A Chubby Guy’s Tips to Pick Up Chicks was originally published in The Annual #3!

Purchase your copy today!

 

Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker

Question 1:

I’m being set up with a girl way out of my league, and I don’t know what to do. My friend made reservations already, so it’s too late to back out.

_____________________

Whew, this is going to take a bit of legwork prior to the engagement, so get ready. First things first: Go to your local Chinatown. Don’t have one? Wrong answer; there is always a Chinatown. Next, find the biggest, most intimidating-looking fellow you can. You will then hand him $500 and a slip of paper (I will address the contents of this note later), and arrange to meet him outside of the reservation location. Scout out a secluded alley about four to five blocks from the meeting place, and try to judge whether or not it will be infested with muggers later. Follow up by plotting a course from the date location to your alley. Bonus points if it involves any fire escapes. Now, meet your hired man outside the establishment. Don’t worry about your date seeing you with him; you’ll be arriving late (as to how late, ask your date-making friend about her punctuality). Give your hired man written instructions as to the route you have selected, and instruct him to chase you and your lady friend— keeping a safe distance the whole time, of course.

Walk into the eatery, and approach your date. Tell her your location is compromised, grab her arm, and run out. Make eye contact with your henchman to signal that the game is on, and run your course. Try to be as reassuring as you can with your date—if you handle this badly, she may be a bit shaken up. When the alley is in sight, make a mad dash. Once inside, catch your breath and tell her that you think you lost him. Feel free to try to make up a fun story as to why a member of the Triad is chasing you; make yourself look like the good guy. About now, your hired man should enter the alley. Now the piece of paper you gave him earlier comes in, upon which you will write a short script akin to the following:

You: Is this about Hong Kong?

Triad: No.

You: Then what is this about?

Triad: Mr. Chen wants to see you, tonight.

You: Look, tonight’s not good for me; I’m a bit tied up.

[Gesture at girl]

Triad: Tomorrow, then. Be ready.

[Triad leave alley]

After this little scene, turn on your charm, and offer to make up your rudely interrupted dinner plans. This is the best time to flesh out your role. I recommend either the misunderstood bounty hunter or the human rights worker who had a run in with the mob, as these are fairly easy tropes to develop. Don’t forget to ask her about herself, but also make sure there is a feeling of impending doom as to your meeting with Mr. Chen. With any luck you should be home free by this point, so get ready for one passionate evening. This won’t last long, of course, as your lies unravel, but let’s face it, dude: She was way out of your league to begin with.

____________________

Question 2:

All my friends are pressuring me to drink, but I don’t want to. What should I do?

_____________________

Man up and drink! Drinking is a magical thing. I mean, do you want a list of good reasons to drink? Because that’s what you’re getting:

  • You will be a better public speaker
  • Everything seems better
  • Everyone who drinks gets laid every time
  • You will be more graceful
  • Everything will feel more comfortable
  • Studies show everyone who drinks knows more than anyone who doesn’t
  • It makes you invincible
  • You get laid
  • You immediately know how to sword fight
  • You can recognize conspiracies more readily
  • You have better ideas
  • You gain the ability to tame a unicorn (provided you can find one, which you will be able to; you’ll be drinking)
  • You can learn to levitate
  • You can bust ghosts
  • Your liver will turn into gold
  • You get to have sex
  • Time travel totally makes sense
  • Bad movies become bearable
  • You will become worshiped, as a god, because you will become one

And those are some mondo-righteous reasons why you should drink, you chump.

____________________

Question 3:

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I have suspected this for a while, but I’m just not sure how I can know.

_____________________

All right, this is a touchy subject, mainly because you cannot be seen investigating, or the jig is up. So, as to avoid this you are going to need to take the next flight to Tokyo. Once there, find the nearest underground ninja school. Train here for about a year, at which point you will be pretty good at going about unnoticed. When you get back in town, tell your boyfriend you are going to stay with a friend for the night. Leave, and then don your sneaking gear. Once outfitted, go to the roof, and wait for him to come out. Feel free to follow him until you have seen whatever you need to. If he does, however, pick up a lady, follow him and interrupt him mid-coitus. Show off your new skills, and scare the shit out of him. Revenge can be therapeutic: Now you know. Whether he was cheating before or felt the need to cheat during your yearlong ninjafying is neither here nor there, because hey, you’re a ninja now.

____________________

Question 4:

I think this girl has a crush on me. We have always been friends, but she has been acting weird around me. I’d really like to know if she actually does, so what should I do?

_____________________

You are going to need to set up a rock-climbing excursion. This needs to be outdoors, and make sure to hire a climbing instructor. Pay him or her off to set up a little accident. While you and she are climbing, there will be a “mishap” with your support line (make sure there is a safety set up in case this fails and you do fall), so you are hanging from her. This is where the instructor you have paid off will yell, “You’re going to have to pull him up, but I don’t think you have the strength. Do you have significant feelings for him? If so, a burst of adrenaline may allow you to save his life!” With your life on the line she has to be upfront. She will confess her undying love for you, and boom, best first date story ever. Or, she lets you fall and wasn’t really into it.

____________________

Question 5:

No one talks in my Spanish class, and it has started to make the teacher angry. She is really unpleasant in class now, and I want to do something, but I can’t be the only one who tries to talk. What should I do?

_____________________

Have you ever seen “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?” In the movie, Matthew Broderick sets up an automated voice recorder in order to appear to be home. You need to create a more complex version of that. First, read ahead to the next few chapters in your Spanish textbook so you can guess what a few questions might be, and write down some questions that may come up in class. After that go out and buy as many tape recorders as you can, and record yourself answering some of the questions you made earlier (it is best to try to use a different sounding voice on each one). Next, sneak into your school and position the different recorders throughout the classroom. Then, rig an elaborate pulley system leading to your desk or something else that will allow for remote control. Spend a few hours memorizing where you have placed each answer. The next day in class, answer your profesora’s questions to your heart’s content and presto! No negative work environment. Of course, you will have to keep this up to ensure her good mood, so this really only works for as long as your sanity lasts.

____________________

Well, I hope this helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions?

E-mail them to

CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com.