Tag Archives: Diary

Welcome to The Secret Diary of Your New Friend

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

-Some Dead Indian Dude

Welcome to The Secret Diary of Your New Friend!

In these pages you’ll find what keeps me up at night (FYI, I sleep shirtless. I know that’s an important detail everyone wants to know – the fact that I sleep without a shirt. And no, this detail was definitely not added to give this piece sexual appeal requested by my editor), you’ll also find what hits home in my anterior supplemental motor area, ventromedial frontal lobe, and nucleus accumbens. In other words, what makes me laugh (the editor also wants me to come off as intelligent).

For those who actually Google searched the parts of the brain above, I’d like to take the time to note that I don’t have a drug problem. You’d know if I did, this is my diary, but I bet now you’re more inclined to look them up. Seriously, check it out. Don’t worry, I’ll wait so that you don’t miss anything.

The essays, poems, and jokes in The Secret Diary of Your New Friend are to put my voice into the world. I don’t know if writing this will actually make the world a better place, but what I do know is in these digital pages. And as a friend, I welcome you to share what you know with me @GiovanniKavota on Twitter.

This is my diary, and I am your new friend. 


EDITOR’S NOTE: Very sexy, very intelligent.
Look for future installments every Thursday.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It’s me, again. It has been 15 years since my last entry. What’s been going on, you ask? Well, since I am now 23, puberty was a big change. But I don’t need to bore you with those hairy details. I’d have to say that the biggest development is my relationship status. I’ve got a girlfriend! I know what you’re thinking: “What about those descriptive entries that clearly pointed to some bi-curious tendencies?” I’m just going to blame that on the heated Twister match with my cousin. Anyway, she’s finally met my mom and dad for the first time and, boy, was it a doozy.

Dinner was okay. We went to a nice restaurant with great food. But it got a little weird when my mom kept saying she was going to steal the saltshakers while my dad ordered a drink called a Bikini Martini. I had no problem with that…until he started talking about wearing a bikini.

Later, we went back to our house and my girlfriend told me she really wanted to play a game called “Cards Against Humanity.” In case you don’t know, it’s basically a perverted version of “Apples to Apples,” involving white cards with a noun that must be matched with black cards that are either fill-in-the-blank statements or questions. Without much thought, I agreed.

At the beginning, our cards mainly consisted of curse words, which didn’t really bother me since my mom says them all the time. However, just like that Twister game, things got erotic pretty quickly. I picked a black card that asked, “How did my last relationship end?” Without hesitation, Mom slapped down her white card: Micropenis.

Mom implied that I had a MICROPENIS IN FRONT OF MY GIRLFRIEND! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT? I tried to quickly move on as it was now my girlfriend’s turn. Her card read, “__________ leads to _________.” And, just like Mom, Dad slapped down his two cards: Road head AND friendly fire. I mean, C’MON! ROAD HEAD leads to FRIENDLY FIRE?!

I guess it wasn’t a complete disaster because my girlfriend still kissed me goodnight as I dropped her off at home, ending the conversation with an “I love you.” All I gotta say is that if my crazy family didn’t faze her one bit, I’ve got one hell of a girl on my hands. Talk to ya later, Diary.

                                    Andrew Michaels

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