Kevin ColeAUTHOR’S NOTE: First of all, in the event that the Doritos Corporation should reveal the intended flavor before publication, I’d just like to say FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU DORITOS CORPORATION! YOU’VE RUINED ME! YOU’VE RUINED MY HOPES AND MY DREAMS! In the event that Mystery Flavor #2653 is still a mystery, disregard the above statement.
When I arrived at the local grocer with the intent of purchasing Doritos’ newest test flavors, I was greeted with only one option: #2653. This meant one of two things. Either this was the flavor that sold the most, prompting the grocer to stock only #2653, or this was the worst flavor and hadn’t sold at all. This, of course, is the most egregious problem with capitalism. When the market dictates what is left on the shelf, how am I to know whether it’s good or bad?
Cracking open the bag, I discovered Doritos of a darker shade, heavily coated in brown powders with red undertones. I certainly wished they looked a little more appetizing. Hell, blue bag, why not have blue chips?
Prior to viewing the chips I considered the power of suggestion when it came to color. Perhaps bleu cheese? I thought. And with that, I made up my mind. They must be bleu cheese! They must be! There are no bleu cheese chips in existence yet, and it’s just wild enough to work in taste but not in marketing.
Upon biting into the chips, I discovered that they were very much not bleu cheese. Instead, the flavor was sweet and a bit tangy at first. A few seconds later, the taste gave way to something smokier, a bit harder to swallow. Soon the flavor gave way altogether, and I was left crunching a Dorito that had become a crispy shell of its former flavor explosion. I came to the conclusion that #2653 was nothing more than “Burnt Dorito”: the smoky flavor, with just a hint of traditional Dorito, mixed with the perfect coloration of a Dorito left in the chip oven for too long.
A few friends noted a chocolaty flavor, and the Huffington Post speculated that it might be “Mexican Hot Chocolate.” But that’s outrageous! To the team of taste testers at HuffPo I’d just like to say FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU HUFFPO TASTETESTERS! I WAS TOLD I WAS ONE OF THOSE SUPER TASTERS, SO STEP OFF! Obviously, “Burnt Dorito” is a flavor intended only for Doritos enthusiasts and was otherwise created as a decoy flavor to get customers to rally behind the true Doritos flavor, which I believe to hidden with the orange bag.