Tag Archives: Dr. Ben Carson

Dr. Ben Carson’s Diary

The Annual, through a top-secret mission of secrecy, was able to obtain a piece of writing straight from Dr. Ben Carson’s diary written after he dropped out of the 2016 race. We present it here in its entirety. 

March 2nd, 2016

Dear Diary,

What an awful couple of days. As it turns out, I am not meant to be President. After my defeat on Super Tuesday there isn’t a reason to continue my campaign any longer.

I’ll manage but I’m worried dear diary, what will happen to my hands? The hands that successfully detached two twins conjoined at the head. The hands that inspired the book and movie Gifted Hands, and the hands whose fingerprints resemble the image of Jesus. What will become of my five point healing machines now that they’ll never get the chance to fix America?

I thought the power of my scalpel carriers would carry me through to the White House. But America is too politically correct to understand the healing power of these fists. All I had to do was get to the Washington, step into the oval office and place a single hand on my desk, the President’s desk, and everything would have been okay. War would have ceased, race would have become a non-issue, and my eyes would have stayed open for an entire State Of The Union Address. This could have been yours America!

But now what should I do with my magnificent metacarpi? Stick them in my pockets?! That’s a disgrace to the history of neurosurgery. No, my gifted hands are meant to do great things I just have to figure out what those next great things will be. For now I will continue making money by appearing on Fox News, and selling off the rest of my Carson2016 pins.

That’s it for now diary; I’m off to treat my mighty dukes to a massage.

 Dr. Ben

RIP Dr. Ben Carson 2016

At 2:10pm on March 2nd, 2016, Dr. Ben Carson 2016, unable to see a path forward, took advantage of his medical degree and found it was time for a “death with dignity.” Carson 2016 lived for a short 10 months, a time which seemed to feel like an eternity for the candidate.  Lost in the throws of medicinal retirement, the candidate enjoyed thorough bedrest until 10 minutes prior to every campaign event. This experimental method of sleep-campaigning was initially believed to leave candidates more energetic than ever imagined, though it had the opposite effect on Carson 2016.

We at The Annual covered the lifespan of Dr. Ben Carson 2016 from the start when we pegged him as a candidate akin to Dr. Frankenstein. We followed Carson 2016 closely in the early days of the debates, a simpler time when he seemed to be a soft spoken version of Donald Trump 2016, a potential frontrunner capable of making sensible xenophobic statements our families could echo on Facebook. He soon spiraled out of control with his revisionist views on history which some say verged on historic-fan-fiction. Eventually we got a glimpse behind the candidates’ eyes to see the world as he does.

Once a contender, Carson 2016 soon fell behind in the polls. On the night of the first primary, Ted Cruz 2016 began to spread rumors that Carson 2016 had left the race. This led to a tense 30 minute meeting in a closet between the two which ultimately did little to save their friendship. Just a day after Super Tuesday, Dr. Ben Carson 2016 admitted that the rumors were true, he had ended his campaign weeks prior when Cruz 2016 initially spread the word. From that point on he was in the race to prove that he was the bigger man. It was clear the candidate no longer cared about electability when he said he would break from party lines to nominate a new supreme court justice if he only had a year left in office.  This nomination would not be made on the basis of legal skills but the fruit salad of the nominee’s soul, which led him to announce his cabinet consisting of The Wiggles.

With his passing, we at The Annual would like to award Dr. Ben Carson 2016 with our first President-Superlative for History’s Least Enthusiastic Candidate. Never before have we seen a candidate enter and exit the fray with a noncommittal “meh.” We hope this brings about a new age of presidential candidates who just can’t find anything better to do.  At last, Dr. Ben Carson 2016 can get the rest he so eagerly desired. Goodnight, sweet prince.

We The Wiggles Accept Ben Carson’s Cabinet Nomination

We The Wiggles are excited to return to the states as members of Ben Carson’s presidential cabinet. Dr. Carson has looked over the fruit salad of our souls and approved it as “yummy yummy!”

In the interest of total transparency, something we The Wiggles believe is very important, we have been appointed in an obvious effort to court the youth vote. Still, it’s the forward thinking of assembling a cabinet 6 months before the nomination, that is what you can expect from President Carson. As foreigners we will also be shining examples of Carson’s “Guest Workers” program for undocumented immigrants.

Many of you are likely wondering which roles we will be filling, as there is unfortunately no cabinet slot of “Secretaries of Fun!” Anthony, the last remaining original Wiggle will fill the role of Secretary of State, he is the most experienced having served as a rifleman in the Royal Australian Regiment, he also makes the best fruit salad. Simon, who self-identifies as “into fitness and health” will obviously fill the role of Secretary of Health and Human Services. Lachy, who performed the roll of Wags the Dog before becoming a full time Wiggle, will head up the Department of Energy. Lastly, Emma, the first female Wiggle, will serve as Secretary of Agriculture, which is in line with Dr. Carson’s views on women and gardening.

We’ve been asked to reach out to former Wiggles to help fill the remaining cabinet positions (as Ben told us “who knew there were more than four?”) Unfortunately, Jeff has been too tired to answer the phone.

The Wiggles

Ben Carson Comes Out of Hibernation in Time for Super Tuesday

This week saw an unprecedented, energetic Ben Carson kick in the doors to his campaign headquarters, ready to take charge of his presidential campaign just in time for the Super Tuesday primaries. Those close to the candidate have reported that his sleepy demeanor was actually the result of a long-held sleep pattern developed shortly before Dr. Carson separated a pair of conjoined twins.

Carson chronicled the process in his memoir Gifted Hands:

The surgery was to last four hours. Any well-rested surgeon will begin to get the finger shakes after two hours of intensive surgery so I knew I had to develop a way to stay rested as the surgery progressed. I began to practice the motions until I could literally do it in my sleep. As time went on I perfected the method, allowing myself to sleep for day, even weeks at a time, without notice. I would communicate with patients, perform complex surgeries, and be present for important family events while asleep. My daughter’s wedding is an actual dream to me.”

Behind the scenes, Dr. Carson has survived the election with the help of his well-maintained sleep team. For most events, Carson is placed on a pair of roller skates and given a good shove towards a podium. From there he’s on autopilot, able to deliver a speech without the audience noticing a mental disconnect from the world around him.

“It’s an incredible breakthrough for politics!” said Carson’s business manager, Armstrong Williams. “Just imagine the possibilities! We can save tax payer dollars by allowing congressmen to spout off their deeply held beliefs while asleep. They could work for 24 straight hours without a break for food or accommodation. As long as they have the right folks pushing them into place they can avoid an entryway snafu like at the New Hampshire debate. I’ll admit that was rough, but Ben’s teaching me how to use the technique in my own life and I’m already looking forward to waking up to the Carson presidency.”

Though effective for Carson, this new method of sleep campaigning has its detractors. Among them is Carson’s former campaign manager Barry Bennett: “Sure he was in the room, actively participating in conversation, but he was never actually there. You have to be engaged to run a successful campaign and I couldn’t work with a candidate who’s coasting by making statements like ‘the Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they had guns.’ That dream logic doesn’t work in the real world.”

Now wide-awake, Carson has been seen doing cartwheels on the campaign trail. He’s connecting with voters like never before, joking and laughing. He once became so excited at the prospects of his presidential campaign that he was heard yelling from two blocks away. Carson now presents an energy that surpasses that of Donald Trump and has reportedly fractured 87 wrists giving out campaign trail handshakes.

This uptick in energy from the candidate has many supporters at ease, now knowing Carson is actually excited to run for president. With poll numbers through the roof, it looks like he may turn around the race and take home the nomination. This is believed to be good news for the GOP, who is currently at odds with their idealist frontrunner. Studies show Carson will likely grow tired and reenter his sleep cycle in October, just ahead of the general election.

Kevin Cole

The History of ISIS, as told by Dr. Ben Carson

In the course of my life I have received many accolades, often resulting from my work as a neurosurgeon, but not many are aware of the MacArthur “Genius Grant” I received due to my work as a historian. After the attacks in Paris, I set to work cataloguing all knowledge pertaining to the elusive terrorist group known as ISIS, information I will gladly share with the President should he decide to show a serious interest in foreign policy.

ISIS came to prominence in the American Midwest in 1997. It was comprised of Aaron Turner, Jeff Caxide, Chris Mereschuk and Aaron Harris, reportedly forming as a result of dissatisfaction with the member’s former organized groups, which my research leads to me to believe was Islam. ISIS gained notoriety amongst underground factions of punks and those who self-identified as hardcore. The group aimed to fight the power to gain power—though it seems they were not moving quick enough for Mereschuk, who mysteriously left the group in 1998.

A year later, the ISIS name would arise again across the sea. It seems Mereschuk was not ready to give up on ISIS. In 1999, Iraq wasn’t on the radar, making it the perfect place to begin his work in seclusion. A small band of ISIS recruits spent their days as simple grain farmers in the Middle East. For those unfamiliar with the terrain, much of the region is comprised of desert landscapes. In many cases the only crop that can grow is Afghan Heroin. This made a grain a valuable cash crop, one this band of farmers used to steadily gain control over the region.

In a move to be perceived as “metal,” ISIS made beheadings a part of its daily routine. They started with goats, and in an attempt to see what they could get away with, bit a bat’s head off on live television. It was gruesome sight. For the sake of decency I’ll skip what they’ve attempted to dismember in recent years, though I would like to note their inability to match my precision with a surgeon’s scalpel.

As social media came into prominence, ISIS used advanced recruiting tactics to rope in a legion of millennials. From memes to .gifs of kittens exploding, it won the hearts of America’s youngest nihilists. ISIS targeted Americans for their strength and reputation as a nation-builder.

With a legion of tech-savvy teens in tow, ISIS set out on its most ambitious mission: to fabricate the existence of an entire country. Sequestering and repopulating the land once used for grain farming, ISIS converted a section of Northern Iraq into what is currently recognized as modern-day Syria. I say modern-day because we never heard much about Syria prior to 2012. This is because ISIS’ current legion of cyber-terrorists have manufactured a history pre-dating ISIS, and they maintain a vigilant watch of the Syria Wikipedia page to ensure this information doesn’t change.

Syria is effectively the Truman Show of the Middle East. Nothing is real. The man in the moon is the current leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi. ISIS has used this region to falsify an entire refugee crisis in which every “Syrian” attempting to leave is an ISIS sleeper cell.

The group may seem all-powerful, but I have calculated that we could effectively wipe them out by sending in 10,000 troops to infiltrate their faux-country and disconnect their WiFi. This would leave ISIS without the ability to communicate with their refugee-soldiers while we drop the big one. As I like to say, it’s not brain surgery.

Dr. Ben Carson

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I Would have Saved Jesus

Ben CarsonMr. Trump and I don’t agree on every issue, but it has recently come to my attention that we both hold the power to alter the course of history. Donald proposes that as president he would have prevented 9/11 from occurring but looking back at the course of history I know I could do better.

Perhaps one of the most impactful events in our planet’s history was the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I recently spent a good deal of time in silent reflection on this issue and can confidently say that if I had been around in those days things would have gone differently.

Seated in power as Emperor Ben Carson, the Christ Case would not have even made it to court. Instead, I would have stood up to the pharisees early on and said “Hey folks, this guy has some really good ideas, I think we should listen to what he’s saying and maybe let him stick around for a while.” It’s really not that hard to see how things would be different. As the Son of God, Jesus would not have perished on the cross and speaking as a doctor, I’m certain he would not have perished at all. Had I been in power at the time, Christ would have lived on to personally discover the Judeo-Christian nation we live in today.

When my time as emperor was up I would have had the foresight to put in place laws to prevent the actions of the Caligula administration that followed. What we need in the White House is a leader who is willing to look back and see what things might have been done differently in the past to save our present.

To maintain a sense of accuracy, please read in a dreary mumble.

Dr. Ben Carson