Tag Archives: Drugs

I Always Carry A Dime Bag In My Bag

Hey kiddos!

It’s the twentieth day of April, so I hope you all had the chance to wake up and bake! I know I did. I always carry a dime bag in my bag and that’s because just like you, I’m wild and care free. I toke it up on the reg, especially today, the 420. Just sprinkle a dash of that herb on my bong and I’m ready to roll – a big ol’ fat one that is.

I know a lot of the cynics out there may say I’m just “pandering to the millennial crowd” but I’d like to ask them to chill. Bill may not have inhaled but I certainly have. I tell ya, when President Obama, or as I call him the Narc In Chief, wasn’t looking I would hot box in air force one Cheech Chong.

If you want to get high with your Doobie Brothers, remember that Chillary’s got the dope. Even if Senator Sanders talks a big game, he’s only been lit twice, I was lit 420 times today. So when you go out to cast your vote remember you can’t get the THC without HC.

Hillary Clinton

WZBJ’s April Pollen Report

The following is are select excerpts from WZBJ’s morning weather forecast:

April 1

Alright folks, here’s your twenty-four hour pollen report. As you can see, those with tree allergies may want to stay indoors today especially those with poplar and elm allergies. Only moderate pollen counts for weeds, but certainly nothing to worry about.

April 4

In today’s pollen report, those with weed allergies will want to stay indoors as pollen counts are surprisingly high, definitely a break from this week’s trend. You never know where or when a new batch will pop up, play it safe and stay indoors. Tree allergies are generally low.

April 7

Certainly not a day to avoid the outdoors, and with these temperatures how could you not? Following almost a week of high pollen counts, weeds seem to have leveled off overnight with moderate readings across the board.

April 9

Those with elm allergies will want to get out enjoy the fresh air with poplar counts presenting the only real trouble area with moderate to high counts. Weed allergens are certainly heading downward today, potentially reaching lows by the end of the week.

April 11

Poplar and elm allergens peaking at moderate levels todays, as predicted, weed counts are at a low. Those with weed allergies would be wise to get some fresh air today, particularly in the Northwood Park area around 2:30 this afternoon where levels are expected to be at their lowest.

April 12

Continued good news for those with weed allergies as pollen counts remain relatively low, enjoy it while you can as forecasters are expecting levels to pick up over the next twenty-four hours.

April 13

For a third day in a row, weed reports remain unusually low, one would think we were suddenly living in a desert with no form of plant life to be found. That’s right, you couldn’t find weeds in this town if you wanted to, even when searching the normal hiding places there’s not a spec of pollen.

April 14

An incredible turn around today, as those with weed allergies will want to avoid any contact with the outside world. That’s right, pollen reports are at an all time high! Meanwhile, elm and poplar remain at low to moderate readings.

On the morning of April 15th WZBJ’s chief Meteorologist was arrested on drug related charges, the station’s news director had no comment on the issue.

Kevin Cole

Spring Break Frenzy Claims Life of North Pole Reindeer

PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla. –  A recent tragedy struck close to Holiday home Friday night, leaving the entire human race shaken.

Panama City Beach reports that Dasher, the eldest of Santa’s reindeer has died due to a drug overdose. According to recent reports, the other seven have been comatose since hospitalization. “We won’t know the damage of injuries sustained until they wake up. If they wake up.” stated Dr. Joy, head of the medical team at Bay Medical Center.

The group was visiting Panama City Beach from their hometown, the North Pole. “They told me they were planning to stay local for spring break.” explains Durolph*, a coworker shares via phone interview. “… although we have had a stressful few weeks of Q1 inventory. I wonder why they didn’t invite me.”

The preliminary autopsy report on Dasher indicates the presence of “Atnas,” a compound commonly found in emerging street drug Oxyheroin. Also known as “Father Kushmas” and “Snow Blower,” Oxyheroin is a potent mix of marijuana and cocaine that is rapidly gaining popularity among adolescent reindeer aged 16 to 22. Health care professionals are calling it an “epidemic that must be stopped.”

Panama City Beach Police Department have issued a public statement grieving the news and shared their commitment to finding and shutting down all local Oxyheroin outlets. The investigation is open and ongoing.

While Mr. Santa Claus has remained silent on recent events, a spokesperson from the Holiday Elves’ Labor Union issued a statement saying that Mr. Claus and his wife are devastated by the news and are unlikely to accept interviews at this time.

The North Pole has not returned The Annual’s request for comment.

*Name changed per participant request.

Christine McQuaid

The New Poisoned Apple

Drugs are expensive.

I saw a Facebook post (shared by several others) stating that parents need to be extremely cautious about letting their children go trick-or-treating this year, due to the very real possibility of packets of drugs that look like candy. And yes, other people were commenting about the direness of the situation, which they believed to be undeniably true. Unlike most internet users, I took 20 seconds to Google this article and see that it is undeniably false; there is no real threat this year that is greater than any other year of children receiving drugs or any other kind of dubious candy and treats. In fact, almost every story you have ever heard concerning a child receiving a Snickers bar with a razor blade inside, or Ecstasy-laced sweet tarts, or a poisoned box of Milk Duds (although those things taste like poison anyway) has been fabricated and forwarded from grandmother to grandmother until it became actual news.

Drugs are WAY too expensive for playing pranks on neighborhood kids. Can you imagine spending hundreds of dollars for some molly, dropping it into an unsuspecting child’s candy bag with a huge grin on your face, watching as they walk away, never knowing what actually happened to that kid when they finished eating a couple hundred dollars of yours? No one is that malicious. You might do it to an unsuspecting friend, but at least you get to watch them freak out. The type of people who can afford and know where to purchase drugs would not even consider giving their restricted substances away! Nor would these hypothetical substance-purchasers mix up their bags of drugs with bags of anything-that-is-not drugs. No druggie is going to have their drug-bag in their hand, hear the doorbell ring, rush to the candy bowl, drop the drugs in the bowl for easier carrying, open the door, and start dropping bags willy-nilly into these kids’ open hands. Then close the door, put the candy bowl down, realize they have lost their drugs, then not immediately go stop all those kids and get those drugs back.

What about all these other dangerous candy ideas? Think about the work that goes into putting a razor blade in a miniature candy bar.

First, you have to buy the candy. Candy is on sale. Next, buy razor blades. You are going to need to find razor blades that are small enough to be hidden in a fun-size candy bar and won’t clearly be sticking out of the wrapper. Half of you have already given up reading this article, because this evil scheme is too much effort. But for those readers left: we need to find a way to surgically insert the razor blade into the chocolate, without leaving any obvious puncture wounds or bits of blade visible.

“But wait, Thomas! Kids are stupid! They probably wouldn’t even notice if the wrapper is open or if there is a two inch metal object jutting out the end of their sweet, delicious Twix!”

A-ha! But that is where YOU are wrong, reader! I was able to ask a wide selection of children on the street if they wanted my clearly opened Three Musketeers, and all of them refused! (This may not have been the most scientific or legal approach, but there we have it. Also, I couldn’t rule out the possibility that all kids just hate Three Musketeers bars.) Most parents set this as the most important rule: don’t eat things that are already opened. By abiding by this rule, all children will avoid these obvious razor blades, the small saran-wrapped zip locked baggies of coke, and the most dangerous—a POISONED GRANNY SMITH APPLE! 

So, taking into account that the majority of children won’t just eat a razor blade dipped in chocolate, you will have to use the razor blade to cut a slit in the packaging—probably on the edge of the sealed seam—so that you can then cover it back up easily. Next, you will have to push the blade into the candy. Candies with nuts are much firmer, while plain nougat is softer (but it is possible the kids don’t even want your Three Musketeers, and now all that work is for nothing).

Now, you’ve somehow managed to get the blade into the candy and covered it up well enough to pass the mediocre inspection of the child and possibly the child’s parents. The kid opens it (again, missing your entry point), and eats it. If he takes a bite, he will most likely notice something hard and foreign right away; if he has not cut his tongue or lip, the plot is discovered and no harm done, except for the lifelong fear of trick-or-treating you have instilled. If there is a cut, it will probably be the same outcome with a bit of crying and hysterical parents. Either way, not much of a payoff for all this time and effort, unless you enjoy causing small amounts of pain to children. But what I assume this person is really expecting is that the kid just swallows the mini candy bar without chewing, as most children are wont to do. As the candy is slowly digested, the blade emerges from its hidden edible packaging and wreaks all kinds of havoc, probably ending in a trip to the hospital, if not death.

Barriers: Money, time, steady hands, dumb parents, dumb kids, a very sick and twisted hatred of children.

There has got to be an easier way! There are many methods to surprise these kids with an injury that just hasn’t been thought of yet. It doesn’t even have to be physical harm! When kids come up to your door this Halloween, check to see how far away the parents are and ask them what their favorite swear word is! If they don’t know any, teach them your own favorite! Now it’s an educational night for them as well! Or how about some fireworks? Kids love fire and any excuse to use it! Slip some fireworks in their bags with a wink, and make sure they promise not to tell Mom and Dad! And what do kids love? Stickers! They put them on everything. And if you are already willing to pass out drugs, why not get into making drug-laced stickers? I’ve heard they’re all the rage. Heck, if parents find out, they might come over for an actual sale. Now that’s the true Halloween spirit—boosting the economy!

What we really should be teaching these children is that drugs are really expensive, and there are better things to do on Halloween than give them out for free.

T.M. Scholtes

TLH – Interview With a Drug Dealer Podcast

April May Poster

This weekend’s Last Hurrah is now available online, download it and subscribe to the show via iTunes.

Free comedy returns to Frederick Maryland as we delve into the world of 420. National weed day, so to speak. We sat down with returning regulars Caitlyn Joy and James McGarvey (a registered nurse) to explore the effects of drugs on the body and then we spoke to a panelist known only as “Al.” Al, is a drug dealer and has agreed to join the show and talk about his life as long as we didn’t reveal his identity.

Panelists:

Caitlyn Joy
James McGarvey
Jack Evans as “Al”

Episode Writers:
Lisa Burl
Kevin Cole
Isabel Duarte
Caitlyn Joy
Christine McQuaid
Emily Perper
Katie Rattigan

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Join us for the next show Sunday April 19th at 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre.

Learn more at LastHurrahLive.com

The Last Hurrah Returns This Sunday!

This Sunday, The Last Hurrah returns to the Maryland Ensemble Theatre!

There are a lot of things associated with April 20th, primarily drug use. On April 19th, The Last Hurrah will return to the Maryland Ensemble Theatre the delve in the seedy depths of Frederick’s underground (and no, that’s not a play on MET’s location beneath the ground). During a panel discussion that is sure to warrent numerous Pulitzer Prize nominations as well as a write up in High Times magazine, we’ll be interviewing a real drug dealer*.

Join us Sunday April 19th at 7pm for an evening of FREE comedy and thought provoking discussion.

*Due to legal reasons we must disclaim that the “real drug dealer” is actually an actor portraying a drug dealer. No actual drugs will be dealt or consumed.

Episode featuring:
Jack Evans
Caitlyn Joy
James McGarvey

Learn more at LastHurrahLive.com

CELEBRITY JUSTICE: Bigfoot? Arrives in Court

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Bigfoot sat before a judge today to hear the charges facing him in last month’s meth freak out at the San Diego Zoo. Or at least we think it was Bigfoot as the tabloid sensation arrived at court entirely clean-shaven.

After adding indecent exposure to the list of charges, the judge asked Bigfoot how he would plead and the star’s attorney replied “Not guilty by reason of drug addiction” which is a valid plea within the Hollywood penal system.

Witnesses were brought forth to testify including an eight year old girl who claimed that Bigfoot flipped her the bird while asking “Don’t you know who I am?” after stealing her Lion Club Sandwich© at the zoo’s snack bar.

Throughout the proceedings Bigfoot appeared to develop a five o’clock shadow that would encase his body. Though we are still uncertain that it was actually Bigfoot sitting silently at the trial, the development of rapidly growing body hair and size 13 feet seem to be a good indicator that the star actually made an appearance.

As of press time Bigfoot has been sentenced to pay a $10,000 fine in addition to performing 51 hours of community service.

Celebrity Justice was originally published in The Annual #4, purchase your copy today!