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Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker

Question 1:

I’m being set up with a girl way out of my league, and I don’t know what to do. My friend made reservations already, so it’s too late to back out.

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Whew, this is going to take a bit of legwork prior to the engagement, so get ready. First things first: Go to your local Chinatown. Don’t have one? Wrong answer; there is always a Chinatown. Next, find the biggest, most intimidating-looking fellow you can. You will then hand him $500 and a slip of paper (I will address the contents of this note later), and arrange to meet him outside of the reservation location. Scout out a secluded alley about four to five blocks from the meeting place, and try to judge whether or not it will be infested with muggers later. Follow up by plotting a course from the date location to your alley. Bonus points if it involves any fire escapes. Now, meet your hired man outside the establishment. Don’t worry about your date seeing you with him; you’ll be arriving late (as to how late, ask your date-making friend about her punctuality). Give your hired man written instructions as to the route you have selected, and instruct him to chase you and your lady friend— keeping a safe distance the whole time, of course.

Walk into the eatery, and approach your date. Tell her your location is compromised, grab her arm, and run out. Make eye contact with your henchman to signal that the game is on, and run your course. Try to be as reassuring as you can with your date—if you handle this badly, she may be a bit shaken up. When the alley is in sight, make a mad dash. Once inside, catch your breath and tell her that you think you lost him. Feel free to try to make up a fun story as to why a member of the Triad is chasing you; make yourself look like the good guy. About now, your hired man should enter the alley. Now the piece of paper you gave him earlier comes in, upon which you will write a short script akin to the following:

You: Is this about Hong Kong?

Triad: No.

You: Then what is this about?

Triad: Mr. Chen wants to see you, tonight.

You: Look, tonight’s not good for me; I’m a bit tied up.

[Gesture at girl]

Triad: Tomorrow, then. Be ready.

[Triad leave alley]

After this little scene, turn on your charm, and offer to make up your rudely interrupted dinner plans. This is the best time to flesh out your role. I recommend either the misunderstood bounty hunter or the human rights worker who had a run in with the mob, as these are fairly easy tropes to develop. Don’t forget to ask her about herself, but also make sure there is a feeling of impending doom as to your meeting with Mr. Chen. With any luck you should be home free by this point, so get ready for one passionate evening. This won’t last long, of course, as your lies unravel, but let’s face it, dude: She was way out of your league to begin with.

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Question 2:

All my friends are pressuring me to drink, but I don’t want to. What should I do?

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Man up and drink! Drinking is a magical thing. I mean, do you want a list of good reasons to drink? Because that’s what you’re getting:

  • You will be a better public speaker
  • Everything seems better
  • Everyone who drinks gets laid every time
  • You will be more graceful
  • Everything will feel more comfortable
  • Studies show everyone who drinks knows more than anyone who doesn’t
  • It makes you invincible
  • You get laid
  • You immediately know how to sword fight
  • You can recognize conspiracies more readily
  • You have better ideas
  • You gain the ability to tame a unicorn (provided you can find one, which you will be able to; you’ll be drinking)
  • You can learn to levitate
  • You can bust ghosts
  • Your liver will turn into gold
  • You get to have sex
  • Time travel totally makes sense
  • Bad movies become bearable
  • You will become worshiped, as a god, because you will become one

And those are some mondo-righteous reasons why you should drink, you chump.

____________________

Question 3:

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I have suspected this for a while, but I’m just not sure how I can know.

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All right, this is a touchy subject, mainly because you cannot be seen investigating, or the jig is up. So, as to avoid this you are going to need to take the next flight to Tokyo. Once there, find the nearest underground ninja school. Train here for about a year, at which point you will be pretty good at going about unnoticed. When you get back in town, tell your boyfriend you are going to stay with a friend for the night. Leave, and then don your sneaking gear. Once outfitted, go to the roof, and wait for him to come out. Feel free to follow him until you have seen whatever you need to. If he does, however, pick up a lady, follow him and interrupt him mid-coitus. Show off your new skills, and scare the shit out of him. Revenge can be therapeutic: Now you know. Whether he was cheating before or felt the need to cheat during your yearlong ninjafying is neither here nor there, because hey, you’re a ninja now.

____________________

Question 4:

I think this girl has a crush on me. We have always been friends, but she has been acting weird around me. I’d really like to know if she actually does, so what should I do?

_____________________

You are going to need to set up a rock-climbing excursion. This needs to be outdoors, and make sure to hire a climbing instructor. Pay him or her off to set up a little accident. While you and she are climbing, there will be a “mishap” with your support line (make sure there is a safety set up in case this fails and you do fall), so you are hanging from her. This is where the instructor you have paid off will yell, “You’re going to have to pull him up, but I don’t think you have the strength. Do you have significant feelings for him? If so, a burst of adrenaline may allow you to save his life!” With your life on the line she has to be upfront. She will confess her undying love for you, and boom, best first date story ever. Or, she lets you fall and wasn’t really into it.

____________________

Question 5:

No one talks in my Spanish class, and it has started to make the teacher angry. She is really unpleasant in class now, and I want to do something, but I can’t be the only one who tries to talk. What should I do?

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Have you ever seen “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?” In the movie, Matthew Broderick sets up an automated voice recorder in order to appear to be home. You need to create a more complex version of that. First, read ahead to the next few chapters in your Spanish textbook so you can guess what a few questions might be, and write down some questions that may come up in class. After that go out and buy as many tape recorders as you can, and record yourself answering some of the questions you made earlier (it is best to try to use a different sounding voice on each one). Next, sneak into your school and position the different recorders throughout the classroom. Then, rig an elaborate pulley system leading to your desk or something else that will allow for remote control. Spend a few hours memorizing where you have placed each answer. The next day in class, answer your profesora’s questions to your heart’s content and presto! No negative work environment. Of course, you will have to keep this up to ensure her good mood, so this really only works for as long as your sanity lasts.

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Well, I hope this helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions?

E-mail them to

CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com.

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We Made It!

Kevin Cole

“We made it!” shouted Harold Greene on the steps of Town Hall. It was the morning of December 22nd, and Harold’s world had decidedly not ended. “We are the survivors! Let us join forces to rebuild society!” he exclaimed to the hundreds of passerby on their way to purchase the warm caffeinated beverages that would get them through the jobs that brought them in on the weekend.

Harold was a Doomsday Prepper of the highest degree. He wasn’t prepared for a smallpox outbreak or a nuclear war. He carried no belief as to how exactly the world was ending; all he knew was that on December 21st, 2012, some way or another the world would end. And so Harold went about the year prior exhausting his goodwill amongst friends and neighbors by ceaselessly discussing the coming apocalypse and openly critiquing the preparedness of acquaintances with the biting criticism of a reality television judge.

By December 21st Harold had managed to form a total of zero allegiances. Perhaps due to the wishy-washy explanation he gave as to how the world was ending, perhaps due to his ability to seamlessly weave the end of days into any conversation, perhaps he just wasn’t that likable. Still, the events of the 21st (or lack thereof) held no significance for Harold Greene.

By noon on December 20th, Harold was holed up in his cellar with a camping stove and a week’s supply of beans. Harold had painstakingly painted every inch of the cellar with lead paint, knowing that it would withstand nuclear fallout. He ate through a specially designed gas mask that would allow him to breath clean air while eating and filter out any chips of lead that made their way into the beans. He would stay quadruple-locked in the cellar until the morning of December 22nd, at which point he would chip away the paint covering the one window in the cellar and judging by the health of the grass, the poison-detecting parakeet, and the color of the sky outside he would be able to venture out of his Doomsday Hole.

Harold spent the entirety of Doomsday fantasizing about what the next day would be like. One peak out the window would decide everything, but it wasn’t the way the world might end that he fantasized about. The thought of Dec. 22nd brought the thought of a fresh start. A new day, with new people, like-minded folk who planned for the end as well as Harold. For he had spent the entirety of Autumn in social isolation, not by choice. The way he saw it, December 22nd brought two possibilities. In one line of thought, he would be greeted by new friends, people who were secretly planning to survive the end of the world would come out of the woodwork and the would become fast friends by a similar fascination with total obliteration. On the other, Harold would emerge to those ravaged by hellfire, pole switches, and the walking dead to instant recognition as a leader, a king, perhaps a god among men, who foresaw the end and knew how to sneak by it, he and he alone would lead the poor and starving into a new era.

Harold spent 36 straight hours indulging these fantasies, the women he was sure to meet, the subjects he was sure to have. Harold was in heaven, as the world around him was supposedly destroyed.

At last the time had come to return to civilization. Hastily, Harold prepared a sign that declared the phrase he would spend the day shouting. Perhaps the few survivors had gone deaf from hay fever or blind from smallpox. Adding a sign would leave both bases covered.

Harold Greene was unaware that the world had not ended the day before, yet it did not phase him to see the familiar faces out and about. Perhaps the world had split in half, and by some miracle the atmosphere had remained intact. Maybe the nuclear storm had yet to hit Pine Grove, Minnesota. Harold knew that there was no way these survivors had planned to survive, many of whom had cast him into seclusion, calling him “a nut” and “a goddamn moron.”

“We are the chosen people!” briefly attracted a family of Lutherans who believed Harold was a street-side preacher, until he began to make references to Quetzalcoatl. At this point the family, not well versed in Mayan prophesies, labeled Harold Greene a devil worshipper and left him to be consumed by hellfire in the way Harold Greene assumed half the country had been the day before.

Harold shouted until he lost his voice, an unfortunate side effect of post-apocalyptic life that he had not foreseen. Harold waved his sign with extra enthusiasm, but without his voice he was unable to provide context to “We Made It!”

Panic began to set in. Harold Greene had a message, and it was lost due to poor context. He had to be heard. He had to let survivors know they were not alone. He had to let the weak know there was a source of strength. How? HOW? DEAR GOD, HOW!? Harold knew this was the new world; he could try to develop a new means of communication, perhaps one that relied solely on hands. But there was no time for that. The world was in a state of chaos and Harold Greene was a solitary voice of reason. It was in this moment of panic that Harold remembered the old saying, “When Maya, do as the Mayans.” This saying was developed by people who used to work with him at Bank of America, as a means of saying the wish he’d mysteriously disappear, but this line of thought never got through to Harold. To Harold this meant it was time to let a bit of chaos take hold.

Harold looked to his left and saw a steel trashcan resting by a park bench. Using all his strength he pulled it from the ground and crossed the street to the local pharmacy. The automatic doors opened just as Harold went to toss the trashcan through the window. What luck! he thought as he was able to begin looting, free of the guilt associated with property damage. He grabbed a package of throat lozenges and walked out. Instantly pulled aside by a security guard, Harold was informed that the natural order still stood and that he now had a court date for January 27th, 2013.

Harold had a week’s worth of beans saved for the end of the world. It was unfortunate that he had not waited, his perfect legal record besmirched just before the sun exploded on Christmas Eve.