Tag Archives: Fake News

North Carolina Sues EPA As Atlantic Abandons State over HB2

(RALEIGH, NC) – Last night, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory announced plans to sue the Environmental Protection Agency after the Atlantic Ocean left the state over of the HB2 bathroom bill. Residents aren’t sure how it happened, but when they awoke on Wednesday morning there were no beaches to be found, just miles of desert stretching out into international waters.

“I have never believed in the devil-science being perpetuated by the EPA, but it’s clear that they’re behind this… somehow.” said an uncertain Gov. McCrory to reporters. “Our state exists as a  safe-haven for paranoid bathroom users and a vast tourist trap for spring breakers and families on summer vacation. Without our precious water they’ll be forced to go the inferior South Carolina or worse… Florida.” He shuddered, disgusted at the thought.

The surprise move by the body of water may be enough to push the state into full financial collapse as many businesses and pop-stars have refused to work in North Carolina. Members of the Outer Banks tourist department have been scrambling to rebrand, though “See the great Atlantic Sands” admittedly doesn’t have the pull of an actual beach according to analyst Geoffry Tapkin.

“Visitation to OBX and surrounding beaches account for nearly 73% of our state’s income. Without the Atlantic we could stand to lose much more than a few Bruce Springsteen concerts.” Tapkin said as his team scrambled to find a positive spin on the issue.

Meanwhile, scientists with the EPA have been quick deny their involvement in the matter. “We all know the Russians have perfected weather machines, but to insist that we could get an ocean to break away from a state is absurd.” proclaimed climate change spokesperson Enesta Jones. “Our scientists have warned of waters coming in, but extending out to international waters is something we never predicted. There’s no science to back it up. If there’s a god, and as I scientist I pray there isn’t, it seems he may have abandoned the state as well.”

As of presstime, God could not be reached for comment.

Kevin Cole

High-class Professions Being Tarnished by Impossible Porn Expectations

(Everywhere) – Professionals across the globe are outraged; their self-worth is being defiled. That defiler? Over-the-top pornography. These erotic situations are leading to higher customer expectations of what to expect from visits.

Pornography has attempted to take hold in every facet of our lives, making parodies of beloved classics such as Batman, Harry Potter, and even Scooby-Doo. But pornography is really taking a toll out of everyday jobs, by making porn situations occur in real-life locations. These range from the work place, to high school, to getting arrested for a DUI. And it’s time for the workers to take a stand.

Margaret Koontz, a doctor in Seattle, Washington, had this to say:

“I am an attractive woman, I can’t help that. But it isn’t fair that every male patient I see has to look me up and down with his eyes, then tell me he has an injury below his waist I need to examine. They don’t understand that every female doctor is NOT just waiting to strip and bang every male patient that walks in the door! It isn’t realistic! I mean, I can really only do it once or twice a day, and then I’m completely exhausted! My patients are complaining, but it’s their own fault they didn’t schedule anything earlier in the day! I’m not going to risk my career over letting them live out these fantasies; I have serious work to do!”

Ken O’Conner, a masseuse in Switzerland, also felt the need to chime in:

“The women, they are here for a relaxing week, weekend, maybe even a month. They come alone, they come with friends, but they all want the same thing – a happy ending. I did not become a masseuse just to pleasure every woman that comes in to my spa! I am here to relieve tension, put the body back in place, help people relax and forget about their troubles, but instead I’m forced to fulfill the dreams of beautiful woman after beautiful woman, and I can no longer focus on the art of massage! Some of these women leave my parlor with more kinks and aches than when they came in due to how passionate my love-making is – they will ruin me!”

Even more basic professions were affected. Chris Fennell, a local Papa John’s delivery man, said:

“It’s just not cool to have a ‘girl’s night’ for 8 smoking hot cougars, and then decide to call Papa John’s for the ‘extra-large sausage pizza’ and expect anything but a delicious Italian cheese pie. I opened the door, and all eight were standing there, and they were quite disappointed to discover I was holding the pizza in my hands. This isn’t the ‘Dick In A Box’ video ladies! I mean, do they understand how hard it would be to hold a real extra-large pizza and box with just my penis? I mean, I do Kegel stretches, but you would need a seriously ripped cock to pull off that kind of acrobatics. I wasn’t even upset that they invited me in to be their personal dessert, but they had the audacity to assume I could bench press an 18 inch sausage with my 8 inch one that really made me angry.”

Pornography labels across the country have also chimed in to discuss:

“It’s fantasy, it’s parody! Our customers know it isn’t real,” writes Jill Filton, owner of So Much Spunk Productions, INC.

“We look at old police reports, medical records, and retirement homes to get the inspiration for our movies. These are all based in real life, but nothing like this could every REALLY happen, unless you are the most gorgeous man or woman in the world. And for those people, it does happen. Every. Single. Day. Hell, we even make videos about the owner of porn production companies, and I can use my real life experience to tell them what they are doing right and wrong. But it is because I’m stunningly attractive. We even have disclaimers at the beginning and end of every video stating that if the person viewing it is unattractive, they should not expect anything that follows to happen to them in their everyday lives. We’ve been sued before, but we show the judge the disclaimer, have them look at the client, and every case has been dismissed.”

When asked for comment, all the consumers of the videos said they were currently busy going over the videotapes in question, and would get back to us as soon as possible.

T.M. Scholtes

Frederick Man Saved from Death by Magical Fruit

Disaster was averted this afternoon by a quick thinking teen out running with his father.

Joey Lollar, 14, and his father, Alex Lollar, 43, were out jogging through the neighborhood at 5am.

“I’ve always been a runner,” explains Alex, sitting on the back of an ambulance. “It just energizes me for the rest of the day. Every morning at 4:30, my alarm goes off, and I get out there. I smell the fresh air and watch the sunrise. I used to jog with my father every morning as a kid.”

“I like it, too,” replies Joey, not making eye contact with his dad. “It’s a good bonding experience, you know? Plus, he said if I get up every day each week, he’ll buy me McDonald’s on Friday when we finish. Oh, and if I make the track team, I can have a trampoline!”

But this fateful morning, there would be no McDonalds, and certainly no trampoline.

“We were about four miles in, coming up this long, steep hill, right before Quinn Road,” explains Alex, pointing in the air to try and demonstrate the location he was talking about but not succeeding.

“Now, I like to switch up my running routes, but I’d been this way hundreds, if not thousands, of times, and never had a problem. Nothing felt different, I was feeling strong, and I was happy to know my son was out with me, even if he couldn’t really keep up and I was off my pace.”

Suddenly, Alex said he ran into, what can only be described as, a figuratively literal brick wall.

“It was like Thor punched me in the chest,” said Alex.

“Dad, Hulk can punch so much harder than Thor.”

“Shut the fuck up when I’m talking to the reporter. Anyway, all of sudden I needed to stop, it was getting difficult to breathe. It felt like something was squeezing my chest. Then, my left arm started to tingle. I was scared.”

Luckily, little Joey wasn’t far behind.

“For most of the run, I had my head down, trying to stay out of the wind,” Joey said, still sweating profusely, hours after having stopped running.

“I looked up, and it was like my dad ran into a brick wall, literally. Wait, I think I mean figuratively. Anyway, I tried to sprint the rest of the distance between us.”

“And you still took forty-three seconds,” added Alex.

“By the time I got to him, he was laying down on the sidewalk, gasping for air. The veins on his neck and forehead were bulging out. I asked him what was wrong.”

Alex Lollar was having a heart attack.

“I knew immediately what was going on, but I have never been in this sort of situation before,” said Alex, flexing his biceps. “I’ve been in shape all my life, and we eat healthy, so why would I be having a heart attack at 43? I have heard that taking aspirin as soon as the symptoms start can help, but of course I didn’t think to have any when we left the house.”

Joey Lollar acted quickly, and used his elementary-rhyme knowledge to find a solution.

“It’s a common fact that everyone should know – beans are good for the heart. I only remembered because I would sing the nursery rhyme all the time when I was younger. ‘Beans, beans, they’re good for the heart/ The more you eat, the more you fart/ The more you fart, the better you’ll feel/ so eat baked beans for every meal.’ I knew how to save my father.”

Joey ran – well, more likely, jogged slowly – back to his house, and headed to the kitchen pantry. He was stopped by his mother, Paula Lollar, [age undisclosed].

“My son burst through the door, and my first thought was ‘there is no way he beat my husband back to the house’ so I knew something was very, very wrong. He asked me for baked beans, so I didn’t even think; I just grabbed one of the many cans of Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans we keep on hand, and got into the car with my son.”

Joey and Paula rushed to Alex’s side, but the sight was not comforting.

“He could barely get any air in his lungs,” said Paula. “Joey had never run so hard in his life. And Alex was looking even worse!”

“I just started pouring in the beans,” said Alex, his clothing soaked completely through. “I knew it was the only thing that could save him.”

The moment those beans touched his lips, Alex began to feel revitalized.

“I was still mid-heart attack, but I wanted to run a full marathon! The beans really took over, and I was certain I’d be ok.”

After drinking the entire can, Alex sat up, tousled Joey’s hair, and told him the last one home would be a rotten egg. He then took off running.

“I would’ve followed him, I really would’ve!” Cried Joey, clearly about to recite a planned excuse. “But you know the other half of the rhyme: The more you eat, the more you fart. I did not want to be anywhere behind him.”

“Yeah, the farts actually reduced my overall split rate!” said Alex, with a twinkle in his eye. “I might have to incorporate it into my morning ritual!”

At publishing, Alex had made a full recovery, and Joey has given up running forever.

T.M. Scholtes