- Under the bed
- Under the covers
- In the basement
- Your boss’s skirt
- Bagpipe bag
- In a bush
- In a purse
- Chewing/ripping all the stuffing out of the couch cushion and wearing it like an animal skin
- Turning fear into aggression as he chases the neighborhood kids.
- His personal flashbacks of Vietnam
- FBI witness protection program
- Bomb shelter you didn’t know he made
- In your cornhole (the game, of course)
The Tiger Blood Bomber
An authentic Tiger Blood Bomber can be hard to find but really packs a punch. Only produced in 2010 during pop culture’s “Charlie Sheen Breakdown” these rare, cocaine infused fireworks are capable of destroying entire TV shows. Launch one of these within an earshot of a Bachelorette taping and watch the whole thing collapse from within.
North Korean Sparklers
Here’s a firework with the potential to do some serious damage. These 1/5 scale replicas of an atomic bomb are a pretty common find at your average roadside fireworks stand and they promise an impressive display of carnage. Unfortunately, in field tests they would rarely launch higher than ten feet before exploding, so be prepared for an upclose experience!
Small, silent and wirelessly controlled, what more could you ask for? The Drone Strike is world’s quietest firework, capable of reaching heights averaging 78 feet in less than 5 seconds, no one will even know you set off this firework until the earshattering BOOM! For added effect, launch a few outside of Independence Day.
This is a bit of a black-market buy but a timeless classic that’s sure to make you the hit of the party! You know that angsty teen who always lurks around in the woods near your house with a copy of The Anarchist’s Cookbook? Toss him a few bucks and we guarantee he’ll provide one of these bad boys, if he’s a real anarchist he’ll do it for free!
Living in a quiet neighborhood this Fourth of July? Really shake things up with the Riot Starter! This device is a one firework finale. Capable to sustaining a series of blasts for 5 straight minutes, it’s sure to get the neighbors out of their homes just to see what the hell is going on. Once they see you with a line of riot starters, punches will be thrown and before you know it the whole neighborhood will go up in flames, all so you could have a little fun.
Hurricane season has begun and unfortunately, the first hurricane of the year has chosen America’s birthday to strike the coast. This has left many on the East Coast wondering what to do in the event that Arthur impedes on their holiday plans. It would be simply unamerican to reschedule, so here’s a convenient guide to enjoying the fourth amidst inclement weather: